These are the five poems that stood out to me the most from what I've learned. Here is my list in video form.
"Do not go gentle" - by Dylan Thomas, read by Michael Sheen
"Homage to the Empress of Blues" - by Robert Hayden
"Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore" - by William Shakespeare
"The Victims" - written by Sharon Olds
"Barbie Doll" - written by Marge Piercy
How I chose these five poems is that I see these poems as narrations for phases of my life. "Do not go gentle" reminds me of the fact that I was depressed for a bit in my late teens, and it took a lot to fight my way out of it. The way that Dylan Thomas wrote the poem in such a resigned but angry way talks about not giving up just yet, that really spoke to me. Homage to the Empress of Blues reminds me of the way that music was helpful in a lot of ways to me as I got through different difficulties of my life. Barbie Doll speaks to me in a way that helps me understand that my struggle with my body image is seen, and although the poem is short and to the point and ends in tragedy, it shows me that I can write a different ending to my version. The poem "The Victims" makes me think about when my parents divorced, and how much better our lives got after my mom and dad's marriage ended. As sad as it was, there are less consequences for my siblings and I then there are for my dad.
What I understand from what I've learned about poetry is that fiction can be bent, twisted and shaped into whatever a person wants essentially. Through the many types of poetry, a story can be told, or a random sentence, a cry for help, a grief-filled plea, etc. But they all have structure in some way. Although building a foundation requires a blueprint, all buildings are different in their design, which is how I think poetry works as well.
Hi all. So it’s…..been a while. I’m at another school in Kansas, I’ve been participating in their performing arts program, been working on keeping grades up, and just living life as well as a person can. And there have been a lot of changes and transitions, and things I’ve been discovering about myself. So, a while ago, I changed my pronouns to “she/they”, and was fine with that for a while. Then I had a bit of some more changes where it didn’t feel like those were the right pronouns, and I started experimenting with chest binding (which went kinda sorta okay even though I don’t have actual binders to use), and played around with calling myself “Cameron”. But then after doing that, writing my actual name out for some reason felt better, and I think I accepted something about myself, I just didn’t know what yet. Then recently, I started watching The Last of Us, and one of the actors, Bella Ramsey (who plays Ellie), is genderqueer. Mostly I was kinda like “oh, cool”, but then the more articles I was seeing about them, something kinda clicked, and this past Thursday, I realized what it was. All my life, besides feeling like a girl and/or feminine, I’ve always felt a “something-other-ness”.
And now I realize that that “something-other-ness” was that I’m actually genderqueer. And I have decided to change my name a bit from “Mariah” to “Mari”, because that also feels right. I think I was also always meant to have multiple pronouns, because I was always more than I actually thought, I just didn’t realize it till now. From what I can understand, what being genderqueer means (according to google) is “a person whose gender identity does not correspond to conventional binary gender distinctions”. And honestly, I couldn’t find a more perfect definition for the kind of person I am and always have been.
I’m still figuring out what being genderqueer means for me, since it can be interpreted different ways by different people, but I want to make my identity my own, so it’ll be a journey for sure, but I will enjoy every step along the way. So, allow me to introduce myself:
Hi! I’m Mari, and my pronouns are whichever ones you want to use. The ones I like to go by personally are she/he/they, but I’m fine with whatever you’re comfortable with. Thank you for being here.
Sorry I haven’t written in a while, I will work on posting more often when I can.
I know what you're thinking, I do usually try to keep my blogs separate. But I've been talking about different parallels between different religious institutions and the mixing of politics with a friend recently and I've started seeing similarities in some things. Like the relevance of the Dune book series that continues still today, there are very relevant points to be considered from standard pop culture, such as Dave Filoni's Star Wars: The Clone Wars. The premise of it entails different situations where the jedi and their clone armies go fight baddies, while learning things along the way (sometimes). There were several things I found interesting as I watched through all seven seasons of the show.
In pop culture such as Star Wars, the Jedi are known to be peacekeepers, fighting for what's right, defending the weak and helpless, and striving for what's true, while depending on the light side of the Force to guide them through these challenges and their every day lives. In this show however, they end up making some questionable decisions, that end up contradicting what they initially stand for. In the end, the jedi end up being destroyed, Anakin becomes Darth Vader, and the Empire is set to subjugate every known galaxy for a number of years. The clones (the ones who survive the 3-year long war), are left to pick up the pieces, and even wonder who they are as people when they're not needed to help fight as soldiers. The question asked by the bad guys in every other episode of the show is this heavy-hitter: "the jedi are peacekeeping, noble warriors, so what are they doing getting involved in politics and fighting a war?" I know that the standard christian don't have force sensitive capabilities, but they have a similar code to the jedi: love God, love people, fight for what's right, and be willing to serve. There have been many wars that have been fought in history, but the problem with christianity nowadays I feel, is that christians have allowed themselves to become involved in politics to where it's become part of who they are as people, much like the politics of the clone wars became part of who the jedi were. Frank Herbert (author of the Dune series) puts it like this: "You cannot avoid the interplay of politics within an orthodox religion. The power struggle permeates the training, education and discipline of the orthodox community. Because of this pressure, the leaders of such a community must face that ultimate internal question: to succumb to complete opportunism as the price of maintaining their rule, or risk sacrificing themselves for the sake of the orthodox ethic".
Here's where the Jedi went wrong: ultimately, they gave up who they were, gave up what kept them unique from everyone else as an order, to fight a war that ultimately yielded no positive results in the end. The planets they visited and fought on questioned the ethics of the jedi who were participating in the war, and wondered what went wrong that changed their stance on peace and the task of keeping it. Nowadays, I wonder about the same thing about the evangelical church. Remember that when Jesus came to earth, people were expecting a warrior to bring about change that meant forcing the Romans out and giving Israel back to it's people, and they got someone completely different, who taught that it was better to be peacemakers, who loved all, fought for what was right, and to stand up for the weak and broken when necessary. Such a radical belief system was not widely accepted, but some were able to take it in and live it out. In present day however, it's a far different picture. Christians have become so embroiled in politics that it's become a part of them, and they're willing to do whatever it takes to make things happen. I'm a part of the generation that has spent childhood in church, but currently I am in the process of deconstructing my faith, and figuring out where I fit in all of it. The clones in the show have a similar struggle. All are bred to fight, all follow the idea that they're fighting for a good cause that'll have a great victory in the end. Some follow orders, and feel comfortable doing it. Others follow orders, and question them always. Some even wonder who they'll be after the war is over, when they've just been soldiers, and it's the only life they've ever known. In one instance, even a padawan learner started questioning the ethics of the jedi, and eventually left to figure things out on her own.
The problem we face today is that christians have forgotten how it all started: with a simple human man who was also divine, who came to a world full of hurt and broken-hearted people, and showed them that there was light still, and there was hope to have yet. That there was actually "Good News", and it was to be shared with everyone. Now, christians are biased, sometimes even prejudiced, and blinded to the cause of those who are being targeted because of their race, gender/sexuality orientation/etc., when we're supposed to love people for who they are. Jesus hung out with tax collectors, prostitutes, you name it. The Jedi were striving for perfection while weaving politics into their code, which made them and their practice a heavy weight on the scales of the force, when it was supposed to be balanced, believing they could keep the ideals and integrity they had before the war started, when really they were ruining their own reputation as their participation in the war continued to be a constant. Christianity has forgotten their origin point, and what their "code" is, preferring to weave politics into their beliefs, to the point where it's become a religion of rigidity, one that offers no solace, sanctuary, or support to those who need it the most, and yet, they think that they're the same as they always have been, and don't see the drastic changes that have completely gotten rid of the original ideals and beliefs that were a part of the original christian "code", as it were.
As time has gone on, I have seen more and more people turn away from the faith, because it's not what they thought it was. Different prejudices have made people skeptical, wondering if christians are capable of the love and acceptance that's spoken of in the bible. I see them wondering why if they're supposed to be preaching God's love and they're supposed to be "peacekeepers" in a way, why are they getting so involved in politics that it's twisting the morals into what's they're not supposed to be? Why is christianity continuing to get more and more nationalistic instead of being separate from it? Jesus said to be in the world but not of it, and being in the world to christians apparently means mixing politics with dogma. The two are actually more like oil and water; they always end up separate with one always on top, and even when stirred together, they are always separate in the end, never alike in any way. Here's another quote from Frank Herbert I'll leave you with: "when religion and politics travel in the same cart, the riders believe nothing can stand in their way. Their movements become headlong--faster and faster and faster. They put aside all thoughts of obstacles and forget the precipice does not show itself to the man in a blind rush until it's too late." The jedi thought they could put the politics and the war in the same "cart" as their beliefs, morals, and their code. What was waiting for them at the precipice was order 66 and the looming threat of the empire that Palpatine had been working towards for a long time. I'm not saying the same fate is at the edge of the precipice for christians who combine religion and politics, but I am saying that at some point there will be consequences, and I shudder to think at what those might be. It's not too late to slow down and reevaluate; it never has been too late.
Sorry I haven't been able to update you for the past two months. I relocated to texas for a couple years to complete an associates in Early Childhood Education online, as well as continue to learn ASL (American Sign Language), and on top of that I'm a full-time nanny to a couple and their first child (so exciting!). This is also another update post about me. I need to tell you something. I know that blogs are usually for people telling others about things that happen, but I just need you to listen for a sec. The butterflies are swirling in my stomach as I write this, but I'm going to press on. I have changed my pronouns, and they are "she/they". I don't find myself non-binary because I identify as a girl and/or woman. However, my life has been one where self-development hasn't had much time to begin let alone happen, so to try to sort things out, I have decided to go with "she/they" for now because this offers me space to breathe, figure out who I am, and begin building. Life is about learning about who you are, and this is the best way I know how for myself so that things can start to make sense a little more. I also feel that there's just so much me, and so much potential with that, that it can't exactly be fit into one word.
So I'm saying that I identify as a cis female. In terms of where sexuality is concerned, that makes me cishet (cisgender, heterosexual). How do I feel about this announcement and self-realization? Nervous, but there's a layer of calm and peace about it if you can believe it. Talking about it in a public platform like this is nerve-wracking, but I want to be honest with myself as well as with you guys, and this is also where I start accepting who I am and that development and growth will start and that it will be good, even in the hard bits. Now I'm not going to be tetchy with the "they" thing; you can keep calling me "she" or "her". The word "they" is mostly for me because that word means there's a building space, and there's room for growth and exploration and development. The funny thing is, I've been thinking about this quite a bit, especially today. I know that I'm a person, with a name, with family and friends, and a history, but for me, I feel in terms of personal growth, things still feel quite blank, like I'm still figuring out who I am, like a blog post that's still under writing construction, to put it mildly. Let's put it like this: I don't prefer to think of myself as a filing cabinet with sharp corners and drawers where things are separated and categorized; I'd rather like to think of myself as more of a rolodex: things are together and not separate, but they're all together and still categorized, and rather in a circle instead of that of a rectangular file cabinet. Feel free to talk to me about what I'm saying in this post, I'm still figuring all this out as I just decided this today. Nothing about me will change, but I think today marks the start of something that I think will end up being really, really good.
I know. Haven't posted much. There's been.....a LOT that's happened that's kept me busy and preoccupied (sometimes not in the best ways, but more on that later). When it comes to the breakup, I'm doing better. Still have bad days, but they're usually not about that anymore which I think is a good sign. Been doing family counseling and it's been working wonders for the possibility of things being able to be stitched back together. But man, oh man. It's been a year. For everyone, I think (which is a pretty obvious statement to make but anyway). I'm rambling a bit, but I'm hoping that anyone who reads this blog is happy to read *almost* anything I churn out, even if it's just rambling. When it comes to music, it's my go-to for basically any and every situation: roadtrips, short car trips, while I'm taking a shower, while doing chores; just anytime and anywhere I usually have music with me.
Sometimes music is also the only way I can cope or hang on during crazy situations where I feel like I'm hanging onto the thin thread hanging between breaking completely and not breaking completely, and sometimes there are cracks that show up. I've been in the process of accepting some, but also working on finding ways to heal others. My music taste is definitely everywhere; sometimes I'm in the mood for pop, or alternative rock, chill tunes, or sometimes sad stuff. I was in the Sad Stuff Phase for a bit, but I'm coming out of it slowly but surely. One song that's been resonating with me lately is "Hyperballad", a song by an artist by the name of Bjork. Well I'm listening to a cover of her song, mostly because acoustic anything has just been a thing for me since last year. What the song talks about is doing something dangerous like throwing things off a cliff when things feel "too safe" and doing something dangerous just feels good to do for some reason.
Admittedly, the song is a *bit* morbid, but I'm just that kind of person who kinda likes that sometimes. People have hard times and are able to put it into song or through a poem, which then voices what the listener or reader is unable to say themselves. I honestly like this song because although it may be just a bit dark in terms of theme, I find that analogy of throwing stuff off a cliff to decompress and also detox pretty apropos. I've had a lot to deal with last year, and there has been stuff to deal with this year; particularly guilt connected to my childhood and how I acted, emotions towards my dad, dysfunctional family situations, that kind of thing. Sometimes people need to do something physical in order to deal with a situation, but it's also possible for people to picture finding solutions to problems or navigating difficult emotional processes in a different way so that they can make it easier for themselves to understand. When it comes to navigating being diagnosed with different things (like depression and PTSD), I've used easy things so that I can understand them better and then figure out how to work on overcoming both, which I haven't done all the way yet, that's still a work in progress. I pictured depression as losing what made me balanced, and what I lost was put in the center of a maze, and I had to work to get that back, but sometimes depression left me split into different parts of who I was: irritability, normal, and over-the-top happiness (on days that I thought were good but actually were not).
PTSD I pictured as having memories that were blocked, but the ones that weren't were accepted as part of me, and I've come to accept my history is mine and that there's more of me to unlock and accept. It's also breaking out of the construct of pain, fear, hurt and lies that may have been told to me or that I've told myself in order to keep going and survive the day. In terms of the song "Hyperballad", the picture of finding stuff to throw off a cliff is actually not a bad idea to adopt (at least in terms of making things easier to understand). Letting go of toxic situations, things that were done to you mentally, emotionally or even physically is hard. The idea of even letting go of it is preposterous as sometimes it's such a deep wound there are days where you wonder if you're actually going to heal or if you'll just be broken and suffering in silence for the rest of your life.
Going on a hike is hard, especially if it's up a mountain. But if there's a destination or something to do once you get to the top, you have a goal. Which makes coming down off that mountain easier to bear, because there's always the rest of the day to look forward to, and everything that you were worried about or dealing with before is either in the back of your mind, not being given any attention, or even gone entirely. I know it's not the most elegant concept, but listening to the song on repeat kinda gives me a weird sense of hope. Throwing stuff off a cliff and watching it break on the rocks isn't the most elegant of pictures. If we're being honest, broken stuff is always something we find chaotic, painful, and ugly even. But I don't find it difficult to picture myself throwing stuff off a mountain cliff. It's physical objects, yeah. But if they represent something (guilt, self-blame/hatred, depression, anger, etc.), the idea of that stuff being breakable makes me feel stronger in a way. It means there's hope that one day the last thing will be thrown off that mountain cliff, pieces will fly, but I'll be free and ready to meet the rest of the day and all the hope and potential that's in it. The trip down from the mountain cliff means the possibility of something new, and starting the day without anything dark that used to hold you back. That's just the way I see it, anyway. The work is definitely not pretty, it does cause pain and tears at times, but if it means that being broken now means being completely fixed later, then I say that the journey is completely worth it in the end.
I know that this was a LOT of rambling, but I decided to include the song cover in my post. I will listen to the actual song eventually but for some reason this guy's voice combined with an acoustic guitar is REALLY nice to listen to for some reason (especially in stressful situations).
Thanks for reading, and happy tuesday! I'll make sure to post more stuff on this blog this year as much as I can!
It's been a hard year for everyone, what with theaters, restaurants, and things we were used to being a part of shut down, causing us all to think, reflect, and just learn to live through every day, no matter how rough every second happened to be. It's been especially hard I think for those who may have depression/anxiety/PTSD/working through any and all kind of trauma, as we just wanted to keep what we were used to doing as a routine, but sadly life cannot always be this way. To make matters worse, anxiety and stress increases once every four years, when the presidential election hits. Granted, tensions were already high, after protests and civil unrest became more prevalent after the police-involved murders of Ahmaud Arbery, George Floyd, and Breonna Taylor, to name a few. It's been most difficult for me considering I lived in Minneapolis (where George Floyd's murder happened) for two years, so any and all friends that lived in Minneapolis where protests were the hottest stressed me out for several months as I was very worried for their safety. With the election at a close tie between candidates Joe Biden and Donald Trump, the pressure to "make your voice heard" by voting has been as intense as it always gets, flooding social media, filling the feeds of anyone who may have an instagram account, or facebook page, whether it be generated by the social media platform itself, or ads, or the implorings of famous celebrities. For someone who's trying to learn how to keep my brain in one place, it's exhausting trying to look at what I came on social media for without having all the voting ads being pushed in my face when I didn't ask for it. It's not that any of us seek approval because of who we voted for; for I know that many people are just fine with who they support when it comes to political leaders, opposing criticism be damned. But there are some of us who are just looking for equal ground when it comes to the subject of politics. Granted, it's a slippery slope as it can devolve into a heated debate rather quickly.
As many things that we have depended on for years (movies, performing arts, etc.,) have ground to a halt, things like the pandemic and the resulting quarantine we all were under (and probably still under for some places overseas), relationships between family and loved ones has become a rather more important priority for those who have had to get used to different this year. As the political race for who the next president will be picked up speed and then started up over the past couple of months, there's been division once again between friends and colleagues, family and friends. I can't speak for everyone who's been struggling with any sort of mental illness this year, but sometimes, division is something that can cause trauma, especially if it happens right away, or it's something that's been happening for a long time (i.e., biological children being ignored by parents, or parents fighting/having many discussions, which usually ends up in divorce). After going through something like that and trying to find equal ground again, all that some of us want is a semblance of normalcy in the relationships we cultivate in the present, where we try to move on and discover for ourselves what a healthy relationship is like, whether it be with a parent, sibling, a romantic relationship, you name it. Further division for those of us who want normalcy for a few seconds isn't helping our mental situation; it only makes the labyrinth of our lives more difficult to navigate as obstacles that weren't there before start to show up, possibly caused by triggers of certain traumas from years or months ago.
I'll put it bluntly: 2020 has not been a year where awareness and sensitivity of others has not flourished. Sometimes tensions rise after months in lockdown, stuck in one place, when all the human race has been used to for millennia has always been going somewhere else and not staying in one place for long. Being stuck in one place for two and a half months makes things harder for people struggling with mental illness to process, especially if they want to make themselves understood, and if that happens, it makes it harder to ask for help. It's tragic that after people went into quarantine when covid began in march, depression rates began to rise, as isolation, when we wanted company and people around us, was given as a mandate for everyone to be under. Some of us have managed to find ways to process (journal writing, therapy/counseling, listening to music, just going outside, mindfulness walks, etc.). Sometimes we may have many ways to process at our fingertips, but sometimes it may not be exactly what we need because a certain resource may be limited or shut down because of current circumstances.
When voting, there isn't hope for approval just because of who you pick. It's the disapproval/disagreements/heated discussions that spring because of who you voted for that's especially hard on someone who may be depressed, working through a trauma, or who has PTSD. Relationships that they could count on before get shaken up with reactionary words like "disappointed/shocked" and even "why would you vote for them?" which is unhelpful for someone who's just trying to make their own decisions, and when coming up against judgement on the decisions that they make, it's confusing and frustrating, and it makes them wonder if they can do anything right, and makes them question if they're allowed to have their own decision that won't spark disappointment or other reactions like shock at who a person voted for. Take time to listen now, questions about "why" come later. Listening to each other so that agreements and/or relationship work can be done is so important, especially in times like these. If we're going to get through the rest of this year, listening and taking the time out to understand and be understood is imperative so that we're all closer and united, despite differences in political leanings and the like.
Not gonna lie. This week has not been easy. A dysfunctional family is something that is unsettling to everyone, and eventually you learn to roll with the punches. But then things continued their downward spiral as one day this week I got a phone call that let me know that some things weren't going to be the same and that my heart wasn't going to feel safe and secure as it has been for several months. The past few days I have been raw, angry, saddened, and any normal day has the slightest tinge of gray to it. I'm going to admit that I haven't been my best self. When something abrupt and awful happens to you, you sometimes want to break everything and scream until you have no voice left and all you have are tears to release. When I was told by someone very special in my life that things weren't going to continue to be the same between us, I felt an earthquake beginning in my feet, which traveled upwards, spreading to my hands, my head. My heart jumped into my throat as I realized that a day once dreaded had actually come after months of security and happiness. My world came crashing down around me, then built itself back up again in some kind of grotesque rewind scenario. Living day to day when it feels like only half your heart is beating and you no longer feel it as well as you used to is hard. Everyday routines are boring somehow, but frustrating at the same time. You feel like you're owed better, but maybe, a voice whispers, you're not. Because what you had was maybe what you deserved. Sometimes I feel like I deserve things because of the fact that I exist. What's been making these past couple of days bearable is that I am beginning to seek advice, and I am beginning to voice my frustrations, my anger, and some fears and insecurities going forward into this slightly less predictable future. At one point in time, I had things planned out. I thought I was heading for that moment of happily ever after, but sometimes books that have that triumphant moment still have that chapter and a half to go where everything plunges back into chaos, and just when our favorite tv/movie protagonist has saved the day and you think things are going to be happy for more than a few minutes, something incredibly tragic happens and you have the rug ripped out from under you. But I think it's only when you begin to address the loss and you're able to grieve it properly, do you begin the process of letting go. Given that it happened to me just a couple days ago, I know that I'm not finished yet. But talking things out and revisiting the memories are helping with the transition into a new point in my life. Will a future chapter of my life include this person again? time and the heart will tell as to if I'm ready to have him back and if my heart is open to the possibility of starting over. While this has been heartbreaking and frustrating to go through, I'm starting to realize that I have been given space to decide that although it's a hard transition, it's one where I can make things happen for myself and learn how to start over in different ways. I can reinvent myself, and decide what my boundaries are. It's also a time to revisit memories, and learn which ones to keep and which ones to let go of. Although I haven't exactly lived for very long, it's an odd life and sometimes I feel like I could fit in with immortals (although all ever talked about are fictional). When they're described to us in books and movies, many of them have centuries of history written on their faces, yet they learn to continue with time as it ebbs and flows, and maybe let the years lived show on their faces and in their scars every now and then.
I identify strongly with this speech because the Doctor is addressing the many memories he has, and some of them are beautiful and some of them are tragic, but he doesn't let the weight of them destroy him ultimately, which is really encouraging in times like this. The heart is at times an unpredictable force, but life is still the most unpredictable as it gives us things to keep, things to learn, and things to let go of.
Decisions are hard. I really understand what the Doctor was saying when he said that sometimes the only decisions that are available to make are bad ones, but there's still the matter of choosing. I understood that quote on a deep level: take for instance, when Alan Turing built the machine that decoded the German's Enigma codes. In the movie adaptation of Alan's life, they decoded a message about a ship full of civilians and soldiers being bombed that day, but the problem was was they couldn't alert anyone to what they had decoded because they didn't want the Germans to know that their message had been translated. The ramifications of choosing between life and death weighs heavier on the soul than most decisions and choices that we make in life. I didn't have to weigh between which lives are worth saving and which ones are not. Not now, anyway. I simply had to choose whether or not I wanted to go overseas this year for my junior year of college. For many who have gone before, this opportunity offers growth in an area of the world that's very unfamiliar, and other opportunities like learning another language and getting to know the people in a community with traditions that are their own which are there for outsiders to learn about. To have the chance to get to do something like that is what I've wanted to do my whole life. Growing up I just felt like I didn't belong in small places and that I was supposed to do more. I have been exploring that at my school at minnesota, and sometimes coming home after break I felt like I was better suited to a big diverse city like Minneapolis. Being evacuated in early march because of covid, I had to adjust to being back home sooner than I thought was going to happen, but sometimes life happens and pulls the rug out from under you, which also happens to throw off anything you might have planned in your calendar. For the most part, I feel relief, because in talking to friends and family, all have told me that it's a good idea to stave off my plans and work on finding other ways to keep life happening for me this year. When it comes to other emotions, I feel sad, and disappointed because I feel like I didn't do enough to help me get to my goal of what I wanted to do. But the feeling of not doing enough in my life to be successful has been a constant companion, borne from past parental relationships and mindsets that I kept to survive in hard circumstances. This time I think, will be a respite to work on trusting God and having faith that everything is supposed to work out the way it's supposed to. Not my will but His alone, right? I have tears to shed and time to think about how I can take these next couple of months to get closer with family, continue the work I've been doing in counseling, and the beginnings of the foundation of my future and what the next few years will look like for me. Please be praying that I figure out ways to be vulnerable with others about how I feel in this time, and that I also learn how to vulnerable with God during this hard time. It's difficult to lay something like this down before His feet and surrender, but I think it's something I've been needing to learn the meaning of for a long time. If anything, this is what gives me comfort; the fact that even though it hurts to make this kind of decision and stay in a familiar place even when I long to be somewhere I've never been before, here's what I do know: that God is not disappointed in me and never will be. This also gives me comfort as well, and if you're having a bad time of things yourself, I hope this helps where needed.
Thanks so much for reading guys, and happy friday!
A hundred or so years ago, the First World War happened. Ironically, it was a situation that started with a murder, creating a chain reaction that then spiraled, that included multiple nations getting involved, and things got so crazy that people wondered if the war was going to end, or if the world was going to end before that. Fast forward to the year 2020, and things have spiraled once again, beginning with the recorded murder of Ahmaud Arbery, that surfaced in March even though it happened in February, and most recently, a second recorded murder of another black man named George Floyd, this time by a police officer, even though George was not resisting arrest. Even now, there have been peaceful protesters in Minneapolis which is where George was from, but there have also been rioters who are ravaging the city that I called home for two years. And lately, I’m starting to wonder the same thing that everyone else was a hundred or so years ago: will the world end first before the madness does? Another question I must ask: what kind of legacy are we focused on having as a whole? Our history is one that is flawed, because everyone is flawed. But history must be acknowledged so that the same mistakes don’t happened again. We shouldn’t just acknowledge it, but then still repeat it, hoping to give it a different name.
I fear for the children of our future. Will they be sitting in class one day and be shown the murders caught on video, of people destroying and burning down an entire city, and all they’ll feel is shame that we stooped so low but chose to stay there? Or will they see that disturbing archival footage and decide “never again”? We have a responsibility; a duty of care if you will. We must care for each other, no matter what race or skin color someone else is. No one deserves to be treated differently by anyone else, police officer or no. Lin Manuel Miranda defines the word “legacy” perfectly: planting seeds in a garden you never get to see. Being stewards of this “garden”, we must take care. Are we going to generate shame and fear years from now because of past actions, or are we going to get our crap together, and sit down and talk? I hope it’s the second option, because it’s time to start talking about change but doing it productively. In times of crisis, it doesn’t make sense that beautiful things and people deserve to be burned, or torn down, or killed. That’s not how asking for change works. Change isn’t repetition, it’s making a difference. Before it’s too late, I hope we realize that before Minneapolis is turned into another version of No Man’s Land. Please, for all of our sakes, choose change. Do it and someone else will follow the example. Maybe then we can start making different decisions and learn from them.
Hey guys,
It's been a while. I know, I know. Haven't posted anything since new year's. And I take full responsibility for it, things happened, like going back to school after christmas break and getting back into routine, and focusing on my relationship on top of everything else which needed moments of hard talks but fortunately we've been great by the way, and oh yeah, the virus. (Yes, there is passive aggression, sorry). Since I got evacuated from school because of the virus, it's been a transition from a familiar environment and a fixed schedule to online school in a familiar environment surrounded by unfamiliar and somewhat stressful events. Oh, and I've also been doing counseling again. I'm somewhat happy about it and somewhat bummed, because most times I've done counseling I always end up leaving with a diagnosis of some kind. This time it was certified PTSD (and/or PTS if you want to be technically politically correct). Also mild depression on top of that. I figured as much about that one, though. I used to have basic depression, and I've done a lot of work to move on from that part of it, but I still have bad days, which are highlighted by good ones. Honestly, it's hard to be diagnosed with different things when you just want to be some form of healthy human being. I figured I had some form of PTSD after talking about it with my mom in depth, so I wasn't surprised when I was told that I had it by a professional, but it also meant that there was a part of me that was broken that needed to be fixed. I mean obviously there are people who always have a broken piece or two that they either live with or get fixed. I choose to fix my broken as much as possible so that I can move on and make better memories after having the past couple of years be somewhat shaded by sad moments. It's going to be a journey for sure, but it'll be one that's rewarding in the end, even if there are moments where things need to come up to the surface that are too painful to think about, and believe me I have some of those, not afraid to admit it. But I have hope, despite all the crazy that's going on in the world at the moment. Will I press through? Yes I will. Having to write about this stuff again reminds me of that post I made about the Doctor Who episode "Caerdroia". I feel like I got to the right place, but it also feels like I have a long way to go still when it comes to talking things out and healing. All I'm hoping for is the strength to confront all that happened and all that might be buried deep and break through and come out the other side a better and stronger person. Now that I think about it, watching the latest series of Doctor Who has helped me have something to relate to. The last episode of series 12, the doctor finds out that she's an entirely different species than she thought, and that the time lords (aliens that she thought she belonged to) took a lot from her and left a good space of her mind blank because of it. I think that's the best way that I can describe PTSD for myself: there's history and scars, but not all of it is accessible, and it's going to take a lot of work to uncover as much as possible and work through it so that I'm able to do the healing that's needed. Honestly I figure much of the work will look something like this:
Anyhoo, thanks for reading! I hope to write some more on this blog given that I have the time to do a little more of it now!
As the clock continues to move towards midnight and the start of a new year, I have been thinking about the past year and a half and how things have changed so drastically for my life, both at school and at home. At school, roommates have moved around, and some have left. I'm still figuring out my friend group as sophomore year has given me the ability to be friendly with people and carry mealtime conversations, but as far as having a friend group goes, I'm still working on it. I've had some scrapes, a few frustrations, and a breakdown here and there, but I've managed to work through all of that stuff. There was also the hurdle that was my parent's divorce that I had to get through, but being at school in minnesota where I had the privilege of daily interaction with healthy role models and spiritually healthy peers helped soothe the wounds that had been left in the aftermath as I was struggling with feelings of abandonment, rejection, and anger. It's also surprised me in terms of relationships: in the past few months, I have been given the blessing of someone who I wasn't expecting to come this early: a boyfriend, which daily continues to be a surprise in of itself. I honestly didn't think it was in the cards this year as it's been a tough year and a half, but we've managed to hold each other up through the weeks of school and required events, surprisingly. What's nice is that we know what we're like when under pressure (finals, and all that jazz). It's also pretty amazing to have another half that balances me out so well, cause I know that I'm a feisty person, but he's able to cope with the feisty which even though it's surprising, it's really kinda nice. Other things that I've been learning this year is that it's good to slow down, underline the deep important lines in books or in my devotions or even when I'm reading a book for fun, and remember to just keep looking back at the lines of scripture or wisdom that impacted me and how it can apply to daily life. Because for a good part of my life, I was so focused on surviving that I never really got an opportunity to slow down and really think about things that stood out to me that could be used as applicable advice later. I've also had to relearn a few things, especially in my relationship with God. Because to be honest, my life was so up and down, that I spent a lot of time being back and forth with believing and actually trying to be a christian. There'd be a good period, and things would be fine in terms of my walk, but then there'd be a snag that'd last a couple years and I'd just start floundering. This pattern continued for a few years, and I got sick and tired of it. It took some journaling during a time of prayer and focus that got me to understand the big picture, and since then I've been trying to remain constant, while trying to listen for His voice, which I do hear sometimes. Not all religious walks are perfect, least of all mine, but I'm working on it, and it's really just one day, one prayer, and one listening session at a time. Are there things I'd like to grow in this year? I'd like to learn how to be more of a significant other, and work on areas that I might be lacking in, but there's patience and growing room, which I will be forever grateful for. I'd like to have better relationships with my younger siblings, as they've been going through the worst of the divorce, since me a couple of my other siblings who are slightly older than my two little sisters were old enough to be "legally emancipated" from all the proceedings with custody and parenting plans. Obviously I'm going to try and stay in shape, and not let any future papers or assignments get me freaked out easily. There are going to be some more upcoming challenges in the next year, but I'm strong enough to get through them, with a little help when I need it. And another thing that I want to improve in is asking for help and communicating with others in the right time frame so that I'm not leaving anyone in the dark until the last possible second. There will be mistakes, and there will be times where I've forgotten the promises that I'm trying to make to myself in order to be better, but there's also something else that I'm working on improving: patience, and forgiving myself, day by day. It'll be a process, but hey, what isn't in this crazy toss around called life? Anyway, sorry that the first time that I'm posting any new material is tonight, cause I know that some of you have been waiting for new material, but it's been a year, and I'm not making any promises, but I'm planning on writing for my blog while trying to write my papers.
Thanks for reading!
A former roommate showed me this song and it kinda reminds me of what the past year and a half has been like for me, and I wanted to share it.
Welp. Been a long time, hasn't it. But then again, college kinda takes all the time that you have and fills every second with homework, classes, papers, and all that jazz. In terms of an update, where do I start? Let's see: moved to a new school in a new state, with new people, a new schedule, basically new everything. Every day of every week is pretty packed: I have classes from 8-noon on Monday, class from 9-noon on Tuesday, classes on Wednesday that are about an hour each, and then on Tuesdays and Fridays I have chapel which goes from about 150 in the afternoon to 2 in the afternoon. Then on top of that, I have a job that helps pay tuition that I'm required to spend several hours doing during the week, not to mention the required fitness sessions, church (which hasn't been bad, honestly), and outreach, but since mine is on Sundays, I don't have much to worry about on that end. How am I doing, you may ask? It's been a process, for sure. My parents have been going through the court system while finalizing their divorce about custody and all that. It sucks, but I think it sucks less on my end because I'm finally far enough away from the madness to not be as bothered by it anymore. There are days where I do miss my dad, though. I miss the "bigger than me" of it, actually. When someone you love is bigger than you in terms of height, stature and build, you realize just how comforting that is and how you can take it for granted. but anyway, while I've been here, I've made friends, opened up about past and present wounds, the scars that are still healing, and the scars that refuse to heal. And being open hurts, but it ends up doing a lot of good in the end. There have been a couple rough snags recently, as I've been discovering that I might need to reevaluate some relationships that I've been in this semester so that I can find a way to be healthy mentally and spiritually. I feel that I've transitioned into a whole other place than I was emotionally recently. Not going to go into details, but all I can say is that sometimes you think that something might work out but then something happens and you're thrown for a loop-the-loop or just a particularly sharp turn.
But it has helped me put things into perspective a bit. I'm realizing that I have a lot of maturing to do in the area of love, as I don't really know what that is, really. I thought I knew what it was (like every kid does when they look at their parents), but due to certain recent circumstances, I'm finding that I'm very clueless about it all, as any person would be due to their parents marriage ending a different way than the kid initially thought it would. But I've come to realize something: I got so focused on the love that people can give, that I forgot to focus on the love that God Himself gives. I think this is something that every day believers can forget a lot, if that's not too crazy of an idea. Yesterday, I was watching The Gospel of John (for school purposes, although it wasn't assigned), because I thought I could get some good notes on it. And boy, did I ever. The movie was word-for-word of the readable version, and when it got to chapter 17 when Jesus was praying for His disciples before being arrested and dying in the cruelest way possible, I was just floored by the way He was praying for them. It kinda helped me see that part of love where you care for someone so much that it's to the point where it's above your own needs, and I just couldn't believe it. As I think about it, love is really so big a concept that it can't really be condensed into just one version. Sure, there might be some people out there who are reading this and thinking "duh, OF COURSE love is a bigger concept that it's perceived to be by humanity" but I think I'm still learning the basics of it. I know that love is patient, love is kind, yeah. But I didn't really know, you know? When you're a kid memorizing bible verses in Sunday school or memorizing them because your mom wants you to, you don't really think about the depth of them.
You're just memorizing them because you know that on a couple levels on intellect that they're important, but you don't end up realizing just how capital "I" important they really are until you have a big "aha!" moment, and realize. Not to get all theological or anything, but it's just such a "wow" factor for me right now. What's also funny is that you never really listen to certain lyrics of certain songs until you're really ready to understand. The bridge part of this song is something that I've been starting to really pay attention to: "I see what I made in your mother's womb/I see the day I fell in love with you/I see your tomorrows, nothing left to chance/I see my father's fingerprints". Listening to this song before, I was like, "this is so encouraging." But now that I'm listening to this song now after having listened to it for so long I'm thinking "this may be a christian artist who's singing a song that Jesus might say and think about us, but I think that Jesus actually says this." I just haven't really actually listened till now. The second half of the bridge is what really gets me: "You see the struggle, you see the shame/I see the reason I came". Which actually is making me realize that I've been caring so much about the struggle of being on my own as well as dealing with stuff that's happening at home and the shame of not being as whole as I'd like to be spiritually and emotionally, that I've actually forgotten about the love that Jesus has for me. It's a stupid thing to do, but doesn't it happen to everyone now and then? There's not a lot of time that a college student can take to slow down, take a breather and listen, but sometimes there are moments of peace that can be grabbed now and then, sometimes in a nap, being alone for a bit, or listening to music that really grab you and give you hope that things will clear up eventually. I'm on the road to recovery, and although I'm getting closer to the endpoint, I have a ways to go, so if you guys could just keep me in your prayers it would be appreciated. Sometimes I screw up and forget the monumental love for me that exists, and I'll own that, being human and all. But I think things are gonna turn around for me, just not right now. I've posted the song for those of you who are discouraged or feeling like you might be starting to forget, too, in case you need a reminder. Thanks for putting up with the lengthy post, and happy Sunday!
I'll follow up with a post about how things at school have been soon, I promise. I'll make time and also learn to manage time a bit better so I can come back to writing for this.
Hey guys, it's me, finally writing from my other blog that isn't the geeky one that I seem to post more stuff on than this one (which I am slowly starting to work on remedying so just bear with me). Only reason why I haven't been writing, and it's a very legitimate reason, is because my two jobs have been very demanding when it comes to the hours I'm expected to work. Well, at least the BBQ place I feel has that expectation. The other place, which is an ice cream parlor is kinda a bit more relaxed. Recently, my schedule has opened up a bit and I now have a couple more days off which I am working to fix with finding another job which sounds exhausting, but my mom wants me to have enough money saved up for when I need to go shopping for the necessary stuff while I'm at school. Oh, and I also got accepted to a college in Minnesota recently, so I'm starting on the basic stuff, finishing the extra application bits, working on the obnoxious tax paperwork, and going through clothes and seeing what still fits, what's too small, what might have too many holes, that kind of thing. I leave for school in mid august so I'm just now beginning to feel the nerves setting in.
College will be a great step outward for me, but it'll also be something diffult to adjust to as I will be on my own, in a different state, for longer than a couple months. I was able to handle 4 months working at a summer camp, but going to college in a different state for four years will be a challenge. I will find the niche that I'll belong in eventually, and it's not hard for me to make friends, so that's a definite comfort. And just to let you know, stuff at home is doing pretty decent. My mom is figuring out custody stuff which I don't have to deal with since I'm almost 20 which makes me legally "emancipated" from all this legal jargon and whatnot. I finally figured out what it is that I want to do for my 20th birthday, which I'm hoping will be a monumental one as the past couple of birthdays have been slightly lackluster (ok, they've been way more than a little lackluster). I'm planning on doing on doing a little exploring without a schedule and then going to a play. Seeing something live on stage on special trips kinda helps me cement the memories and keep them as unforgettable as possible. I mean, the first actual "big-deal" play that I ever went to was War Horse with the puppets and although some of it is fuzzy now that I think about it I've still managed to remember what seeing that play felt like. Plus whenever I see a stage production it renews my vigor in wanting to get more involved in theater in the near future. Getting so close to college and starting this new chapter in my life makes me think of this song from the short Broadway run of "Amelie" with Phillipa Soo, who used to play Eliza Hamilton in Hamilton, and it's just so hopeful and it talks about new beginnings and a life getting to finally begin.
Whenever I listen to it I always think of what I have coming up this year and even though I am nervous I am also excited about what the upcoming months and the upcoming new year could have in store for me to discover about myself and what will be my new home for a couple years.
Thanks for reading and listening, and happy wednesday!
I am going to be honest with you guys. Things might seem to be more on the up-and-up for me lately, but that's not exactly true. Not that I was expecting that you automatically assume that bloggers have a pretty perfect life (I don't think they do, except for the lady who writes the Cake Wrecks and Epbot blogs.) Lately, I've been feeling a sense of not getting a lot accomplished, as well as feeling lonely. I have been trying to get out there more and hang out with people my age, but that's hard to do when anyone that's my age is in school, working, and doing who else knows what. I'm feeling not very well accomplished because my younger sister is gone at her second allstate choir thing in about two weekends and I'm over here working, driving people back and forth, and not doing anything very extraordinary.
Please bear with me here, because I'm gonna get as honest as I can on the internet with this sort of thing. I'm going to phrase this as a "family difficulty" because that's the best term that I have for it. To say it that way though is like using a super polite word to explain something that you just want to keep secret. I have talked about it with family and a couple of friends, so it's not like I'm suffering in silence, but here goes: my parents are going through the process of taking a break and getting space, and because of some frustrations that have come up, it's become likely that the break will be a permanent one. How am I doing with this? I'm not exactly like screaming and weeping, but there's a lot of anger and frustration at how things are being handled sometimes. My siblings and I are going to be moving with my mom and my dad is out of the house already, coming over every now and then to collect his stuff for storage to be moved into another place in the future. I don't want to be cliche, but I never thought this would happen. Separation and divorce in families, but I never thought something like this would happen with mine. While picking up my brother from his basketball practice, I was listening to a song of Coldplay's called "Don't Panic", and the chorus consists of the lines "we live in a beautiful world/yeah we do, yeah we do/" I was singing along but then I started thinking and I realized that at the moment, I'm not living in a beautiful world.
What makes the world beautiful are friends, families, and the things you do that help to make the world and your life beautiful. I realize that since New Year's Day, things around me and myself personally have changed drastically. On december 31st, I had no idea that there was a large amount of conflict that I knew nothing of, which I know about now that my mom has been working on the stuff for a legal break-taking, along with the moving, and my dad coming over to pack his things. I know that none of it was my fault, I think this is supposed to happen, even though I don't want it to. I feel like most times I'm happy, but I feel like it's an emotion I need to have in order to not think about what's happening too much and also because other people need to see a smile and not a frown unless I'm confused or flustered about something or other. Most of the time I feel like my main two emotions are frustration and anger because this is all happening to me, my siblings, and my parents. And I don't know how to cope at times. It's not major depression like I used to have but I think it's mostly intense sadness that's been happening. Everyone feels it at the moment. I do have support so that's working out all right. As long as I have someone to talk to about how I'm really feeling I usually end up fine. I wasn't able to actually release emotionally, which is a coping mechanism I used when my older sister was getting married. But I listened to the song "This Is Me" from The Greatest Showman, and it loosened up tears that were all tightened up. I've been crying more which is a sign of release but this isn't going to be an easy transition for any of us.
I hope I'm not spoiling the movie for people who haven't seen The Greatest Showman yet, but I think this is the most powerful song to come from a movie musical like this.
I know I haven't posted anything much on this blog cause I've been focused on my other one more. I've kinda been trying to shape it up a little more cause before it was disorganized like writing wise and topic wise. Now I've been able to work on my writing and making things a bit more organized in the area of topics. Speaking of topics, let's talk about the mind, mine especially. Today I have felt all over the place mood wise. One thing that has been able to help me understand myself more psychologically is something from Doctor Who, actually. Not a tv episode but an audio one. (And yes before you ask, they make those too.) It's called "Caerdroia", from the 8th Doctor's adventures in the Divergent Universe after the whole Zagreus thing goes down (if you want to know more it's mentioned in my other blog but I'm getting off the subject).
In this weirdly named episode the Doctor ends up getting split into 3 different parts of his personality and what makes him, him: a ditzy giddy one, an incredibly snarky one and then the third Doctor is just the normal one with the two incarnate personalities combined. Going through depression, I sometimes have good days where I find myself laughing and being silly, like the Ditzy Doctor. Other days when daily stresses and the depression combine and make a double threat and decide to pounce I find that I've become basically like the Snarky Doctor. Although both personalities were unbearable and interesting to get to know in some way in the episode, in the end they were used to get to the solution, which was finding the TARDIS that happened to be in the center of the labyrinth, whereupon all 3 combined and everything was right again. What's interesting about this episode is that the title of the episode, "Caerdroia", happens to mean 'fortress of turns' which is basically synonymous with the word "labyrinth".
Being the kind of person that I am (who happens to be very visual with the way I think and talk) I kinda picture my whole emotional situation as a kind of 'fortress of turns' and I haven't gotten to the TARDIS yet (the moment of clarifying balance where I'm finally myself and at peace) and I'm still trying to find my way towards the end of the maze. It's a weird analogy I know, but it kinda helps me see things more clearly actually. Sometimes I feel close to the end but other days I feel like I keep getting stuck in the dead ends only continuing to feel more defeated as I wonder what is wrong with me since I can't seem to find an easy way out. Nothing is wrong with me. My self grievance happens to be a side effect of depression. And I know that I am talking about Doctor Who in my non-geek blog but sometimes I feel like I can keep myself pretty well translated when I talk about it or quote it (much to the chagrin of my siblings). But I think as long as we're able to find a way to help ourselves be understood by others it's pretty much on the right track. I'm not exactly out of the labyrinth yet, but I'm close, and that's pretty much what counts to me. Sometimes I feel like there are people who know they're strong and then there are others who have to kind of look for the feeling of strength. I kinda feel like I'm still looking for mine. I will eventually, it's going to take some time. And I'm willing to wait for it.
Given the awful events of saturday night, I will say this: This beautiful rock we call home sucks at times. Sure we weren't designed to have such tragedy happen like this, but to go further and say a bunch of soft happy stuff such as that would be shorting my way through a blog post. Sometimes, though, humanity is strong. I just saw The Zookeeper's Wife and it was a VERY strong testament to what good people can do in the darkest times. But other times, humans decide to act out and hurt others like what happened in Las Vegas. I'm not pardoning the shooter in any way. But as long as we remember the "pile of good things", those black days might not seem so hard to get through. One thing humanity can always be credited for is toughing it out. It won't happen as fast as we want to, because sadly, there were casualties, and as far as I know, they seem to be rising count wise. One thing about grief that I wil say is that it's a process.
It's hard to wake up cause The Realization only hits you in the chest, making you feel more awful than ever before. But as long you just take the steps required to just keep going, you will come out stronger, but different. It's not the different we want to be, but grief does that. It makes who you used to be vacate the premesis only to be replaced with a harder, and more sad version of yourself who you had no idea was coming. But as long as we remember just how kind the world can be, we will all trudge through this devastation, learn how to clean things up, and start what we need to do in order to keep these sorts of things from happening. Being a christian, I acknowlegde that death isn't going away until God decides to come back, but if there is a way of making less death happen, then I'm all for it.
I thought this clip fit because above all, one of the most important things that humanity can do for each other is kindness. We should all try to remember that. And I think that once we do, we'll REALLY get the ball rolling on what needs to be bettered.
Independence Day. That day of the year especially put aside for family, fireworks, food, and fun. (And I just managed to use words all beginning with the letter f. Yay!) But anyway, there's this video talking about Independence Day that I used to watch all the time as a little kid. It was my favorite and I thought it was considerably appropriate considering the occasion. Happy 4th, everyone, and I will post something up that's more wordy later!
Memorial Day. The day where we honor our fallen, and the ones who have come home. But in a way, the ones who come back are more different than they used to be when they left. The ones who come home have scars, awful nightmares that keep them up at night, too afraid to close their eyes cause terror and pain are all that wait for them when they do eventually succumb to sleep. Some come back with hardened hearts from having it get torn open over and over, losing friends and brothers on the battle field. I'll never be able to imagine what war is like. I've only read about it. And I've also been in close proximity to a person who was changed by war. Sometimes, you know that this planet was created to have beautiful things in it but there are ugly words that exist. Like war, and battle, and death, and PTSD. Things like that I feel like were never meant to exist. But they do. And we learn to live with ugly things, as much as we hate them.
I try to keep things that are geek and fandom related separated with these blogs (even though I posted something about Star Wars 4 days ago) But this just speaks to me on a deeper level. This little snippet is from season 8 of Doctor Who, and I believe this part to be incredibly powerful, very emotional and extraordinary, cause of the writing put into this scene and the unbelievably talented acting. With this video, I am not trying to put any harsh opinions out there, but this spoke to a lot of people on a very deep level when this episode aired.
So apparently, 3 weeks from May 4th, happens to be the anniversary of A New Hope, which came out on May 25th, 1977. And what better to celebrate it with than with this awesome thing. So I'm kinda into things like 2Cellos and bands that use something called electric cellos (which I find pretty cool but anyway). There happens to be another group that I like called The Piano Guys. And they happened to do a bit of a Star Wars Medley. Using electric cellos. And it's awesome. Some might find it cheesy, but others might find it awesome. Enjoy, and happy 2nd Star Wars Day!
I know, I know, you guys have been waiting for this for a LONG time. Emphasis on "long." I am working two jobs. Two. Jobs. Me. Interesting how that happened. I was already working at a horseback riding school as a wrangler, which I love by the way. Then I went in for a job interview at the local ice cream emporium about 15 minutes or so away from where I live now. I thought it would be complicated, what with ice cream orders and shake making and malt making. But it actually isn't. I know how to make shakes and malts now (yay!) and I haven't had a single shake explosion yet. When I say 'yet', I know it's waiting to happen sometime in the near future. Working at an ice cream place has its perks, though. Not only am I basically smack dab in the middle of town, where everything happens, this INCREDIBLY SUPER cute guy with the most GORGEOUS eyes came in today and I suddenly had no idea how to make the shake he ordered but ANYWAY.
Having two part time jobs is tiring. When I had one part time job, I had a few days of recuperation afterwards cause extended hours in a rock hard leather saddle can take a lot out of you. But now, I'm going from working at the ice cream place one day to horseback riding the next, then working at the ice cream place the day after that. So, yeah. Most days I feel like flopping to the floor and just lying there. But both jobs keep me on my toes. I'm glad that I have a job based in the town where I used to live, cause I sometimes feel really isolated where I am now. But at least things are happening. I was in a bit of a rough spot emotionally, and was feeling pretty lonely. Now I have opportunities to hang out with girls around my age and be able to have a bit more of a social life cause I've gone a long time without having very much of one. I think things are finally on the up and up for me, and as far as I'm concerned, the rollercoaster that is my life can only go up, my friend.
