01/31/18 Thursday

I am going to be honest with you guys. Things might seem to be more on the up-and-up for me lately, but that's not exactly true. Not that I was expecting that you automatically assume that bloggers have a pretty perfect life (I don't think they do, except for the lady who writes the Cake Wrecks and Epbot blogs.) Lately, I've been feeling a sense of not getting a lot accomplished, as well as feeling lonely. I have been trying to get out there more and hang out with people my age, but that's hard to do when anyone that's my age is in school, working, and doing who else knows what. I'm feeling not very well accomplished because my younger sister is gone at her second allstate choir thing in about two weekends and I'm over here working, driving people back and forth, and not doing anything very extraordinary.
Please bear with me here, because I'm gonna get as honest as I can on the internet with this sort of thing. I'm going to phrase this as a "family difficulty" because that's the best term that I have for it. To say it that way though is like using a super polite word to explain something that you just want to keep secret. I have talked about it with family and a couple of friends, so it's not like I'm suffering in silence, but here goes: my parents are going through the process of taking a break and getting space, and because of some frustrations that have come up, it's become likely that the break will be a permanent one. How am I doing with this? I'm not exactly like screaming and weeping, but there's a lot of anger and frustration at how things are being handled sometimes. My siblings and I are going to be moving with my mom and my dad is out of the house already, coming over every now and then to collect his stuff for storage to be moved into another place in the future. I don't want to be cliche, but I never thought this would happen. Separation and divorce in families, but I never thought something like this would happen with mine. While picking up my brother from his basketball practice, I was listening to a song of Coldplay's called "Don't Panic", and the chorus consists of the lines "we live in a beautiful world/yeah we do, yeah we do/" I was singing along but then I started thinking and I realized that at the moment, I'm not living in a beautiful world.
What makes the world beautiful are friends, families, and the things you do that help to make the world and your life beautiful. I realize that since New Year's Day, things around me and myself personally have changed drastically. On december 31st, I had no idea that there was a large amount of conflict that I knew nothing of, which I know about now that my mom has been working on the stuff for a legal break-taking, along with the moving, and my dad coming over to pack his things. I know that none of it was my fault, I think this is supposed to happen, even though I don't want it to.  I feel like most times I'm happy, but I feel like  it's an emotion I need to have in order to not think about what's happening too much and also because other people need to see a smile and not a frown unless I'm confused or flustered about something or other. Most of the time I feel like my main two emotions are frustration and anger because this is all happening to me, my siblings, and my parents. And I don't know how to cope at times. It's not major depression like I used to have but I think it's mostly intense sadness that's been happening. Everyone feels it at the moment. I do have support so that's working out all right. As long as I have someone to talk to about how I'm really feeling I usually end up fine. I wasn't able to actually release emotionally, which is a coping mechanism I used when my older sister was getting married. But I listened to the song "This Is Me" from The Greatest Showman, and it loosened up tears that were all tightened up. I've been crying more which is a sign of release but this isn't going to be an easy transition for any of us.




I hope I'm not spoiling the movie for people who haven't seen The Greatest Showman yet, but I think this is the most powerful song to come from a movie musical like this.

Thanks for reading/watching, and happy thursday!

Monday 10/03/17

I know I haven't posted anything much on this blog cause I've been focused on my other one more. I've kinda been trying to shape it up a little more cause before it was disorganized like writing wise and topic wise. Now I've been able to work on my writing and making things a bit more organized in the area of topics. Speaking of topics, let's talk about the mind, mine especially. Today I have felt all over the place mood wise. One thing that has been able to help me understand myself more psychologically is something from Doctor Who, actually. Not a tv episode but an audio one. (And yes before you ask, they make those too.) It's called "Caerdroia", from the 8th Doctor's adventures in the Divergent Universe after the whole Zagreus thing goes down (if you want to know more it's mentioned in my other blog but I'm getting off the subject).

 In this weirdly named episode the Doctor ends up getting split into 3 different parts of his personality and what makes him, him: a ditzy giddy one, an incredibly snarky one and then the third Doctor is just the normal one with the two incarnate personalities combined. Going through depression, I sometimes have good days where I find myself laughing and being silly, like the Ditzy Doctor. Other days when daily stresses and the depression combine and make a double threat and decide to pounce I find that I've become basically like the Snarky Doctor. Although both personalities were unbearable and interesting to get to know in some way in the episode, in the end they were used to get to the solution, which was finding the TARDIS that happened to be in the center of the labyrinth, whereupon all 3 combined and everything was right again. What's interesting about this episode is that the title of the episode, "Caerdroia", happens to mean 'fortress of turns' which is basically synonymous with the word "labyrinth".

 Being the kind of person that I am (who happens to be very visual with the way I think and talk) I kinda picture my whole emotional situation as a kind of 'fortress of turns' and I haven't gotten to the TARDIS yet (the moment of clarifying balance where I'm finally myself and at peace) and I'm still trying to find my way towards the end of the maze. It's a weird analogy I know, but it kinda helps me see things more clearly actually. Sometimes I feel close to the end but other days I feel like I keep getting stuck in the dead ends only continuing to feel more defeated as I wonder what is wrong with me since I can't seem to find an easy way out. Nothing is wrong with me. My self grievance happens to be a side effect of depression. And I know that I am talking about Doctor Who in my non-geek blog but sometimes I feel like I can keep myself pretty well translated when I talk about it or quote it (much to the chagrin of my siblings). But I think as long as we're able to find a way to help ourselves be understood by others it's pretty much on the right track. I'm not exactly out of the labyrinth yet, but I'm close, and that's pretty much what counts to me. Sometimes I feel like there are people who know they're strong and then there are others who have to kind of look for the feeling of strength. I kinda feel like I'm still looking for mine. I will eventually, it's going to take some time. And I'm willing to wait for it.


Thanks for reading, and happy monday, guys!!

Tuesday 10/03/17

Given the awful events of saturday night, I will say this: This beautiful rock we call home sucks at times. Sure we weren't designed to have such tragedy happen like this, but to go further and say a bunch of soft happy stuff such as that would be shorting my way through a blog post. Sometimes, though, humanity is strong. I just saw The Zookeeper's Wife and it was a VERY strong testament to what good people can do in the darkest times. But other times, humans decide to act out and hurt others like what happened in Las Vegas. I'm not pardoning the shooter in any way. But as long as we remember the "pile of good things", those black days might not seem so hard to get through. One thing humanity can always be credited for is toughing it out. It won't happen as fast as we want to, because sadly, there were casualties, and as far as I know, they seem to be rising count wise. One thing about grief that I wil say is that it's a process.

It's hard to wake up cause The Realization only hits you in the chest, making you feel more awful than ever before. But as long you just take the steps required to just keep going, you will come out stronger, but different. It's not the different we want to be, but grief does that. It makes who you used to be vacate the premesis only to be replaced with a harder, and more sad version of yourself who you had no idea was coming. But as long as we remember just how kind the world can be, we will all trudge through this devastation, learn how to clean things up, and start what we need to do in order to keep these sorts of things from happening. Being a christian, I acknowlegde that death isn't going away until God decides to come back, but if there is a way of making less death happen, then I'm all for it.

I thought this clip fit because above all, one of the most important things that humanity can do for each other is kindness. We should all try to remember that. And I think that once we do, we'll REALLY get the ball rolling on what needs to be bettered.

Thanks for reading, and happy tuesday, guys!!!

Tuesday 7/04/17

Independence Day. That day of the year especially put aside for family, fireworks, food, and fun. (And I just managed to use words all beginning with the letter f. Yay!) But anyway, there's this video talking about Independence Day that I used to watch all the time as a little kid. It was my favorite and I thought it was considerably appropriate considering the occasion. Happy 4th, everyone, and I will post something up that's more wordy later!

Happy 4th, everyone!!

Memorial Day 5/29/17

Memorial Day. The day where we honor our fallen, and the ones who have come home. But in a way, the ones who come back are more different than they used to be when they left. The ones who come home have scars, awful nightmares that keep them up at night, too afraid to close their eyes cause terror and pain are all that wait for them when they do eventually succumb to sleep. Some come back with hardened hearts from having it get torn open over and over, losing friends and brothers on the battle field. I'll never be able to imagine what war is like. I've only read about it. And I've also been in close proximity to a person who was changed by war. Sometimes, you know that this planet was created to have beautiful things in it but there are ugly words that exist. Like war, and battle, and death, and PTSD. Things like that I feel like were never meant to exist. But they do. And we learn to live with ugly things, as much as we hate them.

I try to keep things that are geek and fandom related separated with these blogs (even though I posted something about Star Wars 4 days ago) But this just speaks to me on a deeper level. This little snippet is from season 8 of Doctor Who, and I believe this part to be incredibly powerful, very emotional and extraordinary, cause of the writing put into this scene and the unbelievably talented acting. With this video, I am not trying to put any harsh opinions out there, but this spoke to a lot of people on a very deep level when this episode aired.

Thanks for reading/watching, and happy monday!

Happy Star Wars Day.......Again

So apparently, 3 weeks from May 4th, happens to be the anniversary of A New Hope, which came out on May 25th, 1977. And what better to celebrate it with than with this awesome thing. So I'm kinda into things like 2Cellos and bands that use something called electric cellos (which I find pretty cool but anyway). There happens to be another group that I like called The Piano Guys. And they happened to do a bit of a Star Wars Medley. Using electric cellos. And it's awesome. Some might find it cheesy, but others might find it awesome. Enjoy, and happy 2nd Star Wars Day!

Happy thursday, guys!!!!

Tuesday 5/16/17

I know, I know, you guys have been waiting for this for a LONG time. Emphasis on "long." I am working two jobs. Two. Jobs. Me. Interesting how that happened. I was already working at a horseback riding school as a wrangler, which I love by the way. Then I went in for a job interview at the local ice cream emporium about 15 minutes or so away from where I live now. I thought it would be complicated, what with ice cream orders and shake making and malt making. But it actually isn't. I know how to make shakes and malts now (yay!) and I haven't had a single shake explosion yet. When I say 'yet', I know it's waiting to happen sometime in the near future. Working at an ice cream place has its perks, though. Not only am I basically smack dab in the middle of town, where everything happens, this INCREDIBLY SUPER cute guy with the most GORGEOUS eyes came in today and I suddenly had no idea how to make the shake he ordered but ANYWAY. 

Having two part time jobs is tiring. When I had one part time job, I had a few days of recuperation afterwards cause extended hours in a rock hard leather saddle can take a lot out of you. But now, I'm going from working at the ice cream place one day to horseback riding the next, then working at the ice cream place the day after that. So, yeah. Most days I feel like flopping to the floor and just lying there. But both jobs keep me on my toes. I'm glad that I have a job based in the town where I used to live, cause I sometimes feel really isolated where I am now. But at least things are happening. I was in a bit of a rough spot emotionally, and was feeling pretty lonely. Now I have opportunities to hang out with girls around my age and be able to have a bit more of a social life cause I've gone a long time without having very much of one. I think things are finally on the up and up for me, and as far as I'm concerned, the rollercoaster that is my life can only go up, my friend. 

Thanks for reading, and happy tuesday!