04/08/20: Update

Hey guys,
It's been a while. I know, I know. Haven't posted anything since new year's. And I take full responsibility for it, things happened, like going back to school after christmas break and getting back into routine, and focusing on my relationship on top of everything else which needed moments of hard talks but fortunately we've been great by the way, and oh yeah, the virus. (Yes, there is passive aggression, sorry). Since I got evacuated from school because of the virus, it's been a transition from a familiar environment and a fixed schedule to online school in a familiar environment surrounded by unfamiliar and somewhat stressful events. Oh, and I've also been doing counseling again. I'm somewhat happy about it and somewhat bummed, because most times I've done counseling I always end up leaving with a diagnosis of some kind. This time it was certified PTSD (and/or PTS if you want to be technically politically correct). Also mild depression on top of that. I figured as much about that one, though. I used to have basic depression, and I've done a lot of work to move on from that part of it, but I still have bad days, which are highlighted by good ones. Honestly, it's hard to be diagnosed with different things when you just want to be some form of healthy human being. I figured I had some form of PTSD after talking about it with my mom in depth, so I wasn't surprised when I was told that I had it by a professional, but it also meant that there was a part of me that was broken that needed to be fixed. I mean obviously there are people who always have a broken piece or two that they either live with or get fixed. I choose to fix my broken as much as possible so that I can move on and make better memories after having the past couple of years be somewhat shaded by sad moments. It's going to be a journey for sure, but it'll be one that's rewarding in the end, even if there are moments where things need to come up to the surface that are too painful to think about, and believe me I have some of those, not afraid to admit it. But I have hope, despite all the crazy that's going on in the world at the moment. Will I press through? Yes I will. Having to write about this stuff again reminds me of that post I made about the Doctor Who episode "Caerdroia". I feel like I got to the right place, but it also feels like I have a long way to go still when it comes to talking things out and healing. All I'm hoping for is the strength to confront all that happened and all that might be buried deep and break through and come out the other side a better and stronger person. Now that I think about it, watching the latest series of Doctor Who has helped me have something to relate to. The last episode of series 12, the doctor finds out that she's an entirely different species than she thought, and that the time lords (aliens that she thought she belonged to) took a lot from her and left a good space of her mind blank because of it. I think that's the best way that I can describe PTSD for myself: there's history and scars, but not all of it is accessible, and it's going to take a lot of work to uncover as much as possible and work through it so that I'm able to do the healing that's needed. Honestly I figure much of the work will look something like this:

Anyhoo, thanks for reading! I hope to write some more on this blog given that I have the time to do a little more of it now! 

Until next time, then!

New Year's Eve 12/31/19

As the clock continues to move towards midnight and the start of a new year, I have been thinking about the past year and a half and how things have changed so drastically for my life, both at school and at home. At school, roommates have moved around, and some have left. I'm still figuring out my friend group as sophomore year has given me the ability to be friendly with people and carry mealtime conversations, but as far as having a friend group goes, I'm still working on it. I've had some scrapes, a few frustrations, and a breakdown here and there, but I've managed to work through all of that stuff. There was also the hurdle that was my parent's divorce that I had to get through, but being at school in minnesota where I had the privilege of daily interaction with healthy role models and spiritually healthy peers helped soothe the wounds that had been left in the aftermath as I was struggling with feelings of abandonment, rejection, and anger. It's also surprised me in terms of relationships: in the past few months, I have been given the blessing of someone who I wasn't expecting to come this early: a boyfriend, which daily continues to be a surprise in of itself. I honestly didn't think it was in the cards this year as it's been a tough year and a half, but we've managed to hold each other up through the weeks of school and required events, surprisingly. What's nice is that we know what we're like when under pressure (finals, and all that jazz). It's also pretty amazing to have another half that balances me out so well, cause I know that I'm a feisty person, but he's able to cope with the feisty which even though it's surprising, it's really kinda nice. Other things that I've been learning this year is that it's good to slow down, underline the deep important lines in books or in my devotions or even when I'm reading a book for fun, and remember to just keep looking back at the lines of scripture or wisdom that impacted me and how it can apply to daily life. Because for a good part of my life, I was so focused on surviving that I never really got an opportunity to slow down and really think about things that stood out to me that could be used as applicable advice later. I've also had to relearn a few things, especially in my relationship with God. Because to be honest, my life was so up and down, that I spent a lot of time being back and forth with believing and actually trying to be a christian. There'd be a good period, and things would be fine in terms of my walk, but then there'd be a snag that'd last a couple years and I'd just start floundering. This pattern continued for a few years, and I got sick and tired of it. It took some journaling during a time of prayer and focus that got me to understand the big picture, and since then I've been trying to remain constant, while trying to listen for His voice, which I do hear sometimes. Not all religious walks are perfect, least of all mine, but I'm working on it, and it's really just one day, one prayer, and one listening session at a time. Are there things I'd like to grow in this year? I'd like to learn how to be more of a significant other, and work on areas that I might be lacking in, but there's patience and growing room, which I will be forever grateful for. I'd like to have better relationships with my younger siblings, as they've been going through the worst of the divorce, since me a couple of my other siblings who are slightly older than my two little sisters were old enough to be "legally emancipated" from all the proceedings with custody and parenting plans. Obviously I'm going to try and stay in shape, and not let any future papers or assignments get me freaked out easily. There are going to be some more upcoming challenges in the next year, but I'm strong enough to get through them, with a little help when I need it. And another thing that I want to improve in is asking for help and communicating with others in the right time frame so that I'm not leaving anyone in the dark until the last possible second. There will be mistakes, and there will be times where I've forgotten the promises that I'm trying to make to myself in order to be better, but there's also something else that I'm working on improving: patience, and forgiving myself, day by day. It'll be a process, but hey, what isn't in this crazy toss around called life? Anyway, sorry that the first time that I'm posting any new material is tonight, cause I know that some of you have been waiting for new material, but it's been a year, and I'm not making any promises, but I'm planning on writing for my blog while trying to write my papers.

Thanks for reading!

A former roommate showed me this song and it kinda reminds me of what the past year and a half has been like for me, and I wanted to share it. 

Spring 2019 update (that's just a year too late, sorry!)

Welp. Been a long time, hasn't it. But then again, college kinda takes all the time that you have and fills every second with homework, classes, papers, and all that jazz. In terms of an update, where do I start? Let's see: moved to a new school in a new state, with new people, a new schedule, basically new everything. Every day of every week is pretty packed: I have classes from 8-noon on Monday, class from 9-noon on Tuesday, classes on Wednesday that are about an hour each, and then on Tuesdays and Fridays I have chapel which goes from about 150 in the afternoon to 2 in the afternoon.  Then on top of that, I have a job that helps pay tuition that I'm required to spend several hours doing during the week, not to mention the required fitness sessions, church (which hasn't been bad, honestly), and outreach, but since mine is on Sundays, I don't have much to worry about on that end. How am I doing, you may ask? It's been a process, for sure. My parents have been going through the court system while finalizing their divorce about custody and all that. It sucks, but I think it sucks less on my end because I'm finally far enough away from the madness to not be as bothered by it anymore. There are days where I do miss my dad, though. I miss the "bigger than me" of it, actually. When someone you love is bigger than you in terms of height, stature and build, you realize just how comforting that is and how you can take it for granted. but anyway, while I've been here, I've made friends, opened up about past and present wounds, the scars that are still healing, and the scars that refuse to heal. And being open hurts, but it ends up doing a lot of good in the end. There have been a couple rough snags recently, as I've been discovering that I might need to reevaluate some relationships that I've been in this semester so that I can find a way to be healthy mentally and spiritually. I feel that I've transitioned into a whole other place than I was emotionally recently. Not going to go into details, but all I can say is that sometimes you think that something might work out but then something happens and you're thrown for a loop-the-loop or just a particularly sharp turn.


But it has helped me put things into perspective a bit. I'm realizing that I have a lot of maturing to do in the area of love, as I don't really know what that is, really. I thought I knew what it was (like every kid does when they look at their parents), but due to certain recent circumstances, I'm finding that I'm very clueless about it all, as any person would be due to their parents marriage ending a different way than the kid initially thought it would. But I've come to realize something: I got so focused on the love that people can give, that I forgot to focus on the love that God Himself gives. I think this is something that every day believers can forget a lot, if that's not too crazy of an idea. Yesterday, I was watching The Gospel of John (for school purposes, although it wasn't assigned), because I thought I could get some good notes on it. And boy, did I ever. The movie was word-for-word of the readable version, and when it got to chapter 17 when Jesus was praying for His disciples before being arrested and dying in the cruelest way possible, I was just floored by the way He was praying for them. It kinda helped me see that part of love where you care for someone so much that it's to the point where it's above your own needs, and I just couldn't believe it. As I think about it, love is really so big a concept that it can't really be condensed into just one version. Sure, there might be some people out there who are reading this and thinking "duh, OF COURSE love is a bigger concept that it's perceived to be by humanity" but I think I'm still learning the basics of it. I know that love is patient, love is kind, yeah. But I didn't really know, you know? When you're a kid memorizing bible verses in Sunday school or memorizing them because your mom wants you to, you don't really think about the depth of them.

You're just memorizing them because you know that on a couple levels on intellect that they're important, but you don't end up realizing just how capital "I" important they really are until you have a big "aha!" moment, and realize. Not to get all theological or anything, but it's just such a "wow" factor for me right now. What's also funny is that you never really listen to certain lyrics of certain songs until you're really ready to understand. The bridge part of this song is something that I've been starting to really pay attention to: "I see what I made in your mother's womb/I see the day I fell in love with you/I see your tomorrows, nothing left to chance/I see my father's fingerprints". Listening to this song before, I was like, "this is so encouraging." But now that I'm listening to this song now after having listened to it for so long I'm thinking "this may be a christian artist who's singing a song that Jesus might say and think about us, but I think that Jesus actually says this." I just haven't really actually listened till now. The second half of the bridge is what really gets me: "You see the struggle, you see the shame/I see the reason I came". Which actually is making me realize that I've been caring so much about the struggle of being on my own as well as dealing with stuff that's happening at home and the shame of not being as whole as I'd like to be spiritually and emotionally, that I've actually forgotten about the love that Jesus has for me. It's a stupid thing to do, but doesn't it happen to everyone now and then? There's not a lot of time that a college student can take to slow down, take a breather and listen, but sometimes there are moments of  peace that can be grabbed now and then, sometimes in a nap, being alone for a bit, or listening to music that really grab you and give you hope that things will clear up eventually. I'm on the road to recovery, and although I'm getting closer to the endpoint, I have a ways to go, so if you guys could just keep me in your prayers it would be appreciated. Sometimes I screw up and forget the monumental love for me that exists, and I'll own that, being human and all. But I think things are gonna turn around for me, just not right now. I've posted the song for those of you who are discouraged or feeling like you might be starting to forget, too, in case you need a reminder. Thanks for putting up with the lengthy post, and happy Sunday!

I'll follow up with a post about how things at school have been soon, I promise. I'll make time and also learn to manage time a bit better so I can come back to writing for this. 

Wednesday 07/18/18

Hey guys, it's me, finally writing from my other blog that isn't the geeky one that I seem to post more stuff on than this one (which I am slowly starting to work on remedying so just bear with me). Only reason why I haven't been writing, and it's a very legitimate reason, is because my two jobs have been very demanding when it comes to the hours I'm expected to work. Well, at least the BBQ place I feel has that expectation. The other place, which is an ice cream parlor is kinda a bit more relaxed. Recently, my schedule has opened up a bit and I now have a couple more days off which I am working to fix with finding another job which sounds exhausting, but my mom wants me to have enough money saved up for when I need to go shopping for the necessary stuff while I'm at school. Oh, and I also got accepted to a college in Minnesota recently, so I'm starting on the basic stuff, finishing the extra application bits, working on the obnoxious tax paperwork, and going through clothes and seeing what still fits, what's too small, what might have too many holes, that kind of thing. I leave for school in mid august so I'm just now beginning to feel the nerves setting in.

 College will be a great step outward for me, but it'll also be something diffult to adjust to as I will be on my own, in a different state, for longer than a couple months. I was able to handle 4 months working at a summer camp, but going to college in a different state for four years will be a challenge. I will find the niche that I'll belong in eventually, and it's not hard for me to make friends, so that's a definite comfort. And just to let you know, stuff at home is doing pretty decent. My mom is figuring out custody stuff which I don't have to deal with since I'm almost 20 which makes me legally "emancipated" from all this legal jargon and whatnot. I finally figured out what it is that I want to do for my 20th birthday, which I'm hoping will be a monumental one as the past couple of birthdays have been slightly lackluster (ok, they've been way more than a little lackluster). I'm planning on doing on doing a little exploring without a schedule and then going to a play. Seeing something live on stage on special trips kinda helps me cement the memories and keep them as unforgettable as possible. I mean, the first actual "big-deal" play that I ever went to was War Horse with the puppets and although some of it is fuzzy now that I think about it I've still managed to remember what seeing that play felt like. Plus whenever I see a stage production it renews my vigor in wanting to get more involved in theater in the near future. Getting so close to college and starting this new chapter in my life makes me think of this song from the short Broadway run of "Amelie" with Phillipa Soo, who used to play Eliza Hamilton in Hamilton, and it's just so hopeful and it talks about new beginnings and a life getting to finally begin.

Whenever I listen to it I always think of what I have coming up this year and even though I am nervous I am also excited about what the upcoming months and the upcoming new year could have in store for me to discover about myself and what will be my new home for a couple years.

Thanks for reading and listening, and happy wednesday!

01/31/18 Thursday

I am going to be honest with you guys. Things might seem to be more on the up-and-up for me lately, but that's not exactly true. Not that I was expecting that you automatically assume that bloggers have a pretty perfect life (I don't think they do, except for the lady who writes the Cake Wrecks and Epbot blogs.) Lately, I've been feeling a sense of not getting a lot accomplished, as well as feeling lonely. I have been trying to get out there more and hang out with people my age, but that's hard to do when anyone that's my age is in school, working, and doing who else knows what. I'm feeling not very well accomplished because my younger sister is gone at her second allstate choir thing in about two weekends and I'm over here working, driving people back and forth, and not doing anything very extraordinary.
Please bear with me here, because I'm gonna get as honest as I can on the internet with this sort of thing. I'm going to phrase this as a "family difficulty" because that's the best term that I have for it. To say it that way though is like using a super polite word to explain something that you just want to keep secret. I have talked about it with family and a couple of friends, so it's not like I'm suffering in silence, but here goes: my parents are going through the process of taking a break and getting space, and because of some frustrations that have come up, it's become likely that the break will be a permanent one. How am I doing with this? I'm not exactly like screaming and weeping, but there's a lot of anger and frustration at how things are being handled sometimes. My siblings and I are going to be moving with my mom and my dad is out of the house already, coming over every now and then to collect his stuff for storage to be moved into another place in the future. I don't want to be cliche, but I never thought this would happen. Separation and divorce in families, but I never thought something like this would happen with mine. While picking up my brother from his basketball practice, I was listening to a song of Coldplay's called "Don't Panic", and the chorus consists of the lines "we live in a beautiful world/yeah we do, yeah we do/" I was singing along but then I started thinking and I realized that at the moment, I'm not living in a beautiful world.
What makes the world beautiful are friends, families, and the things you do that help to make the world and your life beautiful. I realize that since New Year's Day, things around me and myself personally have changed drastically. On december 31st, I had no idea that there was a large amount of conflict that I knew nothing of, which I know about now that my mom has been working on the stuff for a legal break-taking, along with the moving, and my dad coming over to pack his things. I know that none of it was my fault, I think this is supposed to happen, even though I don't want it to.  I feel like most times I'm happy, but I feel like  it's an emotion I need to have in order to not think about what's happening too much and also because other people need to see a smile and not a frown unless I'm confused or flustered about something or other. Most of the time I feel like my main two emotions are frustration and anger because this is all happening to me, my siblings, and my parents. And I don't know how to cope at times. It's not major depression like I used to have but I think it's mostly intense sadness that's been happening. Everyone feels it at the moment. I do have support so that's working out all right. As long as I have someone to talk to about how I'm really feeling I usually end up fine. I wasn't able to actually release emotionally, which is a coping mechanism I used when my older sister was getting married. But I listened to the song "This Is Me" from The Greatest Showman, and it loosened up tears that were all tightened up. I've been crying more which is a sign of release but this isn't going to be an easy transition for any of us.




I hope I'm not spoiling the movie for people who haven't seen The Greatest Showman yet, but I think this is the most powerful song to come from a movie musical like this.

Thanks for reading/watching, and happy thursday!

Monday 10/03/17

I know I haven't posted anything much on this blog cause I've been focused on my other one more. I've kinda been trying to shape it up a little more cause before it was disorganized like writing wise and topic wise. Now I've been able to work on my writing and making things a bit more organized in the area of topics. Speaking of topics, let's talk about the mind, mine especially. Today I have felt all over the place mood wise. One thing that has been able to help me understand myself more psychologically is something from Doctor Who, actually. Not a tv episode but an audio one. (And yes before you ask, they make those too.) It's called "Caerdroia", from the 8th Doctor's adventures in the Divergent Universe after the whole Zagreus thing goes down (if you want to know more it's mentioned in my other blog but I'm getting off the subject).

 In this weirdly named episode the Doctor ends up getting split into 3 different parts of his personality and what makes him, him: a ditzy giddy one, an incredibly snarky one and then the third Doctor is just the normal one with the two incarnate personalities combined. Going through depression, I sometimes have good days where I find myself laughing and being silly, like the Ditzy Doctor. Other days when daily stresses and the depression combine and make a double threat and decide to pounce I find that I've become basically like the Snarky Doctor. Although both personalities were unbearable and interesting to get to know in some way in the episode, in the end they were used to get to the solution, which was finding the TARDIS that happened to be in the center of the labyrinth, whereupon all 3 combined and everything was right again. What's interesting about this episode is that the title of the episode, "Caerdroia", happens to mean 'fortress of turns' which is basically synonymous with the word "labyrinth".

 Being the kind of person that I am (who happens to be very visual with the way I think and talk) I kinda picture my whole emotional situation as a kind of 'fortress of turns' and I haven't gotten to the TARDIS yet (the moment of clarifying balance where I'm finally myself and at peace) and I'm still trying to find my way towards the end of the maze. It's a weird analogy I know, but it kinda helps me see things more clearly actually. Sometimes I feel close to the end but other days I feel like I keep getting stuck in the dead ends only continuing to feel more defeated as I wonder what is wrong with me since I can't seem to find an easy way out. Nothing is wrong with me. My self grievance happens to be a side effect of depression. And I know that I am talking about Doctor Who in my non-geek blog but sometimes I feel like I can keep myself pretty well translated when I talk about it or quote it (much to the chagrin of my siblings). But I think as long as we're able to find a way to help ourselves be understood by others it's pretty much on the right track. I'm not exactly out of the labyrinth yet, but I'm close, and that's pretty much what counts to me. Sometimes I feel like there are people who know they're strong and then there are others who have to kind of look for the feeling of strength. I kinda feel like I'm still looking for mine. I will eventually, it's going to take some time. And I'm willing to wait for it.


Thanks for reading, and happy monday, guys!!

Tuesday 10/03/17

Given the awful events of saturday night, I will say this: This beautiful rock we call home sucks at times. Sure we weren't designed to have such tragedy happen like this, but to go further and say a bunch of soft happy stuff such as that would be shorting my way through a blog post. Sometimes, though, humanity is strong. I just saw The Zookeeper's Wife and it was a VERY strong testament to what good people can do in the darkest times. But other times, humans decide to act out and hurt others like what happened in Las Vegas. I'm not pardoning the shooter in any way. But as long as we remember the "pile of good things", those black days might not seem so hard to get through. One thing humanity can always be credited for is toughing it out. It won't happen as fast as we want to, because sadly, there were casualties, and as far as I know, they seem to be rising count wise. One thing about grief that I wil say is that it's a process.

It's hard to wake up cause The Realization only hits you in the chest, making you feel more awful than ever before. But as long you just take the steps required to just keep going, you will come out stronger, but different. It's not the different we want to be, but grief does that. It makes who you used to be vacate the premesis only to be replaced with a harder, and more sad version of yourself who you had no idea was coming. But as long as we remember just how kind the world can be, we will all trudge through this devastation, learn how to clean things up, and start what we need to do in order to keep these sorts of things from happening. Being a christian, I acknowlegde that death isn't going away until God decides to come back, but if there is a way of making less death happen, then I'm all for it.

I thought this clip fit because above all, one of the most important things that humanity can do for each other is kindness. We should all try to remember that. And I think that once we do, we'll REALLY get the ball rolling on what needs to be bettered.

Thanks for reading, and happy tuesday, guys!!!