July 2020

Decisions are hard. I really understand what the Doctor was saying when he said that sometimes the only decisions that are available to make are bad ones, but there's still the matter of choosing. I understood that quote on a deep level: take for instance, when Alan Turing built the machine that decoded the German's Enigma codes. In the movie adaptation of Alan's life, they decoded a message about a ship full of civilians and soldiers being bombed that day, but the problem was was they couldn't alert anyone to what they had decoded because they didn't want the Germans to know that their message had been translated. The ramifications of choosing between life and death weighs heavier on the soul than most decisions and choices that we make in life. I didn't have to weigh between which lives are worth saving and which ones are not. Not now, anyway. I simply had to choose whether or not I wanted to go overseas this year for my junior year of college. For many who have gone before, this opportunity offers growth in an area of the world that's very unfamiliar, and other opportunities like learning another language and getting to know the people in a community with traditions that are their own which are there for outsiders to learn about. To have the chance to get to do something like that is what I've wanted to do my whole life. Growing up I just felt like I didn't belong in small places and that I was supposed to do more. I have been exploring that at my school at minnesota, and sometimes coming home after break I felt like I was better suited to a big diverse city like Minneapolis. Being evacuated in early march because of covid, I had to adjust to being back home sooner than I thought was going to happen, but sometimes life happens and pulls the rug out from under you, which also happens to throw off anything you might have planned in your calendar. For the most part, I feel relief, because in talking to friends and family, all have told me that it's a good idea to stave off my plans and work on finding other ways to keep life happening for me this year. When it comes to other emotions, I feel sad, and disappointed because I feel like I didn't do enough to help me get to my goal of what I wanted to do. But the feeling of not doing enough in my life to be successful has been a constant companion, borne from past parental relationships and mindsets that I kept to survive in hard circumstances. This time I think, will be a respite to work on trusting God and having faith that everything is supposed to work out the way it's supposed to. Not my will but His alone, right? I have tears to shed and time to think about how I can take these next couple of months to get closer with family, continue the work I've been doing in counseling, and the beginnings of the foundation of my future and what the next few years will look like for me. Please be praying that I figure out ways to be vulnerable with others about how I feel in this time, and that I also learn how to vulnerable with God during this hard time. It's difficult to lay something like this down before His feet and surrender, but I think it's something I've been needing to learn the meaning of for a long time. If anything, this is what gives me comfort; the fact that even though it hurts to make this kind of decision and stay in a familiar place even when I long to be somewhere I've never been before, here's what I do know: that God is not disappointed in me and never will be. This also gives me comfort as well, and if you're having a bad time of things yourself, I hope this helps where needed.

Thanks so much for reading guys, and happy friday!

May 2020

A hundred or so years ago, the First World War happened. Ironically, it was a situation that started with a murder, creating a chain reaction that then spiraled, that included multiple nations getting involved, and things got so crazy that people wondered if the war was going to end, or if the world was going to end before that. Fast forward to the year 2020, and things have spiraled once again, beginning with the recorded murder of Ahmaud Arbery, that surfaced in March even though it happened in February, and most recently, a second recorded murder of another black man named George Floyd, this time by a police officer, even though George was not resisting arrest. Even now, there have been peaceful protesters in Minneapolis which is where George was from, but there have also been rioters who are ravaging the city that I called home for two years. And lately, I’m starting to wonder the same thing that everyone else was a hundred or so years ago: will the world end first before the madness does? Another question I must ask: what kind of legacy are we focused on having as a whole? Our history is one that is flawed, because everyone is flawed. But history must be acknowledged so that the same mistakes don’t happened again. We shouldn’t just acknowledge it, but then still repeat it, hoping to give it a different name.

 I fear for the children of our future. Will they be sitting in class one day and be shown the murders caught on video, of people destroying and burning down an entire city, and all they’ll feel is shame that we stooped so low but chose to stay there? Or will they see that disturbing archival footage and decide “never again”? We have a responsibility; a duty of care if you will. We must care for each other, no matter what race or skin color someone else is. No one deserves to be treated differently by anyone else, police officer or no. Lin Manuel Miranda defines the word “legacy” perfectly: planting seeds in a garden you never get to see. Being stewards of this “garden”, we must take care. Are we going to generate shame and fear years from now because of past actions, or are we going to get our crap together, and sit down and talk? I hope it’s the second option, because it’s time to start talking about change but doing it productively. In times of crisis, it doesn’t make sense that beautiful things and people deserve to be burned, or torn down, or killed. That’s not how asking for change works. Change isn’t repetition, it’s making a difference. Before it’s too late, I hope we realize that before Minneapolis is turned into another version of No Man’s Land. Please, for all of our sakes, choose change. Do it and someone else will follow the example. Maybe then we can start making different decisions and learn from them.

04/08/20: Update

Hey guys,
It's been a while. I know, I know. Haven't posted anything since new year's. And I take full responsibility for it, things happened, like going back to school after christmas break and getting back into routine, and focusing on my relationship on top of everything else which needed moments of hard talks but fortunately we've been great by the way, and oh yeah, the virus. (Yes, there is passive aggression, sorry). Since I got evacuated from school because of the virus, it's been a transition from a familiar environment and a fixed schedule to online school in a familiar environment surrounded by unfamiliar and somewhat stressful events. Oh, and I've also been doing counseling again. I'm somewhat happy about it and somewhat bummed, because most times I've done counseling I always end up leaving with a diagnosis of some kind. This time it was certified PTSD (and/or PTS if you want to be technically politically correct). Also mild depression on top of that. I figured as much about that one, though. I used to have basic depression, and I've done a lot of work to move on from that part of it, but I still have bad days, which are highlighted by good ones. Honestly, it's hard to be diagnosed with different things when you just want to be some form of healthy human being. I figured I had some form of PTSD after talking about it with my mom in depth, so I wasn't surprised when I was told that I had it by a professional, but it also meant that there was a part of me that was broken that needed to be fixed. I mean obviously there are people who always have a broken piece or two that they either live with or get fixed. I choose to fix my broken as much as possible so that I can move on and make better memories after having the past couple of years be somewhat shaded by sad moments. It's going to be a journey for sure, but it'll be one that's rewarding in the end, even if there are moments where things need to come up to the surface that are too painful to think about, and believe me I have some of those, not afraid to admit it. But I have hope, despite all the crazy that's going on in the world at the moment. Will I press through? Yes I will. Having to write about this stuff again reminds me of that post I made about the Doctor Who episode "Caerdroia". I feel like I got to the right place, but it also feels like I have a long way to go still when it comes to talking things out and healing. All I'm hoping for is the strength to confront all that happened and all that might be buried deep and break through and come out the other side a better and stronger person. Now that I think about it, watching the latest series of Doctor Who has helped me have something to relate to. The last episode of series 12, the doctor finds out that she's an entirely different species than she thought, and that the time lords (aliens that she thought she belonged to) took a lot from her and left a good space of her mind blank because of it. I think that's the best way that I can describe PTSD for myself: there's history and scars, but not all of it is accessible, and it's going to take a lot of work to uncover as much as possible and work through it so that I'm able to do the healing that's needed. Honestly I figure much of the work will look something like this:

Anyhoo, thanks for reading! I hope to write some more on this blog given that I have the time to do a little more of it now! 

Until next time, then!

New Year's Eve 12/31/19

As the clock continues to move towards midnight and the start of a new year, I have been thinking about the past year and a half and how things have changed so drastically for my life, both at school and at home. At school, roommates have moved around, and some have left. I'm still figuring out my friend group as sophomore year has given me the ability to be friendly with people and carry mealtime conversations, but as far as having a friend group goes, I'm still working on it. I've had some scrapes, a few frustrations, and a breakdown here and there, but I've managed to work through all of that stuff. There was also the hurdle that was my parent's divorce that I had to get through, but being at school in minnesota where I had the privilege of daily interaction with healthy role models and spiritually healthy peers helped soothe the wounds that had been left in the aftermath as I was struggling with feelings of abandonment, rejection, and anger. It's also surprised me in terms of relationships: in the past few months, I have been given the blessing of someone who I wasn't expecting to come this early: a boyfriend, which daily continues to be a surprise in of itself. I honestly didn't think it was in the cards this year as it's been a tough year and a half, but we've managed to hold each other up through the weeks of school and required events, surprisingly. What's nice is that we know what we're like when under pressure (finals, and all that jazz). It's also pretty amazing to have another half that balances me out so well, cause I know that I'm a feisty person, but he's able to cope with the feisty which even though it's surprising, it's really kinda nice. Other things that I've been learning this year is that it's good to slow down, underline the deep important lines in books or in my devotions or even when I'm reading a book for fun, and remember to just keep looking back at the lines of scripture or wisdom that impacted me and how it can apply to daily life. Because for a good part of my life, I was so focused on surviving that I never really got an opportunity to slow down and really think about things that stood out to me that could be used as applicable advice later. I've also had to relearn a few things, especially in my relationship with God. Because to be honest, my life was so up and down, that I spent a lot of time being back and forth with believing and actually trying to be a christian. There'd be a good period, and things would be fine in terms of my walk, but then there'd be a snag that'd last a couple years and I'd just start floundering. This pattern continued for a few years, and I got sick and tired of it. It took some journaling during a time of prayer and focus that got me to understand the big picture, and since then I've been trying to remain constant, while trying to listen for His voice, which I do hear sometimes. Not all religious walks are perfect, least of all mine, but I'm working on it, and it's really just one day, one prayer, and one listening session at a time. Are there things I'd like to grow in this year? I'd like to learn how to be more of a significant other, and work on areas that I might be lacking in, but there's patience and growing room, which I will be forever grateful for. I'd like to have better relationships with my younger siblings, as they've been going through the worst of the divorce, since me a couple of my other siblings who are slightly older than my two little sisters were old enough to be "legally emancipated" from all the proceedings with custody and parenting plans. Obviously I'm going to try and stay in shape, and not let any future papers or assignments get me freaked out easily. There are going to be some more upcoming challenges in the next year, but I'm strong enough to get through them, with a little help when I need it. And another thing that I want to improve in is asking for help and communicating with others in the right time frame so that I'm not leaving anyone in the dark until the last possible second. There will be mistakes, and there will be times where I've forgotten the promises that I'm trying to make to myself in order to be better, but there's also something else that I'm working on improving: patience, and forgiving myself, day by day. It'll be a process, but hey, what isn't in this crazy toss around called life? Anyway, sorry that the first time that I'm posting any new material is tonight, cause I know that some of you have been waiting for new material, but it's been a year, and I'm not making any promises, but I'm planning on writing for my blog while trying to write my papers.

Thanks for reading!

A former roommate showed me this song and it kinda reminds me of what the past year and a half has been like for me, and I wanted to share it. 

Spring 2019 update (that's just a year too late, sorry!)

Welp. Been a long time, hasn't it. But then again, college kinda takes all the time that you have and fills every second with homework, classes, papers, and all that jazz. In terms of an update, where do I start? Let's see: moved to a new school in a new state, with new people, a new schedule, basically new everything. Every day of every week is pretty packed: I have classes from 8-noon on Monday, class from 9-noon on Tuesday, classes on Wednesday that are about an hour each, and then on Tuesdays and Fridays I have chapel which goes from about 150 in the afternoon to 2 in the afternoon.  Then on top of that, I have a job that helps pay tuition that I'm required to spend several hours doing during the week, not to mention the required fitness sessions, church (which hasn't been bad, honestly), and outreach, but since mine is on Sundays, I don't have much to worry about on that end. How am I doing, you may ask? It's been a process, for sure. My parents have been going through the court system while finalizing their divorce about custody and all that. It sucks, but I think it sucks less on my end because I'm finally far enough away from the madness to not be as bothered by it anymore. There are days where I do miss my dad, though. I miss the "bigger than me" of it, actually. When someone you love is bigger than you in terms of height, stature and build, you realize just how comforting that is and how you can take it for granted. but anyway, while I've been here, I've made friends, opened up about past and present wounds, the scars that are still healing, and the scars that refuse to heal. And being open hurts, but it ends up doing a lot of good in the end. There have been a couple rough snags recently, as I've been discovering that I might need to reevaluate some relationships that I've been in this semester so that I can find a way to be healthy mentally and spiritually. I feel that I've transitioned into a whole other place than I was emotionally recently. Not going to go into details, but all I can say is that sometimes you think that something might work out but then something happens and you're thrown for a loop-the-loop or just a particularly sharp turn.


But it has helped me put things into perspective a bit. I'm realizing that I have a lot of maturing to do in the area of love, as I don't really know what that is, really. I thought I knew what it was (like every kid does when they look at their parents), but due to certain recent circumstances, I'm finding that I'm very clueless about it all, as any person would be due to their parents marriage ending a different way than the kid initially thought it would. But I've come to realize something: I got so focused on the love that people can give, that I forgot to focus on the love that God Himself gives. I think this is something that every day believers can forget a lot, if that's not too crazy of an idea. Yesterday, I was watching The Gospel of John (for school purposes, although it wasn't assigned), because I thought I could get some good notes on it. And boy, did I ever. The movie was word-for-word of the readable version, and when it got to chapter 17 when Jesus was praying for His disciples before being arrested and dying in the cruelest way possible, I was just floored by the way He was praying for them. It kinda helped me see that part of love where you care for someone so much that it's to the point where it's above your own needs, and I just couldn't believe it. As I think about it, love is really so big a concept that it can't really be condensed into just one version. Sure, there might be some people out there who are reading this and thinking "duh, OF COURSE love is a bigger concept that it's perceived to be by humanity" but I think I'm still learning the basics of it. I know that love is patient, love is kind, yeah. But I didn't really know, you know? When you're a kid memorizing bible verses in Sunday school or memorizing them because your mom wants you to, you don't really think about the depth of them.

You're just memorizing them because you know that on a couple levels on intellect that they're important, but you don't end up realizing just how capital "I" important they really are until you have a big "aha!" moment, and realize. Not to get all theological or anything, but it's just such a "wow" factor for me right now. What's also funny is that you never really listen to certain lyrics of certain songs until you're really ready to understand. The bridge part of this song is something that I've been starting to really pay attention to: "I see what I made in your mother's womb/I see the day I fell in love with you/I see your tomorrows, nothing left to chance/I see my father's fingerprints". Listening to this song before, I was like, "this is so encouraging." But now that I'm listening to this song now after having listened to it for so long I'm thinking "this may be a christian artist who's singing a song that Jesus might say and think about us, but I think that Jesus actually says this." I just haven't really actually listened till now. The second half of the bridge is what really gets me: "You see the struggle, you see the shame/I see the reason I came". Which actually is making me realize that I've been caring so much about the struggle of being on my own as well as dealing with stuff that's happening at home and the shame of not being as whole as I'd like to be spiritually and emotionally, that I've actually forgotten about the love that Jesus has for me. It's a stupid thing to do, but doesn't it happen to everyone now and then? There's not a lot of time that a college student can take to slow down, take a breather and listen, but sometimes there are moments of  peace that can be grabbed now and then, sometimes in a nap, being alone for a bit, or listening to music that really grab you and give you hope that things will clear up eventually. I'm on the road to recovery, and although I'm getting closer to the endpoint, I have a ways to go, so if you guys could just keep me in your prayers it would be appreciated. Sometimes I screw up and forget the monumental love for me that exists, and I'll own that, being human and all. But I think things are gonna turn around for me, just not right now. I've posted the song for those of you who are discouraged or feeling like you might be starting to forget, too, in case you need a reminder. Thanks for putting up with the lengthy post, and happy Sunday!

I'll follow up with a post about how things at school have been soon, I promise. I'll make time and also learn to manage time a bit better so I can come back to writing for this. 

Wednesday 07/18/18

Hey guys, it's me, finally writing from my other blog that isn't the geeky one that I seem to post more stuff on than this one (which I am slowly starting to work on remedying so just bear with me). Only reason why I haven't been writing, and it's a very legitimate reason, is because my two jobs have been very demanding when it comes to the hours I'm expected to work. Well, at least the BBQ place I feel has that expectation. The other place, which is an ice cream parlor is kinda a bit more relaxed. Recently, my schedule has opened up a bit and I now have a couple more days off which I am working to fix with finding another job which sounds exhausting, but my mom wants me to have enough money saved up for when I need to go shopping for the necessary stuff while I'm at school. Oh, and I also got accepted to a college in Minnesota recently, so I'm starting on the basic stuff, finishing the extra application bits, working on the obnoxious tax paperwork, and going through clothes and seeing what still fits, what's too small, what might have too many holes, that kind of thing. I leave for school in mid august so I'm just now beginning to feel the nerves setting in.

 College will be a great step outward for me, but it'll also be something diffult to adjust to as I will be on my own, in a different state, for longer than a couple months. I was able to handle 4 months working at a summer camp, but going to college in a different state for four years will be a challenge. I will find the niche that I'll belong in eventually, and it's not hard for me to make friends, so that's a definite comfort. And just to let you know, stuff at home is doing pretty decent. My mom is figuring out custody stuff which I don't have to deal with since I'm almost 20 which makes me legally "emancipated" from all this legal jargon and whatnot. I finally figured out what it is that I want to do for my 20th birthday, which I'm hoping will be a monumental one as the past couple of birthdays have been slightly lackluster (ok, they've been way more than a little lackluster). I'm planning on doing on doing a little exploring without a schedule and then going to a play. Seeing something live on stage on special trips kinda helps me cement the memories and keep them as unforgettable as possible. I mean, the first actual "big-deal" play that I ever went to was War Horse with the puppets and although some of it is fuzzy now that I think about it I've still managed to remember what seeing that play felt like. Plus whenever I see a stage production it renews my vigor in wanting to get more involved in theater in the near future. Getting so close to college and starting this new chapter in my life makes me think of this song from the short Broadway run of "Amelie" with Phillipa Soo, who used to play Eliza Hamilton in Hamilton, and it's just so hopeful and it talks about new beginnings and a life getting to finally begin.

Whenever I listen to it I always think of what I have coming up this year and even though I am nervous I am also excited about what the upcoming months and the upcoming new year could have in store for me to discover about myself and what will be my new home for a couple years.

Thanks for reading and listening, and happy wednesday!

01/31/18 Thursday

I am going to be honest with you guys. Things might seem to be more on the up-and-up for me lately, but that's not exactly true. Not that I was expecting that you automatically assume that bloggers have a pretty perfect life (I don't think they do, except for the lady who writes the Cake Wrecks and Epbot blogs.) Lately, I've been feeling a sense of not getting a lot accomplished, as well as feeling lonely. I have been trying to get out there more and hang out with people my age, but that's hard to do when anyone that's my age is in school, working, and doing who else knows what. I'm feeling not very well accomplished because my younger sister is gone at her second allstate choir thing in about two weekends and I'm over here working, driving people back and forth, and not doing anything very extraordinary.
Please bear with me here, because I'm gonna get as honest as I can on the internet with this sort of thing. I'm going to phrase this as a "family difficulty" because that's the best term that I have for it. To say it that way though is like using a super polite word to explain something that you just want to keep secret. I have talked about it with family and a couple of friends, so it's not like I'm suffering in silence, but here goes: my parents are going through the process of taking a break and getting space, and because of some frustrations that have come up, it's become likely that the break will be a permanent one. How am I doing with this? I'm not exactly like screaming and weeping, but there's a lot of anger and frustration at how things are being handled sometimes. My siblings and I are going to be moving with my mom and my dad is out of the house already, coming over every now and then to collect his stuff for storage to be moved into another place in the future. I don't want to be cliche, but I never thought this would happen. Separation and divorce in families, but I never thought something like this would happen with mine. While picking up my brother from his basketball practice, I was listening to a song of Coldplay's called "Don't Panic", and the chorus consists of the lines "we live in a beautiful world/yeah we do, yeah we do/" I was singing along but then I started thinking and I realized that at the moment, I'm not living in a beautiful world.
What makes the world beautiful are friends, families, and the things you do that help to make the world and your life beautiful. I realize that since New Year's Day, things around me and myself personally have changed drastically. On december 31st, I had no idea that there was a large amount of conflict that I knew nothing of, which I know about now that my mom has been working on the stuff for a legal break-taking, along with the moving, and my dad coming over to pack his things. I know that none of it was my fault, I think this is supposed to happen, even though I don't want it to.  I feel like most times I'm happy, but I feel like  it's an emotion I need to have in order to not think about what's happening too much and also because other people need to see a smile and not a frown unless I'm confused or flustered about something or other. Most of the time I feel like my main two emotions are frustration and anger because this is all happening to me, my siblings, and my parents. And I don't know how to cope at times. It's not major depression like I used to have but I think it's mostly intense sadness that's been happening. Everyone feels it at the moment. I do have support so that's working out all right. As long as I have someone to talk to about how I'm really feeling I usually end up fine. I wasn't able to actually release emotionally, which is a coping mechanism I used when my older sister was getting married. But I listened to the song "This Is Me" from The Greatest Showman, and it loosened up tears that were all tightened up. I've been crying more which is a sign of release but this isn't going to be an easy transition for any of us.




I hope I'm not spoiling the movie for people who haven't seen The Greatest Showman yet, but I think this is the most powerful song to come from a movie musical like this.

Thanks for reading/watching, and happy thursday!