Sorry I haven't been able to update you for the past two months. I relocated to texas for a couple years to complete an associates in Early Childhood Education online, as well as continue to learn ASL (American Sign Language), and on top of that I'm a full-time nanny to a couple and their first child (so exciting!). This is also another update post about me. I need to tell you something. I know that blogs are usually for people telling others about things that happen, but I just need you to listen for a sec. The butterflies are swirling in my stomach as I write this, but I'm going to press on. I have changed my pronouns, and they are "she/they". I don't find myself non-binary because I identify as a girl and/or woman. However, my life has been one where self-development hasn't had much time to begin let alone happen, so to try to sort things out, I have decided to go with "she/they" for now because this offers me space to breathe, figure out who I am, and begin building. Life is about learning about who you are, and this is the best way I know how for myself so that things can start to make sense a little more. I also feel that there's just so much me, and so much potential with that, that it can't exactly be fit into one word.
So I'm saying that I identify as a cis female. In terms of where sexuality is concerned, that makes me cishet (cisgender, heterosexual). How do I feel about this announcement and self-realization? Nervous, but there's a layer of calm and peace about it if you can believe it. Talking about it in a public platform like this is nerve-wracking, but I want to be honest with myself as well as with you guys, and this is also where I start accepting who I am and that development and growth will start and that it will be good, even in the hard bits. Now I'm not going to be tetchy with the "they" thing; you can keep calling me "she" or "her". The word "they" is mostly for me because that word means there's a building space, and there's room for growth and exploration and development. The funny thing is, I've been thinking about this quite a bit, especially today. I know that I'm a person, with a name, with family and friends, and a history, but for me, I feel in terms of personal growth, things still feel quite blank, like I'm still figuring out who I am, like a blog post that's still under writing construction, to put it mildly. Let's put it like this: I don't prefer to think of myself as a filing cabinet with sharp corners and drawers where things are separated and categorized; I'd rather like to think of myself as more of a rolodex: things are together and not separate, but they're all together and still categorized, and rather in a circle instead of that of a rectangular file cabinet. Feel free to talk to me about what I'm saying in this post, I'm still figuring all this out as I just decided this today. Nothing about me will change, but I think today marks the start of something that I think will end up being really, really good.
I know. Haven't posted much. There's been.....a LOT that's happened that's kept me busy and preoccupied (sometimes not in the best ways, but more on that later). When it comes to the breakup, I'm doing better. Still have bad days, but they're usually not about that anymore which I think is a good sign. Been doing family counseling and it's been working wonders for the possibility of things being able to be stitched back together. But man, oh man. It's been a year. For everyone, I think (which is a pretty obvious statement to make but anyway). I'm rambling a bit, but I'm hoping that anyone who reads this blog is happy to read *almost* anything I churn out, even if it's just rambling. When it comes to music, it's my go-to for basically any and every situation: roadtrips, short car trips, while I'm taking a shower, while doing chores; just anytime and anywhere I usually have music with me.
Sometimes music is also the only way I can cope or hang on during crazy situations where I feel like I'm hanging onto the thin thread hanging between breaking completely and not breaking completely, and sometimes there are cracks that show up. I've been in the process of accepting some, but also working on finding ways to heal others. My music taste is definitely everywhere; sometimes I'm in the mood for pop, or alternative rock, chill tunes, or sometimes sad stuff. I was in the Sad Stuff Phase for a bit, but I'm coming out of it slowly but surely. One song that's been resonating with me lately is "Hyperballad", a song by an artist by the name of Bjork. Well I'm listening to a cover of her song, mostly because acoustic anything has just been a thing for me since last year. What the song talks about is doing something dangerous like throwing things off a cliff when things feel "too safe" and doing something dangerous just feels good to do for some reason.
Admittedly, the song is a *bit* morbid, but I'm just that kind of person who kinda likes that sometimes. People have hard times and are able to put it into song or through a poem, which then voices what the listener or reader is unable to say themselves. I honestly like this song because although it may be just a bit dark in terms of theme, I find that analogy of throwing stuff off a cliff to decompress and also detox pretty apropos. I've had a lot to deal with last year, and there has been stuff to deal with this year; particularly guilt connected to my childhood and how I acted, emotions towards my dad, dysfunctional family situations, that kind of thing. Sometimes people need to do something physical in order to deal with a situation, but it's also possible for people to picture finding solutions to problems or navigating difficult emotional processes in a different way so that they can make it easier for themselves to understand. When it comes to navigating being diagnosed with different things (like depression and PTSD), I've used easy things so that I can understand them better and then figure out how to work on overcoming both, which I haven't done all the way yet, that's still a work in progress. I pictured depression as losing what made me balanced, and what I lost was put in the center of a maze, and I had to work to get that back, but sometimes depression left me split into different parts of who I was: irritability, normal, and over-the-top happiness (on days that I thought were good but actually were not).
PTSD I pictured as having memories that were blocked, but the ones that weren't were accepted as part of me, and I've come to accept my history is mine and that there's more of me to unlock and accept. It's also breaking out of the construct of pain, fear, hurt and lies that may have been told to me or that I've told myself in order to keep going and survive the day. In terms of the song "Hyperballad", the picture of finding stuff to throw off a cliff is actually not a bad idea to adopt (at least in terms of making things easier to understand). Letting go of toxic situations, things that were done to you mentally, emotionally or even physically is hard. The idea of even letting go of it is preposterous as sometimes it's such a deep wound there are days where you wonder if you're actually going to heal or if you'll just be broken and suffering in silence for the rest of your life.
Going on a hike is hard, especially if it's up a mountain. But if there's a destination or something to do once you get to the top, you have a goal. Which makes coming down off that mountain easier to bear, because there's always the rest of the day to look forward to, and everything that you were worried about or dealing with before is either in the back of your mind, not being given any attention, or even gone entirely. I know it's not the most elegant concept, but listening to the song on repeat kinda gives me a weird sense of hope. Throwing stuff off a cliff and watching it break on the rocks isn't the most elegant of pictures. If we're being honest, broken stuff is always something we find chaotic, painful, and ugly even. But I don't find it difficult to picture myself throwing stuff off a mountain cliff. It's physical objects, yeah. But if they represent something (guilt, self-blame/hatred, depression, anger, etc.), the idea of that stuff being breakable makes me feel stronger in a way. It means there's hope that one day the last thing will be thrown off that mountain cliff, pieces will fly, but I'll be free and ready to meet the rest of the day and all the hope and potential that's in it. The trip down from the mountain cliff means the possibility of something new, and starting the day without anything dark that used to hold you back. That's just the way I see it, anyway. The work is definitely not pretty, it does cause pain and tears at times, but if it means that being broken now means being completely fixed later, then I say that the journey is completely worth it in the end.
I know that this was a LOT of rambling, but I decided to include the song cover in my post. I will listen to the actual song eventually but for some reason this guy's voice combined with an acoustic guitar is REALLY nice to listen to for some reason (especially in stressful situations).
Thanks for reading, and happy tuesday! I'll make sure to post more stuff on this blog this year as much as I can!
It's been a hard year for everyone, what with theaters, restaurants, and things we were used to being a part of shut down, causing us all to think, reflect, and just learn to live through every day, no matter how rough every second happened to be. It's been especially hard I think for those who may have depression/anxiety/PTSD/working through any and all kind of trauma, as we just wanted to keep what we were used to doing as a routine, but sadly life cannot always be this way. To make matters worse, anxiety and stress increases once every four years, when the presidential election hits. Granted, tensions were already high, after protests and civil unrest became more prevalent after the police-involved murders of Ahmaud Arbery, George Floyd, and Breonna Taylor, to name a few. It's been most difficult for me considering I lived in Minneapolis (where George Floyd's murder happened) for two years, so any and all friends that lived in Minneapolis where protests were the hottest stressed me out for several months as I was very worried for their safety. With the election at a close tie between candidates Joe Biden and Donald Trump, the pressure to "make your voice heard" by voting has been as intense as it always gets, flooding social media, filling the feeds of anyone who may have an instagram account, or facebook page, whether it be generated by the social media platform itself, or ads, or the implorings of famous celebrities. For someone who's trying to learn how to keep my brain in one place, it's exhausting trying to look at what I came on social media for without having all the voting ads being pushed in my face when I didn't ask for it. It's not that any of us seek approval because of who we voted for; for I know that many people are just fine with who they support when it comes to political leaders, opposing criticism be damned. But there are some of us who are just looking for equal ground when it comes to the subject of politics. Granted, it's a slippery slope as it can devolve into a heated debate rather quickly.
As many things that we have depended on for years (movies, performing arts, etc.,) have ground to a halt, things like the pandemic and the resulting quarantine we all were under (and probably still under for some places overseas), relationships between family and loved ones has become a rather more important priority for those who have had to get used to different this year. As the political race for who the next president will be picked up speed and then started up over the past couple of months, there's been division once again between friends and colleagues, family and friends. I can't speak for everyone who's been struggling with any sort of mental illness this year, but sometimes, division is something that can cause trauma, especially if it happens right away, or it's something that's been happening for a long time (i.e., biological children being ignored by parents, or parents fighting/having many discussions, which usually ends up in divorce). After going through something like that and trying to find equal ground again, all that some of us want is a semblance of normalcy in the relationships we cultivate in the present, where we try to move on and discover for ourselves what a healthy relationship is like, whether it be with a parent, sibling, a romantic relationship, you name it. Further division for those of us who want normalcy for a few seconds isn't helping our mental situation; it only makes the labyrinth of our lives more difficult to navigate as obstacles that weren't there before start to show up, possibly caused by triggers of certain traumas from years or months ago.
I'll put it bluntly: 2020 has not been a year where awareness and sensitivity of others has not flourished. Sometimes tensions rise after months in lockdown, stuck in one place, when all the human race has been used to for millennia has always been going somewhere else and not staying in one place for long. Being stuck in one place for two and a half months makes things harder for people struggling with mental illness to process, especially if they want to make themselves understood, and if that happens, it makes it harder to ask for help. It's tragic that after people went into quarantine when covid began in march, depression rates began to rise, as isolation, when we wanted company and people around us, was given as a mandate for everyone to be under. Some of us have managed to find ways to process (journal writing, therapy/counseling, listening to music, just going outside, mindfulness walks, etc.). Sometimes we may have many ways to process at our fingertips, but sometimes it may not be exactly what we need because a certain resource may be limited or shut down because of current circumstances.
When voting, there isn't hope for approval just because of who you pick. It's the disapproval/disagreements/heated discussions that spring because of who you voted for that's especially hard on someone who may be depressed, working through a trauma, or who has PTSD. Relationships that they could count on before get shaken up with reactionary words like "disappointed/shocked" and even "why would you vote for them?" which is unhelpful for someone who's just trying to make their own decisions, and when coming up against judgement on the decisions that they make, it's confusing and frustrating, and it makes them wonder if they can do anything right, and makes them question if they're allowed to have their own decision that won't spark disappointment or other reactions like shock at who a person voted for. Take time to listen now, questions about "why" come later. Listening to each other so that agreements and/or relationship work can be done is so important, especially in times like these. If we're going to get through the rest of this year, listening and taking the time out to understand and be understood is imperative so that we're all closer and united, despite differences in political leanings and the like.
Not gonna lie. This week has not been easy. A dysfunctional family is something that is unsettling to everyone, and eventually you learn to roll with the punches. But then things continued their downward spiral as one day this week I got a phone call that let me know that some things weren't going to be the same and that my heart wasn't going to feel safe and secure as it has been for several months. The past few days I have been raw, angry, saddened, and any normal day has the slightest tinge of gray to it. I'm going to admit that I haven't been my best self. When something abrupt and awful happens to you, you sometimes want to break everything and scream until you have no voice left and all you have are tears to release. When I was told by someone very special in my life that things weren't going to continue to be the same between us, I felt an earthquake beginning in my feet, which traveled upwards, spreading to my hands, my head. My heart jumped into my throat as I realized that a day once dreaded had actually come after months of security and happiness. My world came crashing down around me, then built itself back up again in some kind of grotesque rewind scenario. Living day to day when it feels like only half your heart is beating and you no longer feel it as well as you used to is hard. Everyday routines are boring somehow, but frustrating at the same time. You feel like you're owed better, but maybe, a voice whispers, you're not. Because what you had was maybe what you deserved. Sometimes I feel like I deserve things because of the fact that I exist. What's been making these past couple of days bearable is that I am beginning to seek advice, and I am beginning to voice my frustrations, my anger, and some fears and insecurities going forward into this slightly less predictable future. At one point in time, I had things planned out. I thought I was heading for that moment of happily ever after, but sometimes books that have that triumphant moment still have that chapter and a half to go where everything plunges back into chaos, and just when our favorite tv/movie protagonist has saved the day and you think things are going to be happy for more than a few minutes, something incredibly tragic happens and you have the rug ripped out from under you. But I think it's only when you begin to address the loss and you're able to grieve it properly, do you begin the process of letting go. Given that it happened to me just a couple days ago, I know that I'm not finished yet. But talking things out and revisiting the memories are helping with the transition into a new point in my life. Will a future chapter of my life include this person again? time and the heart will tell as to if I'm ready to have him back and if my heart is open to the possibility of starting over. While this has been heartbreaking and frustrating to go through, I'm starting to realize that I have been given space to decide that although it's a hard transition, it's one where I can make things happen for myself and learn how to start over in different ways. I can reinvent myself, and decide what my boundaries are. It's also a time to revisit memories, and learn which ones to keep and which ones to let go of. Although I haven't exactly lived for very long, it's an odd life and sometimes I feel like I could fit in with immortals (although all ever talked about are fictional). When they're described to us in books and movies, many of them have centuries of history written on their faces, yet they learn to continue with time as it ebbs and flows, and maybe let the years lived show on their faces and in their scars every now and then.
I identify strongly with this speech because the Doctor is addressing the many memories he has, and some of them are beautiful and some of them are tragic, but he doesn't let the weight of them destroy him ultimately, which is really encouraging in times like this. The heart is at times an unpredictable force, but life is still the most unpredictable as it gives us things to keep, things to learn, and things to let go of.
Decisions are hard. I really understand what the Doctor was saying when he said that sometimes the only decisions that are available to make are bad ones, but there's still the matter of choosing. I understood that quote on a deep level: take for instance, when Alan Turing built the machine that decoded the German's Enigma codes. In the movie adaptation of Alan's life, they decoded a message about a ship full of civilians and soldiers being bombed that day, but the problem was was they couldn't alert anyone to what they had decoded because they didn't want the Germans to know that their message had been translated. The ramifications of choosing between life and death weighs heavier on the soul than most decisions and choices that we make in life. I didn't have to weigh between which lives are worth saving and which ones are not. Not now, anyway. I simply had to choose whether or not I wanted to go overseas this year for my junior year of college. For many who have gone before, this opportunity offers growth in an area of the world that's very unfamiliar, and other opportunities like learning another language and getting to know the people in a community with traditions that are their own which are there for outsiders to learn about. To have the chance to get to do something like that is what I've wanted to do my whole life. Growing up I just felt like I didn't belong in small places and that I was supposed to do more. I have been exploring that at my school at minnesota, and sometimes coming home after break I felt like I was better suited to a big diverse city like Minneapolis. Being evacuated in early march because of covid, I had to adjust to being back home sooner than I thought was going to happen, but sometimes life happens and pulls the rug out from under you, which also happens to throw off anything you might have planned in your calendar. For the most part, I feel relief, because in talking to friends and family, all have told me that it's a good idea to stave off my plans and work on finding other ways to keep life happening for me this year. When it comes to other emotions, I feel sad, and disappointed because I feel like I didn't do enough to help me get to my goal of what I wanted to do. But the feeling of not doing enough in my life to be successful has been a constant companion, borne from past parental relationships and mindsets that I kept to survive in hard circumstances. This time I think, will be a respite to work on trusting God and having faith that everything is supposed to work out the way it's supposed to. Not my will but His alone, right? I have tears to shed and time to think about how I can take these next couple of months to get closer with family, continue the work I've been doing in counseling, and the beginnings of the foundation of my future and what the next few years will look like for me. Please be praying that I figure out ways to be vulnerable with others about how I feel in this time, and that I also learn how to vulnerable with God during this hard time. It's difficult to lay something like this down before His feet and surrender, but I think it's something I've been needing to learn the meaning of for a long time. If anything, this is what gives me comfort; the fact that even though it hurts to make this kind of decision and stay in a familiar place even when I long to be somewhere I've never been before, here's what I do know: that God is not disappointed in me and never will be. This also gives me comfort as well, and if you're having a bad time of things yourself, I hope this helps where needed.
Thanks so much for reading guys, and happy friday!
A hundred or so years ago, the First World War happened. Ironically, it was a situation that started with a murder, creating a chain reaction that then spiraled, that included multiple nations getting involved, and things got so crazy that people wondered if the war was going to end, or if the world was going to end before that. Fast forward to the year 2020, and things have spiraled once again, beginning with the recorded murder of Ahmaud Arbery, that surfaced in March even though it happened in February, and most recently, a second recorded murder of another black man named George Floyd, this time by a police officer, even though George was not resisting arrest. Even now, there have been peaceful protesters in Minneapolis which is where George was from, but there have also been rioters who are ravaging the city that I called home for two years. And lately, I’m starting to wonder the same thing that everyone else was a hundred or so years ago: will the world end first before the madness does? Another question I must ask: what kind of legacy are we focused on having as a whole? Our history is one that is flawed, because everyone is flawed. But history must be acknowledged so that the same mistakes don’t happened again. We shouldn’t just acknowledge it, but then still repeat it, hoping to give it a different name.
I fear for the children of our future. Will they be sitting in class one day and be shown the murders caught on video, of people destroying and burning down an entire city, and all they’ll feel is shame that we stooped so low but chose to stay there? Or will they see that disturbing archival footage and decide “never again”? We have a responsibility; a duty of care if you will. We must care for each other, no matter what race or skin color someone else is. No one deserves to be treated differently by anyone else, police officer or no. Lin Manuel Miranda defines the word “legacy” perfectly: planting seeds in a garden you never get to see. Being stewards of this “garden”, we must take care. Are we going to generate shame and fear years from now because of past actions, or are we going to get our crap together, and sit down and talk? I hope it’s the second option, because it’s time to start talking about change but doing it productively. In times of crisis, it doesn’t make sense that beautiful things and people deserve to be burned, or torn down, or killed. That’s not how asking for change works. Change isn’t repetition, it’s making a difference. Before it’s too late, I hope we realize that before Minneapolis is turned into another version of No Man’s Land. Please, for all of our sakes, choose change. Do it and someone else will follow the example. Maybe then we can start making different decisions and learn from them.
Hey guys,
It's been a while. I know, I know. Haven't posted anything since new year's. And I take full responsibility for it, things happened, like going back to school after christmas break and getting back into routine, and focusing on my relationship on top of everything else which needed moments of hard talks but fortunately we've been great by the way, and oh yeah, the virus. (Yes, there is passive aggression, sorry). Since I got evacuated from school because of the virus, it's been a transition from a familiar environment and a fixed schedule to online school in a familiar environment surrounded by unfamiliar and somewhat stressful events. Oh, and I've also been doing counseling again. I'm somewhat happy about it and somewhat bummed, because most times I've done counseling I always end up leaving with a diagnosis of some kind. This time it was certified PTSD (and/or PTS if you want to be technically politically correct). Also mild depression on top of that. I figured as much about that one, though. I used to have basic depression, and I've done a lot of work to move on from that part of it, but I still have bad days, which are highlighted by good ones. Honestly, it's hard to be diagnosed with different things when you just want to be some form of healthy human being. I figured I had some form of PTSD after talking about it with my mom in depth, so I wasn't surprised when I was told that I had it by a professional, but it also meant that there was a part of me that was broken that needed to be fixed. I mean obviously there are people who always have a broken piece or two that they either live with or get fixed. I choose to fix my broken as much as possible so that I can move on and make better memories after having the past couple of years be somewhat shaded by sad moments. It's going to be a journey for sure, but it'll be one that's rewarding in the end, even if there are moments where things need to come up to the surface that are too painful to think about, and believe me I have some of those, not afraid to admit it. But I have hope, despite all the crazy that's going on in the world at the moment. Will I press through? Yes I will. Having to write about this stuff again reminds me of that post I made about the Doctor Who episode "Caerdroia". I feel like I got to the right place, but it also feels like I have a long way to go still when it comes to talking things out and healing. All I'm hoping for is the strength to confront all that happened and all that might be buried deep and break through and come out the other side a better and stronger person. Now that I think about it, watching the latest series of Doctor Who has helped me have something to relate to. The last episode of series 12, the doctor finds out that she's an entirely different species than she thought, and that the time lords (aliens that she thought she belonged to) took a lot from her and left a good space of her mind blank because of it. I think that's the best way that I can describe PTSD for myself: there's history and scars, but not all of it is accessible, and it's going to take a lot of work to uncover as much as possible and work through it so that I'm able to do the healing that's needed. Honestly I figure much of the work will look something like this:
Anyhoo, thanks for reading! I hope to write some more on this blog given that I have the time to do a little more of it now!
