November

Today has been.......Insightful. For a long time I was feeling angry and depressed, a little displaced in some areas, filled with grief. Today I was able to get some clarity when I went to counseling. I am not a person who's all put together. That's what I'm going to tell you first. Not all of us have the puzzle put together. In actuality I never realized that I was struggling with real depression till now. I don't know if it's been put into words, like descriptive ones. For me, it feels like a big blanket that you just can't get out from under and into less suffocating environments. It's a real thing. I never realized it till now. Can't say that I've joined the ranks of people who are/have been depressed. I'm just realizing that I'm going to come out of it with experience. My mom told me I was depressed first, but it wasn't exactly solid clarification for me. And today, it was confirmed.

I realized that I have never been able to get over the most recent passing of the family dog. I'm still not over it now. I guess it really hurts when you have to let go of a long serving companion of your life. I don't regret holding her when it was done, though. It's something I'll live with for the rest of my life, I know. But I'll never be haunted by it. For starters, I thought I was pretty normal as things go. But things change and I realize that not only have I begun to see some things that I'll need to change, I realize that lately, I've become more of a wounded animal, lashing out at anyone that tries to come near and help. With this newfound series of soul-baring sessions that I am about to start, I realize that I can overcome this emotional wreck that I am and have been. It won't be easy. Opening up and talking about the deepest and darkest parts of you never is.

But I'm willing to do it in order to get back to where I want to be. Which is not here. But if you think about it, people all have that pit they fall into, the sand they get their feet stuck under as a wave races to them with the threat of being pulled under. But with a little help from others, obstacles  can always be gotten over. But I guess square one is where I start: finding and returning the pieces that are missing so that I'm complete and whole, but also healed. It's not going to be a quick trip. Things will take a while to process. Which I'm totally okay with. I have time. But for me, the healing journey starts now.

A puzzle with missing pieces. Only thing left to do now is look for them.