Tuesday 5/16/17

I know, I know, you guys have been waiting for this for a LONG time. Emphasis on "long." I am working two jobs. Two. Jobs. Me. Interesting how that happened. I was already working at a horseback riding school as a wrangler, which I love by the way. Then I went in for a job interview at the local ice cream emporium about 15 minutes or so away from where I live now. I thought it would be complicated, what with ice cream orders and shake making and malt making. But it actually isn't. I know how to make shakes and malts now (yay!) and I haven't had a single shake explosion yet. When I say 'yet', I know it's waiting to happen sometime in the near future. Working at an ice cream place has its perks, though. Not only am I basically smack dab in the middle of town, where everything happens, this INCREDIBLY SUPER cute guy with the most GORGEOUS eyes came in today and I suddenly had no idea how to make the shake he ordered but ANYWAY. 

Having two part time jobs is tiring. When I had one part time job, I had a few days of recuperation afterwards cause extended hours in a rock hard leather saddle can take a lot out of you. But now, I'm going from working at the ice cream place one day to horseback riding the next, then working at the ice cream place the day after that. So, yeah. Most days I feel like flopping to the floor and just lying there. But both jobs keep me on my toes. I'm glad that I have a job based in the town where I used to live, cause I sometimes feel really isolated where I am now. But at least things are happening. I was in a bit of a rough spot emotionally, and was feeling pretty lonely. Now I have opportunities to hang out with girls around my age and be able to have a bit more of a social life cause I've gone a long time without having very much of one. I think things are finally on the up and up for me, and as far as I'm concerned, the rollercoaster that is my life can only go up, my friend. 

Thanks for reading, and happy tuesday!

Monday 4/10/17

So even though today is National Sibling Day it's also Library Week (bless the soul that came up with that genius idea). Growing up, the library was a home away from home. So many new adventures awaiting on every single shelf, waiting for its first page to be turned and a new story discovered. Books were (and still are) a way for me to get a break from the tedious bore that everyday life can get to be sometimes. They've been a safe haven for the lost, a friend for the lonely, a solace for the heartbroken. You can't be judged by words on a page.

Whoever had the idea to invent the book in the first place definitely knew that people were going to absolutely love what is now a very popular pastime in the very far future. So, I'm not lying when I say this: I am probably not the only one to get super jealous of Belle when she got that incredible library from the Beast as a gift. I grew up watching the cartoon and recently went to see the live action remake of it but anyway. This was my second favorite part of the movie, my first fave part being the ballroom scene when they were dancing and Mrs Potts was singing "Beauty & The Beast". So in honor of Library Week, I thought I would put up the most iconic scene to ever dazzle my bookworm brain and make me wish for the impossible (the impossible being a giant library all for me) but anyways, enjoy and happy monday!!!

P.S. One of my "To-Do" things for this year is blogging more, so I will try to update this blog and my geek blog as much as I can. Thanks for reading!

Wednesday

Hey all. I am going to keep this post really short as I am exhausted from work and a generally long week. Things have been slightly like the tide, coming in and going out. We have good days and bad days. The bad days happen to be particularly frustrating, especially to me, not exactly having much of a social life (which I am working on remedying). Transitions are tough. This I know. But what keeps me going is the inspirational mind of Lin Manuel Miranda. The genius who created Hamilton and a guest star on (many) tv shows and movies, is a very encouraging person. I think it's cause he had a rough upbringing, with transitions and changes, that didn't come easy. It kinda lets me know that I can make it and that everything's going to turn out just fine, if I'm willing to wait for it. Thought I would close with one of his awesome tweets. G'night all from Colorado!

I will post more, I promise. Just been busy figuring out what the next step for me is.

Thursday

This week has been fairly okay. Things have been stressful, that's for sure. But as long as I have an outlet where I can retreat and take a break, I think I'm going to be okay. Found this pearl of wisdom by David Bowie, and it's some pretty good advice. Hope you get something out of it, too.

Happy almost-the-weekend from your favorite blogger!

December

This year......has DEFINITELY been interesting. The uproar that the election brought, the ups and downs of the movies that were released this year, general online drama, you name it. I think the hard part of this year was losing so many celebrities; very recently, Carrie Fisher of Star Wars fame, followed a day after by her mother, Debbie Reynolds. All the other stuff that happened this year kinda fades in comparison when it comes to tragic events or the passing of loved ones. But there were good parts of 2016: I made some discoveries and made new friends in a place very far away from my home, memories were made, adventures were taken, changes happened that turned out to be good ones. 2016 has been brutal, yes. But as the 11th Doctor once said: "'The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things but vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant." We mourn the ones we lost, but we move on. A way I moved on from losing the family dog is that we got a new one. I still miss her, but the fact that the hole she left was filled with a new addition, helps with the grieving process and makes everything a little brighter, a little easier to breathe everyday. I'm a sucker for the philosophical stuff, and whenever I see this part, it always sticks out to me in a way, so I'll leave you with this.

Sorry for the late post, and happy (almost) New Year!

Wednesday

When you're depressed, you forget that you're still breathing. You look at your hands, and wonder why you haven't turned invisible yet. Auto pilot is the most popular function to work at. You're hearing everything but you're not listening. Inside it's as if you're either trapped in a dark box with no way out or you're wandering through a gray forest. You don't want to get out of bed in the mornings, finding that the warmth of your blanket is so much more comforting than moving and facing the world every single day. Another blog, Hyperboleandahalf, puts it in such a relatable way. You get bored with everything, and doing stuff like school and even chores just feels meaningless. The writer of the blog also states that when she was depressed, she drifted around, "completely unsure of what I was feeling or whether I could actually feel anything at all." I create a blacker hole for myself by being alone and spending time on paltry things. 

But it's hard to be attached when you feel Detached. I try to make expressions that fit the conversation and/or mood, but when it all comes down to it, you're back at square one, unsure of what to do next. Not sure if this is making any sense, and I'm not asking for sympathy, but I guess I'm just sort of blathering on about what depression is and how I feel when it comes to depressed. The fact that I'm told I'm depressed doesn't exactly make things better for me sometimes. The goal is to eventually climb out of the hole and move on. It's not done very fast, but it's done in your own time, in the right place, knowing that you're not rushed. I have also found that I have been unable to come up with or write any poetry. It's kind of a hobby of mine. But I try to think of a beginning verse, a topic to write on, and I only get a couple words, before the lights in my head fizzle out in sparks. It's hard to even write in a journal. Just recently, I started thinking about what a sketchbook might do to help me out with this. In the movie We Bought A Zoo, the protagonist's oldest son dealt with the grief of his mother's death by making macabre sketches in a notebook. Now I'm starting to wonder if I can start to deal with my depression by sketching it out. Mostly, I just feel gray. And sort of like a computer: unfeeling, just sort of there. I am still doing counseling, and it is helping. So I'm making baby steps, which matters. I don't know how long this will take to overcome, but I know I'll make it onto the other side a different person, but stronger for it.

November

Today has been.......Insightful. For a long time I was feeling angry and depressed, a little displaced in some areas, filled with grief. Today I was able to get some clarity when I went to counseling. I am not a person who's all put together. That's what I'm going to tell you first. Not all of us have the puzzle put together. In actuality I never realized that I was struggling with real depression till now. I don't know if it's been put into words, like descriptive ones. For me, it feels like a big blanket that you just can't get out from under and into less suffocating environments. It's a real thing. I never realized it till now. Can't say that I've joined the ranks of people who are/have been depressed. I'm just realizing that I'm going to come out of it with experience. My mom told me I was depressed first, but it wasn't exactly solid clarification for me. And today, it was confirmed.

I realized that I have never been able to get over the most recent passing of the family dog. I'm still not over it now. I guess it really hurts when you have to let go of a long serving companion of your life. I don't regret holding her when it was done, though. It's something I'll live with for the rest of my life, I know. But I'll never be haunted by it. For starters, I thought I was pretty normal as things go. But things change and I realize that not only have I begun to see some things that I'll need to change, I realize that lately, I've become more of a wounded animal, lashing out at anyone that tries to come near and help. With this newfound series of soul-baring sessions that I am about to start, I realize that I can overcome this emotional wreck that I am and have been. It won't be easy. Opening up and talking about the deepest and darkest parts of you never is.

But I'm willing to do it in order to get back to where I want to be. Which is not here. But if you think about it, people all have that pit they fall into, the sand they get their feet stuck under as a wave races to them with the threat of being pulled under. But with a little help from others, obstacles  can always be gotten over. But I guess square one is where I start: finding and returning the pieces that are missing so that I'm complete and whole, but also healed. It's not going to be a quick trip. Things will take a while to process. Which I'm totally okay with. I have time. But for me, the healing journey starts now.

A puzzle with missing pieces. Only thing left to do now is look for them.