December

This year......has DEFINITELY been interesting. The uproar that the election brought, the ups and downs of the movies that were released this year, general online drama, you name it. I think the hard part of this year was losing so many celebrities; very recently, Carrie Fisher of Star Wars fame, followed a day after by her mother, Debbie Reynolds. All the other stuff that happened this year kinda fades in comparison when it comes to tragic events or the passing of loved ones. But there were good parts of 2016: I made some discoveries and made new friends in a place very far away from my home, memories were made, adventures were taken, changes happened that turned out to be good ones. 2016 has been brutal, yes. But as the 11th Doctor once said: "'The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't always soften the bad things but vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant." We mourn the ones we lost, but we move on. A way I moved on from losing the family dog is that we got a new one. I still miss her, but the fact that the hole she left was filled with a new addition, helps with the grieving process and makes everything a little brighter, a little easier to breathe everyday. I'm a sucker for the philosophical stuff, and whenever I see this part, it always sticks out to me in a way, so I'll leave you with this.

Sorry for the late post, and happy (almost) New Year!

Wednesday

When you're depressed, you forget that you're still breathing. You look at your hands, and wonder why you haven't turned invisible yet. Auto pilot is the most popular function to work at. You're hearing everything but you're not listening. Inside it's as if you're either trapped in a dark box with no way out or you're wandering through a gray forest. You don't want to get out of bed in the mornings, finding that the warmth of your blanket is so much more comforting than moving and facing the world every single day. Another blog, Hyperboleandahalf, puts it in such a relatable way. You get bored with everything, and doing stuff like school and even chores just feels meaningless. The writer of the blog also states that when she was depressed, she drifted around, "completely unsure of what I was feeling or whether I could actually feel anything at all." I create a blacker hole for myself by being alone and spending time on paltry things. 

But it's hard to be attached when you feel Detached. I try to make expressions that fit the conversation and/or mood, but when it all comes down to it, you're back at square one, unsure of what to do next. Not sure if this is making any sense, and I'm not asking for sympathy, but I guess I'm just sort of blathering on about what depression is and how I feel when it comes to depressed. The fact that I'm told I'm depressed doesn't exactly make things better for me sometimes. The goal is to eventually climb out of the hole and move on. It's not done very fast, but it's done in your own time, in the right place, knowing that you're not rushed. I have also found that I have been unable to come up with or write any poetry. It's kind of a hobby of mine. But I try to think of a beginning verse, a topic to write on, and I only get a couple words, before the lights in my head fizzle out in sparks. It's hard to even write in a journal. Just recently, I started thinking about what a sketchbook might do to help me out with this. In the movie We Bought A Zoo, the protagonist's oldest son dealt with the grief of his mother's death by making macabre sketches in a notebook. Now I'm starting to wonder if I can start to deal with my depression by sketching it out. Mostly, I just feel gray. And sort of like a computer: unfeeling, just sort of there. I am still doing counseling, and it is helping. So I'm making baby steps, which matters. I don't know how long this will take to overcome, but I know I'll make it onto the other side a different person, but stronger for it.

November

Today has been.......Insightful. For a long time I was feeling angry and depressed, a little displaced in some areas, filled with grief. Today I was able to get some clarity when I went to counseling. I am not a person who's all put together. That's what I'm going to tell you first. Not all of us have the puzzle put together. In actuality I never realized that I was struggling with real depression till now. I don't know if it's been put into words, like descriptive ones. For me, it feels like a big blanket that you just can't get out from under and into less suffocating environments. It's a real thing. I never realized it till now. Can't say that I've joined the ranks of people who are/have been depressed. I'm just realizing that I'm going to come out of it with experience. My mom told me I was depressed first, but it wasn't exactly solid clarification for me. And today, it was confirmed.

I realized that I have never been able to get over the most recent passing of the family dog. I'm still not over it now. I guess it really hurts when you have to let go of a long serving companion of your life. I don't regret holding her when it was done, though. It's something I'll live with for the rest of my life, I know. But I'll never be haunted by it. For starters, I thought I was pretty normal as things go. But things change and I realize that not only have I begun to see some things that I'll need to change, I realize that lately, I've become more of a wounded animal, lashing out at anyone that tries to come near and help. With this newfound series of soul-baring sessions that I am about to start, I realize that I can overcome this emotional wreck that I am and have been. It won't be easy. Opening up and talking about the deepest and darkest parts of you never is.

But I'm willing to do it in order to get back to where I want to be. Which is not here. But if you think about it, people all have that pit they fall into, the sand they get their feet stuck under as a wave races to them with the threat of being pulled under. But with a little help from others, obstacles  can always be gotten over. But I guess square one is where I start: finding and returning the pieces that are missing so that I'm complete and whole, but also healed. It's not going to be a quick trip. Things will take a while to process. Which I'm totally okay with. I have time. But for me, the healing journey starts now.

A puzzle with missing pieces. Only thing left to do now is look for them.

Thursday

Hey guys,
sorry I haven't written in a while. Past couple of days have been tough for me. On tuesday, I had to take our dog to the vet to be put down. She was sick, and wasn't getting better, so she was only suffering. We tried helping her out all that we could, but nothing was changing, so we decided that the best and most respectful thing to do for her was to let her go so she wouldn't have to be in pain anymore. I was right next to her when she was given the shot when she died. I decided to stay with her cause pets can tell at that moment when you're with them or not. It happened really fast, and she went quietly.I was hard to do, but ultimately, it was better for her. I was thinking all the rest of that day, Why am I so emotional? It's just an animal, I shouldn't be this affected! I know the reason why is because me and my family had known her since she was a puppy, and had raised her, walked her and played with her and cuddled with her, so she had become a part of our family. Now that she's gone, the house has gotten a certain kind of quiet. I can no longer hear her collar tags jangling whenever she moves around the house, nor the way she pants or her barking.

It's hard right now to kinda go from day to day without thinking about her. I mean, how could you not after losing a pet? The night before we took her in, I tried watching a couple sad videos, like from Marley & Me, and Forrest Gump, and whatever else I could think of to get the tears out and over with. When I got home, I realized I was dreadfully wrong. In order to not think about it, I kept myself busy getting people places since I had become designated driver since my parents were in denver getting some appointments taken care of. Surprisingly, having the Broadway soundtrack of Hamilton helped me a bit. It was something to have while working through grieving. I can't say that this will be easy for me to get over, but something that helps me out is that I know she's not in any pain anymore. I don't exactly know if animals get to go to heaven or not, but I hope she's happy wherever she is. Me and my family have also been able to get support from friends and family which has been amazing. I guess what I got from this past experience is that I never want to do it again for a long time. Utah only lived to be about 8, and I hope that if we get another dog, that they have a little more time with us. Cause honestly, I felt like Utah was here and then she was gone. It seems like only yesterday when she was an adorable bundle of fur and brought her home.

She didn't exactly do a whole lot the last couple months she was with us, but at least we knew she was there. All I can say is that she was the greatest dog to me, and we had the best of times with her. I wish we could have had more time, but sometimes, life doesn't work that way. I miss her every day, and probably will for the rest of my life, cause no dog can ever take her place, cause she was a special dog with so many messages to share. One time, we were out doing something and had left her in the backyard. There was a bad thunderstorm, and she got scared and somehow got out of the fenced enclosure and ran away.  It wasn't till later when we found her at the dog pound. Apparently the dog catcher had caught her while she was on the run. As my dad went in to pay to get her out, he realized that what he was doing for our dog, Utah, is what God did for us. When he had given us a home, and loved us, we had run away from him until our sins caught up with us. Through Jesus, we were given salvation and another chance, as my dad had given had given her another chance by buying her back from the dog pound. Needless to say, she never ran away from us again, cause she knew who she was safest with: her family. I will forever be grateful to her for how she stayed with us through all the constant moving around and crazy bumps in the road of life. I guess they meant it when they called the dog "Man's Best Friend", cause that's what she was.

So sorry to keep you guys waiting, thank you for reading!

September

So, this past month has been pretty interesting in of itself. One of my sisters and I were able to see my oldest sister and her husband in Salt Lake City, we went to durango and hung out with family a bit, my sister and my brother in law came just came this past friday and they spent the weekend with us cause my 16-year-old sister was in a singing contest (which she did not win, sadly but still rocked the house and did amazingly.) It's possible our dog might need to be put down as she has gotten sick and in all ways basically deteriorated in front of us, so my mom has been saying that quality of life has to be considered as she is miserable and can barely walk which is hard for me to see as I have known her all her life, so I've been still struggling with the fact that she might need to be let go pretty soon. It's not something I like thinking about, but I don't like seeing her suffer daily with just doing the simple task of walking and eating and drinking. I'm excited about what these next couple of months have for me, as we're planning school trips and I'm starting the long and arduous path to graduation. I've been into Hamilton a WHOLE lot. It's basically what I listen to most of the time now. The fact that American history that hasn't been touched on has been turned into a musical, that then has rap mixed in with it, both amazes and astounds me with the level of creativity that's been put into it. I've even gone so far as to order it for the local library, cause I'm wanting to get it into my iPod as fast as I can. I'm also hoping to see the play, as I saw a poster for it while I was in Salt Lake City that said it would be showing there at one of the local theaters in town. So all in all, I know these next few months will have its ups and downs, but I'm more or less ready for them. Thanks for reading and waiting!!

WAY overdue update!!!!!

Hey, guys, long time no see, huh??? I do have a reason for falling the face off the blogging world, though. I was working at a summer camp in woodland park from late May to early August. I just got back on the 14th, and it's been about 8 days since I got back. Wow. Somehow I feel like I've been here longer. Time's weird that way.

While I was there, I did think about you guys, my loyal readers, and I kind of made an executive decision: for the time being, what I was doing was way more important than blogging for a while. And I think it was a good decision. I made lots of friends, worked, laughed, and just lived for a while. It definitely was an experience, one I'll never forget. If you guys can, I'm asking that you pray for me, cause last night we had some friends over and they mentioned that there's a family in London that might need some nanny services. We're just starting to contact them and see what's up, but this could be the next big step for me, so I'm gonna be praying to see if this is what He wants me to do at the moment. What else has happened, let's see. We've moved into a whole new house which has taken me some getting used to cause when I left we were still at the last house, so I got to come home to a brand new one. So I'm still trying to figure out where everything goes when it comes to cooking as my mom has me making dinner for everyone again. I'm excited for comic con in October, which will be in San Antonio Texas. Which, honestly, is the last place I'd want to go but a few of my favorite actors from a favorite show of mine are going to be there, so that makes the trip worthwhile, at least. Definitely glad to be back, though.

More coming, I just think this is enough for now.

HUGE update!!!!

Hi guys, Mariah here. Sorry I haven't written in a while. Things have been nuts on my end. My summer took the craziest turn and it turns out that I'm here in woodland park working at a summer camp. I'm doing mostly dishes and that stuff, but it's plenty easy and it never fails to tire me out. On top of climbing a long staircase in order to get to work and back is helping some as well. Plans have changed for me I the aspect of comic con not working out but I found another one that's happening in October so I'll try shooting for that one. It's been a mixture of scary, nerve wracking and the feeling that I'm among complete strangers here. It's something different. Which is what I like. In a way, to be completely geeky about it, this is sorta like my own TARDUS adventure: you never know where you're going to end up once you step inside, the merry chases you'll be making and the friendships you'll be making. I guess it's my first official adventure away from what I consider normal, which is fantastic. Feeling really tired, will write again soon.