Hey guys, it's me, finally writing from my other blog that isn't the geeky one that I seem to post more stuff on than this one (which I am slowly starting to work on remedying so just bear with me). Only reason why I haven't been writing, and it's a very legitimate reason, is because my two jobs have been very demanding when it comes to the hours I'm expected to work. Well, at least the BBQ place I feel has that expectation. The other place, which is an ice cream parlor is kinda a bit more relaxed. Recently, my schedule has opened up a bit and I now have a couple more days off which I am working to fix with finding another job which sounds exhausting, but my mom wants me to have enough money saved up for when I need to go shopping for the necessary stuff while I'm at school. Oh, and I also got accepted to a college in Minnesota recently, so I'm starting on the basic stuff, finishing the extra application bits, working on the obnoxious tax paperwork, and going through clothes and seeing what still fits, what's too small, what might have too many holes, that kind of thing. I leave for school in mid august so I'm just now beginning to feel the nerves setting in.
College will be a great step outward for me, but it'll also be something diffult to adjust to as I will be on my own, in a different state, for longer than a couple months. I was able to handle 4 months working at a summer camp, but going to college in a different state for four years will be a challenge. I will find the niche that I'll belong in eventually, and it's not hard for me to make friends, so that's a definite comfort. And just to let you know, stuff at home is doing pretty decent. My mom is figuring out custody stuff which I don't have to deal with since I'm almost 20 which makes me legally "emancipated" from all this legal jargon and whatnot. I finally figured out what it is that I want to do for my 20th birthday, which I'm hoping will be a monumental one as the past couple of birthdays have been slightly lackluster (ok, they've been way more than a little lackluster). I'm planning on doing on doing a little exploring without a schedule and then going to a play. Seeing something live on stage on special trips kinda helps me cement the memories and keep them as unforgettable as possible. I mean, the first actual "big-deal" play that I ever went to was War Horse with the puppets and although some of it is fuzzy now that I think about it I've still managed to remember what seeing that play felt like. Plus whenever I see a stage production it renews my vigor in wanting to get more involved in theater in the near future. Getting so close to college and starting this new chapter in my life makes me think of this song from the short Broadway run of "Amelie" with Phillipa Soo, who used to play Eliza Hamilton in Hamilton, and it's just so hopeful and it talks about new beginnings and a life getting to finally begin.
Whenever I listen to it I always think of what I have coming up this year and even though I am nervous I am also excited about what the upcoming months and the upcoming new year could have in store for me to discover about myself and what will be my new home for a couple years.
Thanks for reading and listening, and happy wednesday!
I am going to be honest with you guys. Things might seem to be more on the up-and-up for me lately, but that's not exactly true. Not that I was expecting that you automatically assume that bloggers have a pretty perfect life (I don't think they do, except for the lady who writes the Cake Wrecks and Epbot blogs.) Lately, I've been feeling a sense of not getting a lot accomplished, as well as feeling lonely. I have been trying to get out there more and hang out with people my age, but that's hard to do when anyone that's my age is in school, working, and doing who else knows what. I'm feeling not very well accomplished because my younger sister is gone at her second allstate choir thing in about two weekends and I'm over here working, driving people back and forth, and not doing anything very extraordinary.
Please bear with me here, because I'm gonna get as honest as I can on the internet with this sort of thing. I'm going to phrase this as a "family difficulty" because that's the best term that I have for it. To say it that way though is like using a super polite word to explain something that you just want to keep secret. I have talked about it with family and a couple of friends, so it's not like I'm suffering in silence, but here goes: my parents are going through the process of taking a break and getting space, and because of some frustrations that have come up, it's become likely that the break will be a permanent one. How am I doing with this? I'm not exactly like screaming and weeping, but there's a lot of anger and frustration at how things are being handled sometimes. My siblings and I are going to be moving with my mom and my dad is out of the house already, coming over every now and then to collect his stuff for storage to be moved into another place in the future. I don't want to be cliche, but I never thought this would happen. Separation and divorce in families, but I never thought something like this would happen with mine. While picking up my brother from his basketball practice, I was listening to a song of Coldplay's called "Don't Panic", and the chorus consists of the lines "we live in a beautiful world/yeah we do, yeah we do/" I was singing along but then I started thinking and I realized that at the moment, I'm not living in a beautiful world.
What makes the world beautiful are friends, families, and the things you do that help to make the world and your life beautiful. I realize that since New Year's Day, things around me and myself personally have changed drastically. On december 31st, I had no idea that there was a large amount of conflict that I knew nothing of, which I know about now that my mom has been working on the stuff for a legal break-taking, along with the moving, and my dad coming over to pack his things. I know that none of it was my fault, I think this is supposed to happen, even though I don't want it to. I feel like most times I'm happy, but I feel like it's an emotion I need to have in order to not think about what's happening too much and also because other people need to see a smile and not a frown unless I'm confused or flustered about something or other. Most of the time I feel like my main two emotions are frustration and anger because this is all happening to me, my siblings, and my parents. And I don't know how to cope at times. It's not major depression like I used to have but I think it's mostly intense sadness that's been happening. Everyone feels it at the moment. I do have support so that's working out all right. As long as I have someone to talk to about how I'm really feeling I usually end up fine. I wasn't able to actually release emotionally, which is a coping mechanism I used when my older sister was getting married. But I listened to the song "This Is Me" from The Greatest Showman, and it loosened up tears that were all tightened up. I've been crying more which is a sign of release but this isn't going to be an easy transition for any of us.
I hope I'm not spoiling the movie for people who haven't seen The Greatest Showman yet, but I think this is the most powerful song to come from a movie musical like this.
