October

Hey blog fans,

Sorry I haven't given you guys an update yet. We have been super busy with life. Trying to remember what we've been doing....well, there's speech class, catching up on school, and my eldest sister who is 18 has been dating a guy for six or seven months, my brother is doing football, and my dad is healing quite nicely from his accident, which is good. We have found a house and it is so nice: it's a mansion-like place in the country part of Paonia, and we are close neighbors to some really good neighbors, which means we're just down the road which is a walk or five minute car ride away, so sleepovers are super easy to do since we're closer. I have discovered coldplay's new album ghost stories which I am in love with, and one of my used-to-be-single aunts is now married, which I am excited about. We all had a major part in it: Kristin was a filmer/photographer, Jordan was the cake baker, Elijah was the ring bearer, and me and Jordan got to carry a sign down the aisle that said, "Last Chance To Run", and my sisters Aysia and Aniya were flower girls. They got to wear frilly orange and red tutus, and the got to toss dried flower petals all over the place. And the flowers for the wedding itself came from one of the farms here in Paonia. Now, we're all just waiting for them to find the time to visit. Oh, and my grandma moved back to Texas a little bit ago, and we're looking at kids for our foster care to adopt thing, so that's been cool. Plus, I am going to be a junior counselor (woot, woot!!) for a drama camp this fall and I might get to Oklahoma between now and then. And I am starting to think about looking for a job, since the ice cream shop job I was looking to aim for is closed for the season, so I might consider becoming a bus girl for one of the restaurants here, so wish me luck! Another thing is that since my sister is seeing someone, I've been thinking about my future guy, too. But it's hard, cause I have this thing for guys who like my other sisters and not me back. I've heard from my sisters that I usually don't try to to be noticed cause of what I wear. I mean, what can I say, I have had problems feeling feminine recently. But I know that God has it all planned, so I know I shouldn't worry about it, but it's been hard for me lately. You'd think, though, since I've seen a number of movies about true love, that I'd know what it is, but since my sister fell in love with someone, it's a whole 'nother thing than the movies made love look like. But I guess it's better to focus on bigger things that I can accomplish by myself first before I get to that chapter. 

But anyway, I have learned a new piece on the piano, which I have been working on, but since I learned it, I've been playing it alot, so my siblings have been pretty much sick of hearing it, so I have to do it on the keyboard upstairs so that I don't drove my siblings crazy. 😝 and I recently got done reading a really intense read, called "Summer of My German Soldier". It really talked about abuse, both physical and verbal, and the power of friendship and the human spirit. I really liked it, but it's not something I'd read again.i think it's a banned book, though for a lot of reasons, particularly the abuse, cause the main character's father beats her a lot throughout the book. Also, my mom wants us to do a film project for the film festival, which I have difficulty getting myself psyched up about, because last time, our film stunk but won something anyway, and all the interesting films got the best prizes. And by interesting I don't mean the good kind. Some were sweet, and the best one won a prize, but I think it deserved more. And I have to do a photo montage film thingie, which I have had problems coming up with what it's going to be about. So, I guess that's it, that's what I've been doing this year. 😊 let me know what you guys have been doing this year, i'd love to hear about it!!!!! 😄

June 1st, 2014

 One year ago today, I lost a very good friend. Her name was jubilee grace weber, and she totally changed my life. I didn't know her for a long time, but she made an impact on me, my family, and the whole town. She was a beautiful light while she was here, laughing, talking, and making a difference in my life as a person. Today is the one year mark of her passing. My world fell apart when I heard she had passed. I knew she was in a better place, but I asked myself, why her??? And why did she die so young when she had so much to look forward to: first day of school, her ups and downs, the good days and the bad, and watching her grow up. I was pretty mad at God for a time. Cause I mean, everyone was asking, why her, why did she have to die when she was just four??? That's way too young an age for anyone to die. But I just have to tell myself, it was for a reason. You will see her again soon, you just have to wait have hope and believe that you'll see her again, and she won't be sick. The hardest parts are the memories. I can remember what we did with her, like read her books and hold her, but I remember during that time, that I was stubborn in thinking that she wasn't going to die, she'll get better. But her parents knew that the tumor was inoperable, and there was nothing they could do. But I kept telling myself, she'll get better just when things start to get worse. And she was such a trooper through it all. As Zach Sobiech put it, she was a kid who really didn't lose. She has won, because Jesus had the ultimate victory, and he still does.

There are times when I wake up, and I think, Jubilee's gone. The months after she died is when it hit me the hardest. But I cannot express the pain that I know is a whole lot deeper for her parents. Another way to help me cope is that I've been listening to a song called "Clouds." it was written by a kid named Zach Sobiech, a kid who had a bone cancer that gave him only a few months to live. His story is incredible, and has made me really think about how I need to appreciate my life, since we all one go at it, so to speak. But he made the most of it. He wrote songs that said goodbye. My favorite verse of his song Clouds is "...and maybe someday/I'll see you again/we'll float up in the clouds and we'll never see the end." When I listen to that line, it's not Zach singing anymore, it's Jubilee that's speaking through the lyrics. And that gives me hope. I do miss her a lot, but I know she isn't sick there and she won't be ever again. Before I end this post, I wanted to show you the song clouds. And I hope it will touch your life, like it has touched mine.

Here is the link: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sDC97j6lfyc

June 2014 update

a quick update to all of my blog fans:

I was in a bike accident, but am doing fine. I just deeply bruised my leg and sprained my IT band, but other than a few other scrapes, I am doing just great. My sister who went to north carolina is now back and safe, and my eldest sister has bought a car, and I am about to start working. That's right, yours truly, becoming a full-fledged employee. I will be working at a movie theater in town, and I am super excited about my first day there, which is in a few days. We are trying to find a house, and that  hasn't been successful lately, and we have been packing which has been kind of a nail biter if you ask  me, since moving to me means that when you pack, you know exactly where you're supposed to go next, and it just seems like we are packing on blind faith that we are going to find a house. So, yeah. talk about stressful. What else? Changes have been happening, so many that's it's hard to keep track. Sometimes you will like me, end up at a crossroads and instead of knowing what direction you're going to take, you stand there, completely bewildered as to where to turn next.

 I mean, we can follow a road, certain we know where we're going, but there will always be that pesky little fork in the road. Will you turn to the left? or the right? I feel like I am still dealing with that problem myself. If only we knew all our lives what we were going to be doing. But by the grace of God, we don't so we continue to take this route, and when that doesn't work for us, we turn around and take the other route available to us. And a time will come when we need to make the final decision of where our lives will go: To the right or to the left. I don't exactly know where we're going next as a family, but I know it involves adoption. That's what happens on the road called life: You might know one thing, but the rest is just not easily seen yet. I mean, as far as I know, we probably won't adopt until all the kids have left the house, or we will start adopting as soon as we move into our new house, which I don't exactly know where that is to be yet. My greatest wish right now is to go into the future, and see my twenty or so older self, to see what she's doing, so that I don't have to worry about my situation right now. But we as human beings, as easy as time machine building might be in the books and movies, we just haven't been able to do yet, sadly. As much as we want to see our older selves and breathe a sigh of relief and say "That's what happens," right now, until someone proves otherwise, is just impossible to do. I know that as much as I want to do that, I am just going to have to take the road less traveled, as Robert Frost put it, and I am going to hope that it makes all the difference. And be praying that it's a good difference. 

Two Roads diverged in a wood, and I took 

the one less traveled,

And that has made all the

Difference.

-Robert Frost

May 2014

hey blog fans,
quick update on me:
My eighteen-year-old sister is graduating
My other sister is going to north carolina,
We are thinking about moving off the farm

Plus, things have been really hard for me. Fifteen seems to be the age where you figure things out, and it's not exactly easy. The way I am figuring things out is that I am getting in trouble with my parents constantly. I mean, of course there's gotta always be a line in the sad, right? And there ware two sides of that line, it just seems like I am ending up on the wrong side. I mean, just this morning, I got hit with a large punishment that is month long, and boy, dies it hurt. I wish I could obey, but I don't why I am always screwing up like this. The worst thing is making my parents mad constantly, and bringing a sour mood to everyone around me. (There's always a ripple effect, I've noticed).

 And I know it's wrong, but I don't know how it's going to get better. My dad told me I was going to with my mom to a bible study about traumas, you know, like birth traumas, or something that happened to you in your childhood. My mom apologized one night, telling me that the reason why I had a whole lot of behavioral problems was that she had been feeling a whole lot of things, and those emotions were transferred to me while in the womb. It's just this cycle that I just can't seem to get out of. Please be praying as I cope withe the consequences of my actions. And I mean, it's not that bad of a consequence, it's just involving something that I love to do as a pastime that has been taken from me momentarily. And I will get it back, I just have to prove myself worthy of getting it back. I guess it's just another lesson on how God works, you know. You really like something, and you tend to do it too much, so He decides strip that away to make you low so that you are humbled and willing to say, "You know, I was wrong in doing it." I guess this time I have is to draw closer to God and be willing to have myself laid low and humbled. It's something that I struggle with, So I ask that you have me in your prayers.
thank you all so much for reading my posts along the way, and pray that God will continue to humble me so that I will be able to make my family happy again, cause i know i am causing them so much grief. pray that i will put myself at the cross and be willing to die to self, so that he can work in me.



More of you, less of me.

So, quick update:
 A couple of my siblings got injured while snowboarding (Who said that sports came without risk?) We are trying to get our adopting started, particularly sibling groups, and if you are interested in looking at their site and supporting them, here is the link:
http://www.youcaring.com/adoption-fundraiser/tribe-growing-family-seeks-assistance-to-adopt/137733/update/132244

but anyway, I thought I should share a poem, one I wrote about abortion:

Sorry

a poem about abortion by Mariah Evans

They said it would be easy

They lied

They said it was just a lump of tissue

But I knew it was more than that.

He said he would leave if I didn’t get “it”, “taken care of”.

He wasn’t ready for a kid yet, and he

thought I wasn’t either, but he was 

rong.

If I hadn’t done it, would I have had

a son 

or daughter?

Every day, I feel

an emptiness

inside of me 

An enormous void that I can’t fill

My grief is an ocean

And I’m drowning

In tears that I’ve shed

caused by the guilt

Of giving in

And intentionally 

snuffing out a light

that might’ve become

someone I could’ve loved.

I’m sorry.

Please know, wherever you are, that

I’m sorry.

-Mariah F. Evans

Sorry bout the long wait, guys, it's been a long past couple of months for me. See, I've been searching for an affordable macbook, and all of my searching has turned up dry but I was able to find an affordable enough iPad which suits me just fine. I was able to play with it, get a few apps, and read a book on there, and have fun. All I need is just a keyboard for an iPad, to make it look like a macbook. but anyway, things have been going all right for me, and I am looking forward to a trip to see a relative in a little bit. Sorry I haven't been able write anything but I am uber thankful for the people who have stayed around long enough to give me enough blogviews. I am so thankful for you guys and i'm glad that you guys have been here to support my first year as a blogger. Again, thank you so much!!!!

Hey guys,
sorry I haven't been able to write anything new lately, I have been throughout the gauntlet, and have been laid out with a sore throat for a few days including an awful cough that makes me sound like a frog afterwards. (But not Kermit, mind you). It was really bad the first day, but it's improved over the past couple of days, cause my mom has been pushing all kinds of essential oils into me. But other than that, it's 2014, and the new year has begun. With a new year, comes the new plans: the movies, the books, the travels, and did I mention the movies? This past year has been quite eventful for me, with ups and downs and highs and lows, but hey, who doesn't???

But what pulls us through the the year?? Is it a promise, maybe?? Or something you heard from Father God??? Something that gives enough strength to make you pull through the year??? I know I did. I felt like this last year went out with a bang, and it wasn't good in that sense. I felt like people were traveling more than me, and that I had to fill in for them, and  there was drama, and a whole bunch of other stuff. Some of it was good, and the rest wasn't.

But I'm not going to complain, I had a lot of fun with friends, being able to see movies, or just talk and laugh and play card games. But those are the best things in life; the little things, and those are what matter most to us. Some of us might be the kind of people who want to do something big, or want to have something big happen, in fact, I am definitely one of those people, but it's a new year, and before I plan big, I start with the little things first. I want to travel, I make it happen somehow by knowing what's on the calendar. I want to get a job, I start with a resume. What I am trying to do right now is that I'm starting small before the plans get bigger. I mean, why plan big if it's only going to blow up in your face??? Start small, and get to the big plans later. Thank you all so much for supporting my first year as a blogger, and happy new year!!!!