Sorry I haven't been able to update you for the past two months. I relocated to texas for a couple years to complete an associates in Early Childhood Education online, as well as continue to learn ASL (American Sign Language), and on top of that I'm a full-time nanny to a couple and their first child (so exciting!). This is also another update post about me. I need to tell you something. I know that blogs are usually for people telling others about things that happen, but I just need you to listen for a sec. The butterflies are swirling in my stomach as I write this, but I'm going to press on. I have changed my pronouns, and they are "she/they". I don't find myself non-binary because I identify as a girl and/or woman. However, my life has been one where self-development hasn't had much time to begin let alone happen, so to try to sort things out, I have decided to go with "she/they" for now because this offers me space to breathe, figure out who I am, and begin building. Life is about learning about who you are, and this is the best way I know how for myself so that things can start to make sense a little more. I also feel that there's just so much me, and so much potential with that, that it can't exactly be fit into one word.
So I'm saying that I identify as a cis female. In terms of where sexuality is concerned, that makes me cishet (cisgender, heterosexual). How do I feel about this announcement and self-realization? Nervous, but there's a layer of calm and peace about it if you can believe it. Talking about it in a public platform like this is nerve-wracking, but I want to be honest with myself as well as with you guys, and this is also where I start accepting who I am and that development and growth will start and that it will be good, even in the hard bits. Now I'm not going to be tetchy with the "they" thing; you can keep calling me "she" or "her". The word "they" is mostly for me because that word means there's a building space, and there's room for growth and exploration and development. The funny thing is, I've been thinking about this quite a bit, especially today. I know that I'm a person, with a name, with family and friends, and a history, but for me, I feel in terms of personal growth, things still feel quite blank, like I'm still figuring out who I am, like a blog post that's still under writing construction, to put it mildly. Let's put it like this: I don't prefer to think of myself as a filing cabinet with sharp corners and drawers where things are separated and categorized; I'd rather like to think of myself as more of a rolodex: things are together and not separate, but they're all together and still categorized, and rather in a circle instead of that of a rectangular file cabinet. Feel free to talk to me about what I'm saying in this post, I'm still figuring all this out as I just decided this today. Nothing about me will change, but I think today marks the start of something that I think will end up being really, really good.
I know. Haven't posted much. There's been.....a LOT that's happened that's kept me busy and preoccupied (sometimes not in the best ways, but more on that later). When it comes to the breakup, I'm doing better. Still have bad days, but they're usually not about that anymore which I think is a good sign. Been doing family counseling and it's been working wonders for the possibility of things being able to be stitched back together. But man, oh man. It's been a year. For everyone, I think (which is a pretty obvious statement to make but anyway). I'm rambling a bit, but I'm hoping that anyone who reads this blog is happy to read *almost* anything I churn out, even if it's just rambling. When it comes to music, it's my go-to for basically any and every situation: roadtrips, short car trips, while I'm taking a shower, while doing chores; just anytime and anywhere I usually have music with me.
Sometimes music is also the only way I can cope or hang on during crazy situations where I feel like I'm hanging onto the thin thread hanging between breaking completely and not breaking completely, and sometimes there are cracks that show up. I've been in the process of accepting some, but also working on finding ways to heal others. My music taste is definitely everywhere; sometimes I'm in the mood for pop, or alternative rock, chill tunes, or sometimes sad stuff. I was in the Sad Stuff Phase for a bit, but I'm coming out of it slowly but surely. One song that's been resonating with me lately is "Hyperballad", a song by an artist by the name of Bjork. Well I'm listening to a cover of her song, mostly because acoustic anything has just been a thing for me since last year. What the song talks about is doing something dangerous like throwing things off a cliff when things feel "too safe" and doing something dangerous just feels good to do for some reason.
Admittedly, the song is a *bit* morbid, but I'm just that kind of person who kinda likes that sometimes. People have hard times and are able to put it into song or through a poem, which then voices what the listener or reader is unable to say themselves. I honestly like this song because although it may be just a bit dark in terms of theme, I find that analogy of throwing stuff off a cliff to decompress and also detox pretty apropos. I've had a lot to deal with last year, and there has been stuff to deal with this year; particularly guilt connected to my childhood and how I acted, emotions towards my dad, dysfunctional family situations, that kind of thing. Sometimes people need to do something physical in order to deal with a situation, but it's also possible for people to picture finding solutions to problems or navigating difficult emotional processes in a different way so that they can make it easier for themselves to understand. When it comes to navigating being diagnosed with different things (like depression and PTSD), I've used easy things so that I can understand them better and then figure out how to work on overcoming both, which I haven't done all the way yet, that's still a work in progress. I pictured depression as losing what made me balanced, and what I lost was put in the center of a maze, and I had to work to get that back, but sometimes depression left me split into different parts of who I was: irritability, normal, and over-the-top happiness (on days that I thought were good but actually were not).
PTSD I pictured as having memories that were blocked, but the ones that weren't were accepted as part of me, and I've come to accept my history is mine and that there's more of me to unlock and accept. It's also breaking out of the construct of pain, fear, hurt and lies that may have been told to me or that I've told myself in order to keep going and survive the day. In terms of the song "Hyperballad", the picture of finding stuff to throw off a cliff is actually not a bad idea to adopt (at least in terms of making things easier to understand). Letting go of toxic situations, things that were done to you mentally, emotionally or even physically is hard. The idea of even letting go of it is preposterous as sometimes it's such a deep wound there are days where you wonder if you're actually going to heal or if you'll just be broken and suffering in silence for the rest of your life.
Going on a hike is hard, especially if it's up a mountain. But if there's a destination or something to do once you get to the top, you have a goal. Which makes coming down off that mountain easier to bear, because there's always the rest of the day to look forward to, and everything that you were worried about or dealing with before is either in the back of your mind, not being given any attention, or even gone entirely. I know it's not the most elegant concept, but listening to the song on repeat kinda gives me a weird sense of hope. Throwing stuff off a cliff and watching it break on the rocks isn't the most elegant of pictures. If we're being honest, broken stuff is always something we find chaotic, painful, and ugly even. But I don't find it difficult to picture myself throwing stuff off a mountain cliff. It's physical objects, yeah. But if they represent something (guilt, self-blame/hatred, depression, anger, etc.), the idea of that stuff being breakable makes me feel stronger in a way. It means there's hope that one day the last thing will be thrown off that mountain cliff, pieces will fly, but I'll be free and ready to meet the rest of the day and all the hope and potential that's in it. The trip down from the mountain cliff means the possibility of something new, and starting the day without anything dark that used to hold you back. That's just the way I see it, anyway. The work is definitely not pretty, it does cause pain and tears at times, but if it means that being broken now means being completely fixed later, then I say that the journey is completely worth it in the end.
I know that this was a LOT of rambling, but I decided to include the song cover in my post. I will listen to the actual song eventually but for some reason this guy's voice combined with an acoustic guitar is REALLY nice to listen to for some reason (especially in stressful situations).
Thanks for reading, and happy tuesday! I'll make sure to post more stuff on this blog this year as much as I can!
