Please bear with me here, because I'm gonna get as honest as I can on the internet with this sort of thing. I'm going to phrase this as a "family difficulty" because that's the best term that I have for it. To say it that way though is like using a super polite word to explain something that you just want to keep secret. I have talked about it with family and a couple of friends, so it's not like I'm suffering in silence, but here goes: my parents are going through the process of taking a break and getting space, and because of some frustrations that have come up, it's become likely that the break will be a permanent one. How am I doing with this? I'm not exactly like screaming and weeping, but there's a lot of anger and frustration at how things are being handled sometimes. My siblings and I are going to be moving with my mom and my dad is out of the house already, coming over every now and then to collect his stuff for storage to be moved into another place in the future. I don't want to be cliche, but I never thought this would happen. Separation and divorce in families, but I never thought something like this would happen with mine. While picking up my brother from his basketball practice, I was listening to a song of Coldplay's called "Don't Panic", and the chorus consists of the lines "we live in a beautiful world/yeah we do, yeah we do/" I was singing along but then I started thinking and I realized that at the moment, I'm not living in a beautiful world.
What makes the world beautiful are friends, families, and the things you do that help to make the world and your life beautiful. I realize that since New Year's Day, things around me and myself personally have changed drastically. On december 31st, I had no idea that there was a large amount of conflict that I knew nothing of, which I know about now that my mom has been working on the stuff for a legal break-taking, along with the moving, and my dad coming over to pack his things. I know that none of it was my fault, I think this is supposed to happen, even though I don't want it to. I feel like most times I'm happy, but I feel like it's an emotion I need to have in order to not think about what's happening too much and also because other people need to see a smile and not a frown unless I'm confused or flustered about something or other. Most of the time I feel like my main two emotions are frustration and anger because this is all happening to me, my siblings, and my parents. And I don't know how to cope at times. It's not major depression like I used to have but I think it's mostly intense sadness that's been happening. Everyone feels it at the moment. I do have support so that's working out all right. As long as I have someone to talk to about how I'm really feeling I usually end up fine. I wasn't able to actually release emotionally, which is a coping mechanism I used when my older sister was getting married. But I listened to the song "This Is Me" from The Greatest Showman, and it loosened up tears that were all tightened up. I've been crying more which is a sign of release but this isn't going to be an easy transition for any of us.
I hope I'm not spoiling the movie for people who haven't seen The Greatest Showman yet, but I think this is the most powerful song to come from a movie musical like this.
Thanks for reading/watching, and happy thursday!
