It's been a while. I know, I know. Haven't posted anything since new year's. And I take full responsibility for it, things happened, like going back to school after christmas break and getting back into routine, and focusing on my relationship on top of everything else which needed moments of hard talks but fortunately we've been great by the way, and oh yeah, the virus. (Yes, there is passive aggression, sorry). Since I got evacuated from school because of the virus, it's been a transition from a familiar environment and a fixed schedule to online school in a familiar environment surrounded by unfamiliar and somewhat stressful events. Oh, and I've also been doing counseling again. I'm somewhat happy about it and somewhat bummed, because most times I've done counseling I always end up leaving with a diagnosis of some kind. This time it was certified PTSD (and/or PTS if you want to be technically politically correct). Also mild depression on top of that. I figured as much about that one, though. I used to have basic depression, and I've done a lot of work to move on from that part of it, but I still have bad days, which are highlighted by good ones. Honestly, it's hard to be diagnosed with different things when you just want to be some form of healthy human being. I figured I had some form of PTSD after talking about it with my mom in depth, so I wasn't surprised when I was told that I had it by a professional, but it also meant that there was a part of me that was broken that needed to be fixed. I mean obviously there are people who always have a broken piece or two that they either live with or get fixed. I choose to fix my broken as much as possible so that I can move on and make better memories after having the past couple of years be somewhat shaded by sad moments. It's going to be a journey for sure, but it'll be one that's rewarding in the end, even if there are moments where things need to come up to the surface that are too painful to think about, and believe me I have some of those, not afraid to admit it. But I have hope, despite all the crazy that's going on in the world at the moment. Will I press through? Yes I will. Having to write about this stuff again reminds me of that post I made about the Doctor Who episode "Caerdroia". I feel like I got to the right place, but it also feels like I have a long way to go still when it comes to talking things out and healing. All I'm hoping for is the strength to confront all that happened and all that might be buried deep and break through and come out the other side a better and stronger person. Now that I think about it, watching the latest series of Doctor Who has helped me have something to relate to. The last episode of series 12, the doctor finds out that she's an entirely different species than she thought, and that the time lords (aliens that she thought she belonged to) took a lot from her and left a good space of her mind blank because of it. I think that's the best way that I can describe PTSD for myself: there's history and scars, but not all of it is accessible, and it's going to take a lot of work to uncover as much as possible and work through it so that I'm able to do the healing that's needed. Honestly I figure much of the work will look something like this:
Anyhoo, thanks for reading! I hope to write some more on this blog given that I have the time to do a little more of it now!
Until next time, then!
