New Year's Eve 12/31/19

As the clock continues to move towards midnight and the start of a new year, I have been thinking about the past year and a half and how things have changed so drastically for my life, both at school and at home. At school, roommates have moved around, and some have left. I'm still figuring out my friend group as sophomore year has given me the ability to be friendly with people and carry mealtime conversations, but as far as having a friend group goes, I'm still working on it. I've had some scrapes, a few frustrations, and a breakdown here and there, but I've managed to work through all of that stuff. There was also the hurdle that was my parent's divorce that I had to get through, but being at school in minnesota where I had the privilege of daily interaction with healthy role models and spiritually healthy peers helped soothe the wounds that had been left in the aftermath as I was struggling with feelings of abandonment, rejection, and anger. It's also surprised me in terms of relationships: in the past few months, I have been given the blessing of someone who I wasn't expecting to come this early: a boyfriend, which daily continues to be a surprise in of itself. I honestly didn't think it was in the cards this year as it's been a tough year and a half, but we've managed to hold each other up through the weeks of school and required events, surprisingly. What's nice is that we know what we're like when under pressure (finals, and all that jazz). It's also pretty amazing to have another half that balances me out so well, cause I know that I'm a feisty person, but he's able to cope with the feisty which even though it's surprising, it's really kinda nice. Other things that I've been learning this year is that it's good to slow down, underline the deep important lines in books or in my devotions or even when I'm reading a book for fun, and remember to just keep looking back at the lines of scripture or wisdom that impacted me and how it can apply to daily life. Because for a good part of my life, I was so focused on surviving that I never really got an opportunity to slow down and really think about things that stood out to me that could be used as applicable advice later. I've also had to relearn a few things, especially in my relationship with God. Because to be honest, my life was so up and down, that I spent a lot of time being back and forth with believing and actually trying to be a christian. There'd be a good period, and things would be fine in terms of my walk, but then there'd be a snag that'd last a couple years and I'd just start floundering. This pattern continued for a few years, and I got sick and tired of it. It took some journaling during a time of prayer and focus that got me to understand the big picture, and since then I've been trying to remain constant, while trying to listen for His voice, which I do hear sometimes. Not all religious walks are perfect, least of all mine, but I'm working on it, and it's really just one day, one prayer, and one listening session at a time. Are there things I'd like to grow in this year? I'd like to learn how to be more of a significant other, and work on areas that I might be lacking in, but there's patience and growing room, which I will be forever grateful for. I'd like to have better relationships with my younger siblings, as they've been going through the worst of the divorce, since me a couple of my other siblings who are slightly older than my two little sisters were old enough to be "legally emancipated" from all the proceedings with custody and parenting plans. Obviously I'm going to try and stay in shape, and not let any future papers or assignments get me freaked out easily. There are going to be some more upcoming challenges in the next year, but I'm strong enough to get through them, with a little help when I need it. And another thing that I want to improve in is asking for help and communicating with others in the right time frame so that I'm not leaving anyone in the dark until the last possible second. There will be mistakes, and there will be times where I've forgotten the promises that I'm trying to make to myself in order to be better, but there's also something else that I'm working on improving: patience, and forgiving myself, day by day. It'll be a process, but hey, what isn't in this crazy toss around called life? Anyway, sorry that the first time that I'm posting any new material is tonight, cause I know that some of you have been waiting for new material, but it's been a year, and I'm not making any promises, but I'm planning on writing for my blog while trying to write my papers.

Thanks for reading!

A former roommate showed me this song and it kinda reminds me of what the past year and a half has been like for me, and I wanted to share it.