New Year's Eve 12/31/19

As the clock continues to move towards midnight and the start of a new year, I have been thinking about the past year and a half and how things have changed so drastically for my life, both at school and at home. At school, roommates have moved around, and some have left. I'm still figuring out my friend group as sophomore year has given me the ability to be friendly with people and carry mealtime conversations, but as far as having a friend group goes, I'm still working on it. I've had some scrapes, a few frustrations, and a breakdown here and there, but I've managed to work through all of that stuff. There was also the hurdle that was my parent's divorce that I had to get through, but being at school in minnesota where I had the privilege of daily interaction with healthy role models and spiritually healthy peers helped soothe the wounds that had been left in the aftermath as I was struggling with feelings of abandonment, rejection, and anger. It's also surprised me in terms of relationships: in the past few months, I have been given the blessing of someone who I wasn't expecting to come this early: a boyfriend, which daily continues to be a surprise in of itself. I honestly didn't think it was in the cards this year as it's been a tough year and a half, but we've managed to hold each other up through the weeks of school and required events, surprisingly. What's nice is that we know what we're like when under pressure (finals, and all that jazz). It's also pretty amazing to have another half that balances me out so well, cause I know that I'm a feisty person, but he's able to cope with the feisty which even though it's surprising, it's really kinda nice. Other things that I've been learning this year is that it's good to slow down, underline the deep important lines in books or in my devotions or even when I'm reading a book for fun, and remember to just keep looking back at the lines of scripture or wisdom that impacted me and how it can apply to daily life. Because for a good part of my life, I was so focused on surviving that I never really got an opportunity to slow down and really think about things that stood out to me that could be used as applicable advice later. I've also had to relearn a few things, especially in my relationship with God. Because to be honest, my life was so up and down, that I spent a lot of time being back and forth with believing and actually trying to be a christian. There'd be a good period, and things would be fine in terms of my walk, but then there'd be a snag that'd last a couple years and I'd just start floundering. This pattern continued for a few years, and I got sick and tired of it. It took some journaling during a time of prayer and focus that got me to understand the big picture, and since then I've been trying to remain constant, while trying to listen for His voice, which I do hear sometimes. Not all religious walks are perfect, least of all mine, but I'm working on it, and it's really just one day, one prayer, and one listening session at a time. Are there things I'd like to grow in this year? I'd like to learn how to be more of a significant other, and work on areas that I might be lacking in, but there's patience and growing room, which I will be forever grateful for. I'd like to have better relationships with my younger siblings, as they've been going through the worst of the divorce, since me a couple of my other siblings who are slightly older than my two little sisters were old enough to be "legally emancipated" from all the proceedings with custody and parenting plans. Obviously I'm going to try and stay in shape, and not let any future papers or assignments get me freaked out easily. There are going to be some more upcoming challenges in the next year, but I'm strong enough to get through them, with a little help when I need it. And another thing that I want to improve in is asking for help and communicating with others in the right time frame so that I'm not leaving anyone in the dark until the last possible second. There will be mistakes, and there will be times where I've forgotten the promises that I'm trying to make to myself in order to be better, but there's also something else that I'm working on improving: patience, and forgiving myself, day by day. It'll be a process, but hey, what isn't in this crazy toss around called life? Anyway, sorry that the first time that I'm posting any new material is tonight, cause I know that some of you have been waiting for new material, but it's been a year, and I'm not making any promises, but I'm planning on writing for my blog while trying to write my papers.

Thanks for reading!

A former roommate showed me this song and it kinda reminds me of what the past year and a half has been like for me, and I wanted to share it. 

Spring 2019 update (that's just a year too late, sorry!)

Welp. Been a long time, hasn't it. But then again, college kinda takes all the time that you have and fills every second with homework, classes, papers, and all that jazz. In terms of an update, where do I start? Let's see: moved to a new school in a new state, with new people, a new schedule, basically new everything. Every day of every week is pretty packed: I have classes from 8-noon on Monday, class from 9-noon on Tuesday, classes on Wednesday that are about an hour each, and then on Tuesdays and Fridays I have chapel which goes from about 150 in the afternoon to 2 in the afternoon.  Then on top of that, I have a job that helps pay tuition that I'm required to spend several hours doing during the week, not to mention the required fitness sessions, church (which hasn't been bad, honestly), and outreach, but since mine is on Sundays, I don't have much to worry about on that end. How am I doing, you may ask? It's been a process, for sure. My parents have been going through the court system while finalizing their divorce about custody and all that. It sucks, but I think it sucks less on my end because I'm finally far enough away from the madness to not be as bothered by it anymore. There are days where I do miss my dad, though. I miss the "bigger than me" of it, actually. When someone you love is bigger than you in terms of height, stature and build, you realize just how comforting that is and how you can take it for granted. but anyway, while I've been here, I've made friends, opened up about past and present wounds, the scars that are still healing, and the scars that refuse to heal. And being open hurts, but it ends up doing a lot of good in the end. There have been a couple rough snags recently, as I've been discovering that I might need to reevaluate some relationships that I've been in this semester so that I can find a way to be healthy mentally and spiritually. I feel that I've transitioned into a whole other place than I was emotionally recently. Not going to go into details, but all I can say is that sometimes you think that something might work out but then something happens and you're thrown for a loop-the-loop or just a particularly sharp turn.


But it has helped me put things into perspective a bit. I'm realizing that I have a lot of maturing to do in the area of love, as I don't really know what that is, really. I thought I knew what it was (like every kid does when they look at their parents), but due to certain recent circumstances, I'm finding that I'm very clueless about it all, as any person would be due to their parents marriage ending a different way than the kid initially thought it would. But I've come to realize something: I got so focused on the love that people can give, that I forgot to focus on the love that God Himself gives. I think this is something that every day believers can forget a lot, if that's not too crazy of an idea. Yesterday, I was watching The Gospel of John (for school purposes, although it wasn't assigned), because I thought I could get some good notes on it. And boy, did I ever. The movie was word-for-word of the readable version, and when it got to chapter 17 when Jesus was praying for His disciples before being arrested and dying in the cruelest way possible, I was just floored by the way He was praying for them. It kinda helped me see that part of love where you care for someone so much that it's to the point where it's above your own needs, and I just couldn't believe it. As I think about it, love is really so big a concept that it can't really be condensed into just one version. Sure, there might be some people out there who are reading this and thinking "duh, OF COURSE love is a bigger concept that it's perceived to be by humanity" but I think I'm still learning the basics of it. I know that love is patient, love is kind, yeah. But I didn't really know, you know? When you're a kid memorizing bible verses in Sunday school or memorizing them because your mom wants you to, you don't really think about the depth of them.

You're just memorizing them because you know that on a couple levels on intellect that they're important, but you don't end up realizing just how capital "I" important they really are until you have a big "aha!" moment, and realize. Not to get all theological or anything, but it's just such a "wow" factor for me right now. What's also funny is that you never really listen to certain lyrics of certain songs until you're really ready to understand. The bridge part of this song is something that I've been starting to really pay attention to: "I see what I made in your mother's womb/I see the day I fell in love with you/I see your tomorrows, nothing left to chance/I see my father's fingerprints". Listening to this song before, I was like, "this is so encouraging." But now that I'm listening to this song now after having listened to it for so long I'm thinking "this may be a christian artist who's singing a song that Jesus might say and think about us, but I think that Jesus actually says this." I just haven't really actually listened till now. The second half of the bridge is what really gets me: "You see the struggle, you see the shame/I see the reason I came". Which actually is making me realize that I've been caring so much about the struggle of being on my own as well as dealing with stuff that's happening at home and the shame of not being as whole as I'd like to be spiritually and emotionally, that I've actually forgotten about the love that Jesus has for me. It's a stupid thing to do, but doesn't it happen to everyone now and then? There's not a lot of time that a college student can take to slow down, take a breather and listen, but sometimes there are moments of  peace that can be grabbed now and then, sometimes in a nap, being alone for a bit, or listening to music that really grab you and give you hope that things will clear up eventually. I'm on the road to recovery, and although I'm getting closer to the endpoint, I have a ways to go, so if you guys could just keep me in your prayers it would be appreciated. Sometimes I screw up and forget the monumental love for me that exists, and I'll own that, being human and all. But I think things are gonna turn around for me, just not right now. I've posted the song for those of you who are discouraged or feeling like you might be starting to forget, too, in case you need a reminder. Thanks for putting up with the lengthy post, and happy Sunday!

I'll follow up with a post about how things at school have been soon, I promise. I'll make time and also learn to manage time a bit better so I can come back to writing for this.