Hey, guys!
I know. Haven't posted much. There's been.....a LOT that's happened that's kept me busy and preoccupied (sometimes not in the best ways, but more on that later). When it comes to the breakup, I'm doing better. Still have bad days, but they're usually not about that anymore which I think is a good sign. Been doing family counseling and it's been working wonders for the possibility of things being able to be stitched back together. But man, oh man. It's been a year. For everyone, I think (which is a pretty obvious statement to make but anyway). I'm rambling a bit, but I'm hoping that anyone who reads this blog is happy to read *almost* anything I churn out, even if it's just rambling. When it comes to music, it's my go-to for basically any and every situation: roadtrips, short car trips, while I'm taking a shower, while doing chores; just anytime and anywhere I usually have music with me.
Sometimes music is also the only way I can cope or hang on during crazy situations where I feel like I'm hanging onto the thin thread hanging between breaking completely and not breaking completely, and sometimes there are cracks that show up. I've been in the process of accepting some, but also working on finding ways to heal others. My music taste is definitely everywhere; sometimes I'm in the mood for pop, or alternative rock, chill tunes, or sometimes sad stuff. I was in the Sad Stuff Phase for a bit, but I'm coming out of it slowly but surely. One song that's been resonating with me lately is "Hyperballad", a song by an artist by the name of Bjork. Well I'm listening to a cover of her song, mostly because acoustic anything has just been a thing for me since last year. What the song talks about is doing something dangerous like throwing things off a cliff when things feel "too safe" and doing something dangerous just feels good to do for some reason.
Admittedly, the song is a *bit* morbid, but I'm just that kind of person who kinda likes that sometimes. People have hard times and are able to put it into song or through a poem, which then voices what the listener or reader is unable to say themselves. I honestly like this song because although it may be just a bit dark in terms of theme, I find that analogy of throwing stuff off a cliff to decompress and also detox pretty apropos. I've had a lot to deal with last year, and there has been stuff to deal with this year; particularly guilt connected to my childhood and how I acted, emotions towards my dad, dysfunctional family situations, that kind of thing. Sometimes people need to do something physical in order to deal with a situation, but it's also possible for people to picture finding solutions to problems or navigating difficult emotional processes in a different way so that they can make it easier for themselves to understand. When it comes to navigating being diagnosed with different things (like depression and PTSD), I've used easy things so that I can understand them better and then figure out how to work on overcoming both, which I haven't done all the way yet, that's still a work in progress. I pictured depression as losing what made me balanced, and what I lost was put in the center of a maze, and I had to work to get that back, but sometimes depression left me split into different parts of who I was: irritability, normal, and over-the-top happiness (on days that I thought were good but actually were not).
PTSD I pictured as having memories that were blocked, but the ones that weren't were accepted as part of me, and I've come to accept my history is mine and that there's more of me to unlock and accept. It's also breaking out of the construct of pain, fear, hurt and lies that may have been told to me or that I've told myself in order to keep going and survive the day. In terms of the song "Hyperballad", the picture of finding stuff to throw off a cliff is actually not a bad idea to adopt (at least in terms of making things easier to understand). Letting go of toxic situations, things that were done to you mentally, emotionally or even physically is hard. The idea of even letting go of it is preposterous as sometimes it's such a deep wound there are days where you wonder if you're actually going to heal or if you'll just be broken and suffering in silence for the rest of your life.
Going on a hike is hard, especially if it's up a mountain. But if there's a destination or something to do once you get to the top, you have a goal. Which makes coming down off that mountain easier to bear, because there's always the rest of the day to look forward to, and everything that you were worried about or dealing with before is either in the back of your mind, not being given any attention, or even gone entirely. I know it's not the most elegant concept, but listening to the song on repeat kinda gives me a weird sense of hope. Throwing stuff off a cliff and watching it break on the rocks isn't the most elegant of pictures. If we're being honest, broken stuff is always something we find chaotic, painful, and ugly even. But I don't find it difficult to picture myself throwing stuff off a mountain cliff. It's physical objects, yeah. But if they represent something (guilt, self-blame/hatred, depression, anger, etc.), the idea of that stuff being breakable makes me feel stronger in a way. It means there's hope that one day the last thing will be thrown off that mountain cliff, pieces will fly, but I'll be free and ready to meet the rest of the day and all the hope and potential that's in it. The trip down from the mountain cliff means the possibility of something new, and starting the day without anything dark that used to hold you back. That's just the way I see it, anyway. The work is definitely not pretty, it does cause pain and tears at times, but if it means that being broken now means being completely fixed later, then I say that the journey is completely worth it in the end.
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