2023 Poetry Curation Project

 These are the five poems that stood out to me the most from what I've learned. Here is my list in video form. 

"Do not go gentle" - by Dylan Thomas, read by Michael Sheen

"Homage to the Empress of Blues" - by Robert Hayden 

"Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore" - by William Shakespeare

"The Victims" - written by Sharon Olds 

"Barbie Doll" - written by Marge Piercy 

How I chose these five poems is that I see these poems as narrations for phases of my life. "Do not go gentle" reminds me of the fact that I was depressed for a bit in my late teens, and it took a lot to fight my way out of it. The way that Dylan Thomas wrote the poem in such a resigned but angry way talks about not giving up just yet, that really spoke to me. Homage to the Empress of Blues reminds me of the way that music was helpful in a lot of ways to me as I got through different difficulties of my life. Barbie Doll speaks to me in a way that helps me understand that my struggle with my body image is seen, and although the poem is short and to the point and ends in tragedy, it shows me that I can write a different ending to my version. The poem "The Victims" makes me think about when my parents divorced, and how much better our lives got after my mom and dad's marriage ended. As sad as it was, there are less consequences for my siblings and I then there are for my dad. 

What I understand from what I've learned about poetry is that fiction can be bent, twisted and shaped into whatever a person wants essentially. Through the many types of poetry, a story can be told, or a random sentence, a cry for help, a grief-filled plea, etc. But they all have structure in some way. Although building a foundation requires a blueprint, all buildings are different in their design, which is how I think poetry works as well. 

March 2023

 Hi all. So it’s…..been a while. I’m at another school in Kansas, I’ve been participating in their performing arts program, been working on keeping grades up, and just living life as well as a person can. And there have been a lot of changes and transitions, and things I’ve been discovering about myself. So, a while ago, I changed my pronouns to “she/they”, and was fine with that for a while. Then I had a bit of some more changes where it didn’t feel like those were the right pronouns, and I started experimenting with chest binding (which went kinda sorta okay even though I don’t have actual binders to use), and played around with calling myself “Cameron”. But then after doing that, writing my actual name out for some reason felt better, and I think I accepted something about myself, I just didn’t know what yet. Then recently, I started watching The Last of Us, and one of the actors, Bella Ramsey (who plays Ellie), is genderqueer. Mostly I was kinda like “oh, cool”, but then the more articles I was seeing about them, something kinda clicked, and this past Thursday, I realized what it was. All my life, besides feeling like a girl and/or feminine, I’ve always felt a “something-other-ness”. 

And now I realize that that “something-other-ness” was that I’m actually genderqueer. And I have decided to change my name a bit from “Mariah” to “Mari”, because that also feels right. I think I was also always meant to have multiple pronouns, because I was always more than I actually thought, I just didn’t realize it till now. From what I can understand, what being genderqueer means (according to google) is “a person whose gender identity does not correspond to conventional binary gender distinctions”. And honestly, I couldn’t find a more perfect definition for the kind of person I am and always have been. 

I’m still figuring out what being genderqueer means for me, since it can be interpreted different ways by different people, but I want to make my identity my own, so it’ll be a journey for sure, but I will enjoy every step along the way. So, allow me to introduce myself: 

Hi! I’m Mari, and my pronouns are whichever ones you want to use. The ones I like to go by personally are she/he/they, but I’m fine with whatever you’re comfortable with. Thank you for being here. 

Sorry I haven’t written in a while, I will work on posting more often when I can. 

Happy Monday! 

Christianity & The Clone Wars

 

I know what you're thinking, I do usually try to keep my blogs separate. But I've been talking about different parallels between different religious institutions and the mixing of politics with a friend recently and I've started seeing similarities in some things. Like the relevance of the Dune book series that continues still today, there are very relevant points to be considered from standard pop culture, such as Dave Filoni's Star Wars: The Clone Wars. The premise of it entails different situations where the jedi and their clone armies go fight baddies, while learning things along the way (sometimes). There were several things I found interesting as I watched through all seven seasons of the show. 

In pop culture such as Star Wars, the Jedi are known to be peacekeepers, fighting for what's right, defending the weak and helpless, and striving for what's true, while depending on the light side of the Force to guide them through these challenges and their every day lives. In this show however, they end up making some questionable decisions, that end up contradicting what they initially stand for. In the end, the jedi end up being destroyed, Anakin becomes Darth Vader, and the Empire is set to subjugate every known galaxy for a number of years. The clones (the ones who survive the 3-year long war), are left to pick up the pieces, and even wonder who they are as people when they're not needed to help fight as soldiers. The question asked by the bad guys in every other episode of the show is this heavy-hitter: "the jedi are peacekeeping, noble warriors, so what are they doing getting involved in politics and fighting a war?" I know that the standard christian don't have force sensitive capabilities, but they have a similar code to the jedi: love God, love people, fight for what's right, and be willing to serve. There have been many wars that have been fought in history, but the problem with christianity nowadays I feel, is that christians have allowed themselves to become involved in politics to where it's become part of who they are as people, much like the politics of the clone wars became part of who the jedi were. Frank Herbert (author of the Dune series) puts it like this: "You cannot avoid the interplay of politics within an orthodox religion. The power struggle permeates the training, education and discipline of the orthodox community. Because of this pressure, the leaders of such a community must face that ultimate internal question: to succumb to complete opportunism as the price of maintaining their rule, or risk sacrificing themselves for the sake of the orthodox ethic". 

Here's where the Jedi went wrong: ultimately, they gave up who they were, gave up what kept them unique from everyone else as an order, to fight a war that ultimately yielded no positive results in the end. The planets they visited and fought on questioned the ethics of the jedi who were participating in the war, and wondered what went wrong that changed their stance on peace and the task of keeping it. Nowadays, I wonder about the same thing about the evangelical church. Remember that when Jesus came to earth, people were expecting a warrior to bring about change that meant forcing the Romans out and giving Israel back to it's people, and they got someone completely different, who taught that it was better to be peacemakers, who loved all, fought for what was right, and to stand up for the weak and broken when necessary. Such a radical belief system was not widely accepted, but some were able to take it in and live it out. In present day however, it's a far different picture. Christians have become so embroiled in politics that it's become a part of them, and they're willing to do whatever it takes to make things happen. I'm a part of the generation that has spent childhood in church, but currently I am in the process of deconstructing my faith, and figuring out where I fit in all of it. The clones in the show have a similar struggle. All are bred to fight, all follow the idea that they're fighting for a good cause that'll have a great victory in the end. Some follow orders, and feel comfortable doing it. Others follow orders, and question them always. Some even wonder who they'll be after the war is over, when they've just been soldiers, and it's the only life they've ever known. In one instance, even a padawan learner started questioning the ethics of the jedi, and eventually left to figure things out on her own. 

The problem we face today is that christians have forgotten how it all started: with a simple human man who was also divine, who came to a world full of hurt and broken-hearted people, and showed them that there was light still, and there was hope to have yet. That there was actually "Good News", and it was to be shared with everyone. Now, christians are biased, sometimes even prejudiced, and blinded to the cause of those who are being targeted because of their race, gender/sexuality orientation/etc., when we're supposed to love people for who they are. Jesus hung out with tax collectors, prostitutes, you name it. The Jedi were striving for perfection while weaving politics into their code, which made them and their practice a heavy weight on the scales of the force, when it was supposed to be balanced, believing they could keep the ideals and integrity they had before the war started, when really they were ruining their own reputation as their participation in the war continued to be a constant. Christianity has forgotten their origin point, and what their "code" is, preferring to weave politics into their beliefs, to the point where it's become a religion of rigidity, one that offers no solace, sanctuary, or support to those who need it the most, and yet, they think that they're the same as they always have been, and don't see the drastic changes that have completely gotten rid of the original ideals and beliefs that were a part of the original christian "code", as it were. 

As time has gone on, I have seen more and more people turn away from the faith, because it's not what they thought it was. Different prejudices have made people skeptical, wondering if christians are capable of the love and acceptance that's spoken of in the bible. I see them wondering why if they're supposed to be preaching God's love and they're supposed to be "peacekeepers" in a way, why are they getting so involved in politics that it's twisting the morals into what's they're not supposed to be? Why is christianity continuing to get more and more nationalistic instead of being separate from it? Jesus said to be in the world but not of it, and being in the world to christians apparently means mixing politics with dogma. The two are actually more like oil and water; they always end up separate with one always on top, and even when stirred together, they are always separate in the end, never alike in any way. Here's another quote from Frank Herbert I'll leave you with: "when religion and politics travel in the same cart, the riders believe nothing can stand in their way. Their movements become headlong--faster and faster and faster. They put aside all thoughts of obstacles and forget the precipice does not show itself to the man in a blind rush until it's too late." The jedi thought they could put the politics and the war in the same "cart" as their beliefs, morals, and their code. What was waiting for them at the precipice was order 66 and the looming threat of the empire that Palpatine had been working towards for a long time. I'm not saying the same fate is at the edge of the precipice for christians who combine religion and politics, but I am saying that at some point there will be consequences, and I shudder to think at what those might be. It's not too late to slow down and reevaluate; it never has been too late. 

July 2021

 Hi, guys!

Sorry I haven't been able to update you for the past two months. I relocated to texas for a couple years to complete an associates in Early Childhood Education online, as well as continue to learn ASL (American Sign Language), and on top of that I'm a full-time nanny to a couple and their first child (so exciting!). This is also another update post about me. I need to tell you something. I know that blogs are usually for people telling others about things that happen, but I just need you to listen for a sec. The butterflies are swirling in my stomach as I write this, but I'm going to press on. I have changed my pronouns, and they are "she/they". I don't find myself non-binary because I identify as a girl and/or woman. However, my life has been one where self-development hasn't had much time to begin let alone happen, so to try to sort things out, I have decided to go with "she/they" for now because this offers me space to breathe, figure out who I am, and begin building. Life is about learning about who you are, and this is the best way I know how for myself so that things can start to make sense a little more. I also feel that there's just so much me, and so much potential with that, that it can't exactly be fit into one word. 

So I'm saying that I identify as a cis female. In terms of where sexuality is concerned, that makes me cishet (cisgender, heterosexual). How do I feel about this announcement and self-realization? Nervous, but there's a layer of calm and peace about it if you can believe it. Talking about it in a public platform like this is nerve-wracking, but I want to be honest with myself as well as with you guys, and this is also where I start accepting who I am and that development and growth will start and that it will be good, even in the hard bits. Now I'm not going to be tetchy with the "they" thing; you can keep calling me "she" or "her". The word "they" is mostly for me because that word means there's a building space, and there's room for growth and exploration and development. The funny thing is, I've been thinking about this quite a bit, especially today. I know that I'm a person, with a name, with family and friends, and a history, but for me, I feel in terms of personal growth, things still feel quite blank, like I'm still figuring out who I am, like a blog post that's still under writing construction, to put it mildly. Let's put it like this: I don't prefer to think of myself as a filing cabinet with sharp corners and drawers where things are separated and categorized; I'd rather like to think of myself as more of a rolodex: things are together and not separate, but they're all together and still categorized, and rather in a circle instead of that of a rectangular file cabinet. Feel free to talk to me about what I'm saying in this post, I'm still figuring all this out as I just decided this today. Nothing about me will change, but I think today marks the start of something that I think will end up being really, really good. 

Thanks for reading, and happy sunday!

March, 2021

 Hey, guys! 

I know. Haven't posted much. There's been.....a LOT that's happened that's kept me busy and preoccupied (sometimes not in the best ways, but more on that later). When it comes to the breakup, I'm doing better. Still have bad days, but they're usually not about that anymore which I think is a good sign. Been doing family counseling and it's been working wonders for the possibility of things being able to be stitched back together. But man, oh man. It's been a year. For everyone, I think (which is a pretty obvious statement to make but anyway). I'm rambling a bit, but I'm hoping that anyone who reads this blog is happy to read *almost* anything I churn out, even if it's just rambling. When it comes to music, it's my go-to for basically any and every situation: roadtrips, short car trips, while I'm taking a shower, while doing chores; just anytime and anywhere I usually have music with me. 

Sometimes music is also the only way I can cope or hang on during crazy situations where I feel like I'm hanging onto the thin thread hanging between breaking completely and not breaking completely, and sometimes there are cracks that show up. I've been in the process of accepting some, but also working on finding ways to heal others. My music taste is definitely everywhere; sometimes I'm in the mood for pop, or alternative rock, chill tunes, or sometimes sad stuff. I was in the Sad Stuff Phase for a bit, but I'm coming out of it slowly but surely. One song that's been resonating with me lately is "Hyperballad", a song by an artist by the name of Bjork. Well I'm listening to a cover of her song, mostly because acoustic anything has just been a thing for me since last year. What the song talks about is doing something dangerous like throwing things off a cliff when things feel "too safe" and doing something dangerous just feels good to do for some reason. 

Admittedly, the song is a *bit* morbid, but I'm just that kind of person who kinda likes that sometimes. People have hard times and are able to put it into song or through a poem, which then voices what the listener or reader is unable to say themselves. I honestly like this song because although it may be just a bit dark in terms of theme, I find that analogy of throwing stuff off a cliff to decompress and also detox pretty apropos. I've had a lot to deal with last year, and there has been stuff to deal with this year; particularly guilt connected to my childhood and how I acted, emotions towards my dad, dysfunctional family situations, that kind of thing. Sometimes people need to do something physical in order to deal with a situation, but it's also possible for people to picture finding solutions to problems or navigating difficult emotional processes in a different way  so that they can make it easier for themselves to understand. When it comes to navigating being diagnosed with different things (like depression and PTSD), I've used easy things so that I can understand them better and then figure out how to work on overcoming both, which I haven't done all the way yet, that's still a work in progress. I pictured depression as losing what made me balanced, and what I lost was put in the center of a maze, and I had to work to get that back, but sometimes depression left me split into different parts of who I was: irritability, normal, and over-the-top happiness (on days that I thought were good but actually were not).

 PTSD I pictured as having memories that were blocked, but the ones that weren't were accepted as part of me, and I've come to accept my history is mine and that there's more of me to unlock and accept. It's also breaking out of the construct of pain, fear, hurt and lies that may have been told to me or that I've told myself in order to keep going and survive the day. In terms of the song "Hyperballad", the picture of finding stuff to throw off a cliff is actually not a bad idea to adopt (at least in terms of making things easier to understand). Letting go of toxic situations, things that were done to you mentally, emotionally or even physically is hard. The idea of even letting go of it is preposterous as sometimes it's such a deep wound there are days where you wonder if you're actually going to heal or if you'll just be broken and suffering in silence for the rest of your life. 

Going on a hike is hard, especially if it's up a mountain. But if there's a destination or something to do once you get to the top, you have a goal. Which makes coming down off that mountain easier to bear, because there's always the rest of the day to look forward to, and everything that you were worried about or dealing with before is either in the back of your mind, not being given any attention, or even gone entirely. I know it's not the most elegant concept, but listening to the song on repeat kinda gives me a weird sense of hope. Throwing stuff off a cliff and watching it break on the rocks isn't the most elegant of pictures. If we're being honest, broken stuff is always something we find chaotic, painful, and ugly even. But I don't find it difficult to picture myself throwing stuff off a mountain cliff. It's physical objects, yeah. But if they represent something (guilt, self-blame/hatred, depression, anger, etc.), the idea of that stuff being breakable makes me feel stronger in a way. It means there's hope that one day the last thing will be thrown off that mountain cliff, pieces will fly, but I'll be free and ready to meet the rest of the day and all the hope and potential that's in it. The trip down from the mountain cliff means the possibility of something new, and starting the day without anything dark that used to hold you back. That's just the way I see it, anyway. The work is definitely not pretty, it does cause pain and tears at times, but if it means that being broken now means being completely fixed later, then I say that the journey is completely worth it in the end. 

I know that this was a LOT of rambling, but I decided to include the song cover in my post. I will listen to the actual song eventually but for some reason this guy's voice combined with an acoustic guitar is REALLY nice to listen to for some reason (especially in stressful situations). 

Thanks for reading, and happy tuesday! I'll make sure to post more stuff on this blog this year as much as I can!

 

November 2020: Mental Illness & The Presidential Election

 It's been a hard year for everyone, what with theaters, restaurants, and things we were used to being a part of shut down, causing us all to think, reflect, and just learn to live through every day, no matter how rough every second happened to be. It's been especially hard I think for those who may have depression/anxiety/PTSD/working through any and all kind of trauma, as we just wanted to keep what we were used to doing as a routine, but sadly life cannot always be this way. To make matters worse, anxiety and stress increases once every four years, when the presidential election hits. Granted, tensions were already high, after protests and civil unrest became more prevalent after the police-involved murders of Ahmaud Arbery, George Floyd, and Breonna Taylor, to name a few. It's been most difficult for me considering I lived in Minneapolis (where George Floyd's murder happened) for two years, so any and all friends that lived in Minneapolis where protests were the hottest stressed me out for several months as I was very worried for their safety. With the election at a close tie between candidates Joe Biden and Donald Trump, the pressure to "make your voice heard" by voting has been as intense as it always gets, flooding social media, filling the feeds of anyone who may have an instagram account, or facebook page, whether it be generated by the social media platform itself, or ads, or the implorings of famous celebrities. For someone who's trying to learn how to keep my brain in one place, it's exhausting trying to look at what I came on social media for without having all the voting ads being pushed in my face when I didn't ask for it. It's not that any of us seek approval because of who we voted for; for I know that many people are just fine with who they support when it comes to political leaders, opposing criticism be damned. But there are some of us who are just looking for equal ground when it comes to the subject of politics. Granted, it's a slippery slope as it can devolve into a heated debate rather quickly. 

As many things that we have depended on for years (movies, performing arts, etc.,) have ground to a halt, things like the pandemic and the resulting quarantine we all were under (and probably still under for some places overseas), relationships between family and loved ones has become a rather more important priority for those who have had to get used to different this year. As the political race for who the next president will be picked up speed and then started up over the past couple of months, there's been division once again between friends and colleagues, family and friends. I can't speak for everyone who's been struggling with any sort of mental illness this year, but sometimes, division is something that can cause trauma, especially if it happens right away, or it's something that's been happening for a long time (i.e., biological children being ignored by parents, or parents fighting/having many discussions, which usually ends up in divorce). After going through something like that and trying to find equal ground again, all that some of us want is a semblance of normalcy in the relationships we cultivate in the present, where we try to move on and discover for ourselves what a healthy relationship is like, whether it be with a parent, sibling, a romantic relationship, you name it. Further division for those of us who want normalcy for a few seconds isn't helping our mental situation; it only makes the labyrinth of our lives more difficult to navigate as obstacles that weren't there before start to show up, possibly caused by triggers of certain traumas from years or months ago.

I'll put it bluntly: 2020 has not been a year where awareness and sensitivity of others has not flourished. Sometimes tensions rise after months in lockdown, stuck in one place, when all the human race has been used to for millennia has always been going somewhere else and not staying in one place for long. Being stuck in one place for two and a half months makes things harder for people struggling with mental illness to process, especially if they want to make themselves understood, and if that happens, it makes it harder to ask for help. It's tragic that after people went into quarantine when covid began in march, depression rates began to rise, as isolation, when we wanted company and people around us, was given as a mandate for everyone to be under. Some of us have managed to find ways to process (journal writing, therapy/counseling, listening to music, just going outside, mindfulness walks, etc.). Sometimes we may have many ways to process at our fingertips, but sometimes it may not be exactly what we need because a certain resource may be limited or shut down because of current circumstances. 

When voting, there isn't hope for approval just because of who you pick. It's the disapproval/disagreements/heated discussions that spring because of who you voted for that's especially hard on someone who may be depressed, working through a trauma, or who has PTSD. Relationships that they could count on before get shaken up with reactionary words like "disappointed/shocked" and even "why would you vote for them?"  which is unhelpful for someone who's just trying to make their own decisions, and when coming up against judgement on the decisions that they make, it's confusing and frustrating, and it makes them wonder if they can do anything right, and makes them question if they're allowed to have their own decision that won't spark disappointment or other reactions like shock at who a person voted for. Take time to listen now, questions about "why" come later. Listening to each other so that agreements and/or relationship work can be done is so important, especially in times like these. If we're going to get through the rest of this year, listening and taking the time out to understand and be understood is imperative so that we're all closer and united, despite differences in political leanings and the like. 

Thanks for reading! 

07/31/20

Not gonna lie. This week has not been easy. A dysfunctional family is something that is unsettling to everyone, and eventually you learn to roll with the punches. But then things continued their downward spiral as one day this week I got a phone call that let me know that some things weren't going to be the same and that my heart wasn't going to feel safe and secure as it has been for several months. The past few days I have been raw, angry, saddened, and any normal day has the slightest tinge of gray to it. I'm going to admit that I haven't been my best self. When something abrupt and awful happens to you, you sometimes want to break everything and scream until you have no voice left and all you have are tears to release. When I was told by someone very special in my life that things weren't going to continue to be the same between us, I felt an earthquake beginning in my feet, which traveled upwards, spreading to my hands, my head. My heart jumped into my throat as I realized that a day once dreaded had actually come after months of security and happiness. My world came crashing down around me, then built itself back up again in some kind of grotesque rewind scenario. Living day to day when it feels like only half your heart is beating and you no longer feel it as well as you used to is hard. Everyday routines are boring somehow, but frustrating at the same time. You feel like you're owed better, but maybe, a voice whispers, you're not. Because what you had was maybe what you deserved. Sometimes I feel like I deserve things because of the fact that I exist. What's been making these past couple of days bearable is that I am beginning to seek advice, and I am beginning to voice my frustrations, my anger, and some fears and insecurities going forward into this slightly less predictable future. At one point in time, I had things planned out. I thought I was heading for that moment of happily ever after, but sometimes books that have that triumphant moment still have that chapter and a half to go where everything plunges back into chaos, and just when our favorite tv/movie protagonist has saved the day and you think things are going to be happy for more than a few minutes, something incredibly tragic happens and you have the rug ripped out from under you. But I think it's only when you begin to address the loss and you're able to grieve it properly, do you begin the process of letting go. Given that it happened to me just a couple days ago, I know that I'm not finished yet. But talking things out and revisiting the memories are helping with the transition into a new point in my life. Will a future chapter of my life include this person again? time and the heart will tell as to if I'm ready to have him back and if my heart is open to the possibility of starting over. While this has been heartbreaking and frustrating to go through, I'm starting to realize that I have been given space to decide that although it's a hard transition, it's one where I can make things happen for myself and learn how to start over in different ways. I can reinvent myself, and decide what my boundaries are. It's also a time to revisit memories, and learn which ones to keep and which ones to let go of. Although I haven't exactly lived for very long, it's an odd life and sometimes I feel like I could fit in with immortals (although all ever talked about are fictional). When they're described to us in books and movies, many of them have centuries of history written on their faces, yet they learn to continue with time as it ebbs and flows, and maybe let the years lived show on their faces and in their scars every now and then. 

I identify strongly with this speech because the Doctor is addressing the many memories he has, and some of them are beautiful and some of them are tragic, but he doesn't let the weight of them destroy him ultimately, which is really encouraging in times like this. The heart is at times an unpredictable force, but life is still the most unpredictable as it gives us things to keep, things to learn, and things to let go of. 

Thanks for reading, and happy friday!